It's Just a Ride

Culture

2012-01-24T18:19:00.000-05:00

Go get some.

Three Monkeys Say: You should've talked more with the Monkey. He's always willing to negotiate

Sister Hazel Jones

2012-01-23T12:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday, freaks.

From The Daily Mail: Woman with two vaginas rejects $1million offer to make adult film

Uterus Didelphys. A condition characterized by the presence of a second womb and cervix.

After appearing on TV last week to talk about her incredible condition, Hazel Jones is fending off advances from various interests in the adult film industry looking to make her the next big porno-star. Offers have already come from famed Vivid entertainment, promising one million dollars, plus travel and accomadations, for Ms Jones to appear in one of their films. You can understand the draw - just imagine the possibilities having a second vagina opens for the real of adult film!!

Oddly enough though, Jones has said she will never accept any offer to star in an adult film, regardless of the price tag. I find this to be more than a little curious, as the woman seemed to have no problem going on television to talk about her condition. Why come out to the world in such a public fashion, and then squelch at the big money shot (pun intended). Indeed, I find it very strange that Ms Jones would so willingly go on to a televised program to discuss her rare condition, and then answer these grandiose offers with a curt "I just want to be left alone". Yeah, cause nothing spells "I want to be left alone" like going on TV talk shows.

On a quick side note, the tiny details provided by this article are positively delightful. Like the fact that Ms Jones has no problem showing curious women her dual-snatch at cocktail parties, as she finds the condition to be a great ice-breaker. Or the fact that she turned down surgery to fix her ailment due to the possible side-effect of long term scarring - apparently two neat vaginas are sexier than one overly scarred one. And finally, Jones was completely unaware of her condition until a long-term boyfriend informed her that she was different from other girls in the genital area, prompting her to see a doctor. Honestly, how did this girl make it through sexual education without figuring out something was woefully out of place between her legs?

I'll tell you one thing for damn sure, though.

Three Monkeys Say: Her vulva is one of Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People

Boys in Baby Blue

2012-01-22T16:43:00.000-05:00

Howdy, freaks.

From The Guardian: Undercover police had children with activists

Information regarding some of the seedier realities of long-term police surveillance are now being released, specifically the tactic of police spies fostering intimate relationships with women involved in political activism.

Two police officers from England are now under fire for fathering children with women in the name of cultivating a believable persona in infiltrating political activist groups. The article from The Guardian does not go into specifics regarding what activist groups these men were involved in, but they must have been pretty nefarious. The article does however paint a pretty picture of police spies who had no involvement in the lives of the children that were created, even indirectly, at the will of the state.

Comments from various police chiefs assert that this behavior is not encouraged in their departments, but the fact remains that these children exist. It's a little bit like police departments requiring officers to meet unreasonable arrest quotas in their departments, and then throwing them under the bus when the same departments are involved in planting evidence. The department may not have encouraged these men to father children in order to secure their secretive positions, but someone obviously instilled in these officers a feeling that it would be preferable to father a bastard than to fail in their espionage mission.

The article goes on to lightly explain a history of these activities stretching back to the mid-80s, with at least 8 women coming forward with charges of immoral behavior being laid against the police. And as the article hints, as the news of this story begins to snowball and gain steam we will surely see more women come out with similar claims.

So much for the police standing as a shining beacon of morality, huh?

Three Monkeys Say:
You who've never done nothing but build to destroy
You play with the world like its your little toy

Where's that damn bottle of Chianti??

2012-01-20T18:11:00.000-05:00

From MSNBC.com: Math formula may explain why serial killers kill

OK seriously. Where are the funds coming from for these studies?

A group of scientists believe they have successfully matched the murder pattern of a famous Russian serial killer to the same formulas that help to predict earthquakes, stock market crashes, and epileptic seizures. Of course, I was utterly unaware that there was already a formula in place for predicting these "impossible to predict" events, so that's news to me too.

Now, the article gives a bunch of mathematical quasi-scientific mumbo-jumbo to explain their findings. And my gut reaction is to say it's all a load of shit. But then again, I've been wrong before. The interesting piece to me is the apparent lack of data supporting their claims. Sure, they've mapped out this one specific serial killer from Russia, but I don't see much data on Bundy, Gacy, or any of the other heavy-weight serial killers.

What is interesting is the effect this study could have on the judicial system's handling of serial killers. After all, if it can be scientifically proven that a killing spree is as natural an event as an avalanche, than how can we possibly punish someone for an offense that is so obviously out of their control?

Hell on Earth 2006
Get More: SOUTH
PARK more...

Three Monkeys Say: Gotta say, really helps to add a little levity to the whole affair.

If you don't have anything nice to say...

2012-01-19T21:34:00.000-05:00

Get Funky!!

Three Monkeys Say: Damn right!!

Goodness Gracious

2012-01-18T16:01:00.000-05:00

Great balls of...concrete??

From TheJarkartaPost.com: PT KAI to use concrete balls to scare passengers off train roofs

Well, isn't this fascinating.

In a bid to take a bite out of the never ending conflict between rail companies and the freeloaders that steal the service, PT KAI is looking to take an interestingly new approach to the problem.

The railway firm will be installing large concrete balls, called Goal Bola-bolas, or "Goal Ball", which are to be hung from a goal post like apparatus by chains to the precise height of the on-coming train. The goal here is to make it impossible for freeloaders and hobos to ride on the tops of these trains for free without being pulverized by this Indiana Jones-esque defense system.

This new method of approach is being tested after the admitted failure of using personnel to carry out raids of the train roofs. In a delightfully Orwellian comment from the spokesman for PT KAI, manager Akhmad Suyadi said the goal balls were "intended to provide safety and comfort to passengers and not to cause harm".

Now of course, all of this is happening in Indonesia, on the other side of the world. But I don't see it taking too much longer before these systems get installed on commuter rails all over the world.

Three Monkeys Say: The Hooligans are loose! The Hooligans are loose!!

CEOuch

2012-01-17T10:10:00.000-05:00

Makes me kinda glad I don't work in the service industry anymore. Then again, if the man in the following story had been me, you'd best believe I'd be cleaning up after this one. Party time - litigation style.

From RT.com: Millionaire CEO breaks waiter's finger for "bad service"

John Castle is finding himself in a little hot water after a recent altercation at a swanky Florida dining establishment went violent. Castle, millionaire CEO and member of the high-class Club Colette, became enraged when his waiter broke restaurant protocol and dropped the check on his customer's table.

Apparently patrons at Club Colette all have a running tab with the house, so as to not be embarrassed by everyday troubles like arguing over the bill at a table. Castle, so enraged by the staff's lack of decorum in this regard, grabbed his server's hand and began "squeezing and twisting" his fingers. While the employee complained to management regarding his customer's behavior, the report was shrugged off and largely ignored.

That is of course until the pain persisted and the waiter, 57 year-old Paul Kucick, went to the hospital and discovered that Castle had broken one of his fingers. Ca-Ching!! Jackpot, baby!

Now, traditionally I don't support the overly-litigious knee jerk reactions that have become so commonplace in this country. But in this case, fuck this asshole. Nail him to the wall, and hit him where it hurts.

Maybe someone should have shown Mr. Kucick this training video.

Three Monkeys Say: What a crock of shit!

Holy Cracker Barrel! I'm Missing the Marathon!!!

2012-01-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

Morning Kids.

Oh, how I've been waiting for this day. Martin Luther King Day. I have a dream, and it's here at last.

You see, as most of you probably don't know, I have a little personal tradition of sharing a specific internet video every year on Martin Luther King Day. And seeing as I started this here blog in February of last year, I have not yet had the opportunity to share the clip with you, my loyal and rabid readership. So, without further ado, allow me to latitude the completion, Hoover-bitches!

Three Monkeys Say: Martin Luther Kang Junior was a boss pimp. Thus, every year on his birthday, they play marathons of Sanford & Son on TV!

Sunday Morning Coming Down

2012-01-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

Afternoon, kids.

It's Sunday. Kick it. Relaxation mode - full swing.

Three Monkeys Say: God DAMN that boy can wail!!

Humanity Astounds Me

2012-01-15T00:00:00.001-05:00

Evening folks. Fear not. I haven't forgotten about you. And trust me, dear friends, today's post will be worth the wait.

From BuzzFeed.com: Items That Got Stuck Inside People Last Year

Now, I know how much we all love those little year end "Best of 20__" lists. But this one here tops the charts. Next time you go on a bender and wake up thinking you'll never drink again, just take comfort in knowing that no matter how wrecked you got, you didn't pull a stunt like one of these. Unless of course you are one of the people discussed in this collage, in which case I salute you. Way to push the envelope.

What this list from BuzzFeed describes is a broken down and organized compilation of the most popular foreign objects that had become lodged in various body cavities and thus had to be removed by medical professionals in 2011, separated by the orifice they became stuck in. Among the list of top offenders you'll find things like a strawberry getting stuck in someone's ear, dry ice getting caught in the throat, and even a glass vial of cocaine which became lodged in some unlucky woman's vaginal canal. Sweet Jesus. The list even has an entire list of items, from pen caps to paper clips, that had to be dislodged from the male urethra. That's right, kids! Penile penetration! So the next time you go on thinking you're some wild mother fucker, take a good second to really think about how far you're willing to go for your kicks.

Of course, as most of you degenerates probably expected, the list of objects that became stuck in people's rectums is by far the longest represented. Ranging from a golf ball to a, and I'm following BuzzFeed's description here, "Baby Bottle Used in Kinky Sex", the list goes from silly to staggering. Though on a personal note, I found the separate listings for various dildos to be a tad redundant. There's really no need to specify whether the toy vibrated or not, or whether it was made of glass, plastic, or rubber. Pretty sure we all just need to become very aware of the dangers of playing too rough.

Now, for those of you curious about how such a thing might happen, I imagine it might go a little something like this.

Three Monkeys Say: Thank you, Mr. Smith, for that delightful illustration.

Friday the 13th

2012-01-13T17:23:00.001-05:00

Happy Friday Freaks and Freakettes.

And what a special Friday it is! The 13th of the month! That ever so delightfully superstitious day where people avoid black cats, refuse to walk under ladders, and generally go about their day's business with a horse shoe placed firmly in their rectal cavity.

Now, I bet you were all expecting me to come out with some great post explaining the history of Friday the 13th and why western culture seems to be so obsessed with it. Well, Fuck You! Do the research yourself. I'm not here to deliver everything on a silver platter, damnit.

But I will deliver some crunchy grooves for ya. After all, I don't want you feeling like I've completely wasted your time. Enjoy.

Three Monkeys Say: Expectation is taking its toll.

The Cycle Begins Anew

2012-01-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

Spiral out.
Keep going.

From TreeHugger.com: Monkeys Devise a Tool to Break Out of Zoo in Brazil

Early Tuesday morning a group of eight capuchin monkeys made a daring escape from a Brazilian Zoo, in which the leader of their little coterie used a small stone tool to break the lock on the monkey pen and make a mad dash for freedom. At the time of the writing of the linked article, half of the group had been recovered, including the eldest capuchin Ceará, who zookeepers believe to be the mastermind of the operation.

According to Zoo coordinator Gladis Dalamina, this isn't the first time the monkeys have tried to make a bid for freedom, though this is the first time they have illustrated such complex problem solving skills. Monkeys using tools in the wild, like cracking hard nuts with stones, is not a totally uncommon occurance. But what Ceará and his friends did, using a stone to break and remove the wholly unnatural human device of a lock on a cage, is unprecedented.

Admittedly, the TreeHugger article gets a little sentimental for my taste, understandably so considering the source of the article. But none-the-less, this is an absolutely wild fucking story. Planet of the Apes style.

Get Ready.

It Has Begun.

Three Monkeys Say: Not on my watch, mother fucker!!

It'll Tickle Your Innards!!

2012-01-11T13:55:00.000-05:00

Ahh, finally. Someone taking a shot at one of those lazy lay-abouts that just wants to make up lawsuits. And by "Someone" I mean Pepsi-Co. Is using "someone" appropriate in this instance, seeing as the Pepsi-Co. is a person?

From TheSmokingGun.com: Mountain Dew Will Dissolve Rats On Contact

An Illinois man is suing Pepsi-Co. for damages associated with supposedly finding a dead mouse in his can of the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew. And Pepsi-Co is fighting back. With science.

Apparently the lawyers representing Pepsi have just submitted an affidavit to the court from a veterinarian who makes some interesting claims. According to Lawrence McGill, due to the acidic nature of the beverage, after a period of 4 to 7 days the mouse (or any other small rodent, for that matter) would essentially liquify, with the soda removing all the calcium from the critters "bones and boney structures". After thirty days of submersion, the mouse would be rendered to nothing more than a gooey, jellied substance. As McGill put it, the only part of the mouse that could possibly be recognizable would be a portion of its tail.

Seeing as the plaintiff in this case opened his can of Mountain Dew 74 days after bottling, then according to Pepsi-Co's expert witness there is no way he could have pulled a mouse out of the can. More likely, the rodent would look like something out of the closing scene of Altered States.

You gotta wonder how much time the Pepsi legal department spent on weighing the numbers of the cost of a settlement, versus openly asserting that their soda can dissolve flesh and bone. Apparently they will lose less money letting this information out into the public than they would just paying the Illinois guy off for his silence. Which I find to be utterly mortifying.

Three Monkeys Say: Mt. Dew will tickle your innards, 'cause there's a bang in every bottle!!

Patriot Games

2012-01-10T15:00:00.000-05:00

Howdy, freaks!

Here's one for you button-mashing animals that like to get their pixelated kicks by battling terrorists from the comfort of their couch. Defending your country from all threats, foreign and domestic.

From NaturalNews.com: New Clancy 'Rainbow Six' vid game labels OWS protesters as the new domestic terror threat

Sounds like a winner to me.

As the story goes, the popular Rainbow 6 video game series, based off Tom Clancy's best-selling novels, will place the focus of its next installment on battling a domestic terrorist group calling themselves True Patriots, who appear to be a much more militant minded group with the same basic ideals of the OccupyWallStreet protests. While the real protests are languishing in their drawn death rattle, the machine they sought to bring down is scraping up the greenbacks off their corpse in any way they can. Video game producers UBISOFT will not be releasing this game until some time in 2013, so likely by that point most of America will have completely forgotten the events of the fall of 2011 that lead to the inspiration for this concept.

I have to say, the trailer they released for this game looks pretty bad-ass. It might just be the fact that I can't help but find myself a little aroused when I see a banker take the butt of an automatic weapon to the jaw, but I really want to play this game. Check it out.

See, my only thing here is I don't much care for the article's comparison of the fictional True Patriots to the OWS people. Sure, some of their apparent stated goals are similar. But they're also resoundingly close to the manifestos released by some of the Montana Militia out in the mid-west that are stockpiling arms and waiting anxiously for the day they can stand up and take their country back by force. Why drop the easy comparison to the highly publicized OWS protests when it doesn't take much digging to compare the extremists in the game to some frighteningly real organizations with much more similar violent backgrounds? Seems to me to be hitting a bit below the belt to try and demonize a peaceful organization when there are so many wing-nuts sitting in basement bomb shelters counting ammunition as I type this.

Three Monkeys Say: Wonder if you have the option to play as the terrorists??

Up in Smoke

2012-01-09T14:05:00.000-05:00

It's early in the morning
'bout a quarter to three
I'm sitting here talking to my baby
Over cigarettes and coffee

Ah, Otis Redding. Really speaks to the soul. Unless, that is, you want to hold a job with the new order of organizations now refusing to employ smokers.

From USAToday.com: Workplaces ban not only smoking, but smokers themselves

As smokers are corralled out of parks, bars, stadiums, theaters, and virtually any public place imaginable into back alleys (provided they are at least 10 feet from the entrance of any establishment), the groaning lament of tobacco enthusiasts is eclipsed only by the clamoring of still more regulations to be put in place.

And that is exactly what is happening with the new practices that are starting to be used in the health care sector in regards to hiring their employees. Deciding that forbidding smoking while on the clock is no longer enough, several hospitals have declared that any employee who tests positive for nicotine in a urine test will not be eligible for employment. While popular among hospitals, these regulations are also finding homes in other fields. The new Hollywood Casino in Toledo, OH will be enforcing a no-smoker hiring policy when it opens this year, and the Alaskan Air Lines corporation has had such a policy in place for a decade and a half.

As the line goes, the new-found popularity of these bans of smoking employees is not an attack on workers liberty, but an attempt to curb the negative effects of long-term smoking. The article quotes the CDC as saying that "each year, smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke causes 443,000 premature deaths and costs the nation $193 billion in health bills and lost productivity".

Right. I have no idea how one calculates "lost productivity", but I am certain it's a rigorous and scientific process.

In defense of the regulations, Marcy Marshall of the Geisinger Health System in Danville, Pa has said "We're trying to promote a complete culture of wellness. We're not denying smokers their right to tobacco products. We're just choosing not to hire them." Fair enough. I suppose that is your prerogative as an employer. However, like nearly every other recommendation that receives attention in the political arena, the ban on employing smokers is a slippery slope to friendly fascism.

After all, if the concerns here are for lowering the cost of health insurance for employers, then how long before the morbidly obese are refused employment based on the same grounds? Or maybe the overly-caffeinated? Someone in the comments section of the article makes the point that she already works for an employer who refuses to hire women who have children, as he refuses to cover the additional time off many parents require to care for their children. Sounds a little cold-hearted, doesn't it?

Why jump straight to the option of barring employment to smokers, though? Why not instead add an extra deduction from their paycheck to cover the costs of smoking, if that is indeed what your adult employee chooses to do? It's the same opinion I have with state-sanctioned bans on smoking in privately owned establishments. Why not give a bar owner the option to choose if they would like to allow smoking or not in their place of business? Seems to me like a few too many choices are being made for us in this land of the free.

Three Monkeys Say: It should be illegal to listen to this song without a lit cigarette!!

I've Finally Found A Candidate I Can Believe In

2012-01-08T13:19:00.000-05:00

I'm back. Happy 2012. Let's do this.

As we gear up for the madness that is the Presidential electoral cycle, I can happily say that a man has thrown his hat into the ring that we as Americans can gleefully stand behind and support. And his name is Vermin Supreme.

Check out this video of Mr. Supreme at the Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum. You can't miss him. He's the dude with the wizard beard and the giant rubber boot on his head.

It's just so beautiful. God bless this man. And seriously, how awesome would it be to have an executive leader on the books named President Supreme? Seems to me the only logical step to ensure we survive the coming years.

Three Monkeys Say: Forget the Phony, Vote for the Pony!!

The Holiday Spirit

2011-12-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

Wow...I really wish I had saved The Kinks - Father Christmas video to use today. Would have fit more snugly than a fresh pair of Isotoners.

From The Atlanic Wire: Americans Shoplifted $1.8 Billion Worth of Stuff This Christmas

According to data released by the Global Retail Theft Barometer (who names these organizations??), American's stole almost 2 billion dollars worth of merchandise from stores and malls around the country this holiday season. That number is up about 6% from this time last year.

Now, the article doesn't seem to make much of an effort to extrapolate more information from the data supplied. Essentially they just slap you with "Exhibit A: We're stealing a ton of shit", "Exhibit B: We're stealing a ton more shit than last year", and "Exhibit C: It's probably because everyone is broke and the economy has gone to shit."

Ahh, with compelling journalism like this, there's no wonder I can't find a job in the field without a degree. Honestly, this has to be one of the most interesting stories of the year, touting a 10-figure theft level across the country to help facilitate the illusion of every American having a Merry Christmas, and we get 8 pithy lines strung together in a single lack-luster paragraph? Seriously, where's the beef? Where's the meat of this story? What stores received the highest rates of theft from their aisles? What toys were taken the most? Where's the information??

Oh well, the story is written and there's really no use crying about how insufficient it is. Unless, of course, some employee of the Atlantic Wire happens to see this post. In which case, I desperately need work - please fire this touch hole and contact me.

Three Monkeys Say: I know what I'm talking about, because I went to Junior College for a semester, and I studied Psychology, so I'm right in there!! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON!!

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid!!

2011-12-25T13:05:00.000-05:00

Here's hoping you all got that shiny new Red Rider BB Gun for Christmas this year. You deserve it.

Three Monkeys Say: Presents like this are how furries are born!!

Don't Mess Around

2011-12-24T13:54:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas Eve. You know, that holiday that isn't really a holiday.

So a Very Merry Un-Birthday to you, Jesus!

I know a good amount of us are pretty broke this holiday season. But I'd be willing to bet there's still someone out there a little worse off than you. I'm not saying go out and buy 'em something. That goes against the idea of the season, if you ask me. But take a moment out of your busy schedule and just stop and think a little bit. Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men, and all that razzamatazz.

Three Monkeys Say: Give all the toys to the little rich boys!!

Is It The Shoes!?!

2011-12-23T12:00:00.000-05:00

Monster Jam!!

Boom-shakalaka!!!

...ahem. Sorry about that. Any time I hear a quote from an NBA Jam announcer, I feel compelled to go for the set.

Anyway! From RawStory.com: Police pepper spray, shut down malls over Air Jordan shoes

Ahh. I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

Apparently still razzed on the high that can only come from bludgeoning the proletariat mercilessly with truncheons, bored riot police have massed together as the Occupy Wall Street movement kicks in its death throes and have moved against the malls. After all, once you've run out of the skulls of poor people to cave-in, you're going to have to start using your clubs and chemical agents on people who actually have money.

The cause for all the madness is the undeniable "hotness" of those super-fly new Air Jordan's, a bargain buy at only $180 a pair. Shoppers have become so unruly in their fervent pursuit of obtaining the pinnacle in foot-fashion that police have been called into malls near Austin and Seattle, responding with pepper spray and extreme prejudice. According to the article, there is even an unconfirmed report out of Washington D.C. of a man who was stabbed to death over the shoes. At a mall in Georgia, 20 squad cars were dispatched when shoppers broke down the doors to a store in their angst to obtain the kicks, and arrested a woman for leaving two toddlers locked in her car while she stepped into the six-sided ring of fire to do battle in the name of Saint Nick.

Of course, while I will more or less always be of the opinion that any time the police start firing pepper-spray into a crowd it is likely an example of authority abusing power, I have little sympathy for this mob. It's a shopping mall. Keep your elbows to yourself and just calm the fuck down, for Christ's sake.

I am just thankful that there is something deeply seeded in my constitution that will prevent me from ever understanding a story like this. The very thought of paying $180 for a pair of shoes, or better yet the $400+ price tag some are reporting having paid over the internet, chills my cockles more than the harshest Nor'easter. But honestly, come on people. This is supposed to be the season about spreading cheer, good will, and peace on earth, isn't it?

Three Monkeys Say: Guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher.

Jesus Ranch

2011-12-22T14:33:00.002-05:00

Salvation in Siberia? Fascinating.

From VICE.com: The Mysteries of the Teacher

In the newest edition of the VICE Guide to Travel, Rocco Castoro receives the gift of being invited to the wilderness of Siberia for a rare interview with a man who has been calling himself the Voice of God since the fall of the Soviet Union. Sergey Anatolyevitch Torop, who renamed himself Vissarion at the age of 29 when he realized his divine connection, has been working on his multi-volume Last Testament, a sort of sequel to the New Testament, recording the missive of his hodge-podge of nearly every world religion.

Of course, the natural reaction to hear a story about someone claiming to hear or be the voice of God is to sit back and wait for the tell-tale sound of the ATF knocking down some doors. But I will have to admit, I found some of the footage from VICE's short 3-part documentary to be strangely appealing. Vissarion has placed his commune in a rather idyllic fold of the unspoiled expanse of the Russian landscape, and the narrator even remarks on how the village evokes connotations of an elven dwelling. The place looks right out of Middle-Earth, until you see the solar panels delivering clean energy. Or the satellite TVs and power tools, apparent anachronisms that are openly accepted. Vissarion and his church of nearly five thousand followers live off the earth and what it provides, and seem to simply exude pure joy.

I'll let you watch and pull your own conclusions from the piece. I just want to note that while some of the things the followers of Vissarion say during the interviews, combined with that fervent fire of zealotry so apparent in their eyes, is definitely off-putting. But at the same time, you can not deny how happy these people look. You don't have to bite the whole bit, hook line and sinker, but I would guess there's something to what this guy has to say.

Three Monkeys Say: I fell in love with a baked potato!!

All the News that Fits, We'll Print

2011-12-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

Afternoon, friends! A holiday infused "Bah, Humbug!" to you all! God Bless Us, Everyone!

OK, so I'm getting a little frayed on the whole holiday season. But I'll tell you one thing that never gets old for me - taking shots at Fox News and their cross-eyed support base! Yay!

From NYDailyNews.com: Fox News viewers less informed than those who don’t watch news at all: study

Well, hot damn! Wipe the egg off your face and try to explain THAT one, fascists!

According to the study from Fairleigh Dickinson University, Fox News viewers are apt to know less about current events in the US and abroad than people who do not watch the news at all. Fox Fans were found to be largely ignorant of the year's events in Syria and Egypt, the basic ideas surrounding Occupy Wall Street, and were even unable to identify Mitt Romney as the front runner for the Republican nomination, which is pretty alarming considering the amount of time the channel spends on Republican topics.

An analyst for the poll, Prof. Dan Cassino, has said that these results do not necessarily categorize Fox News' primarily Republican base as being less educated, but rather takes the point that there is something about Fox's programming that leads to their viewers retaining less information.

The article goes on to discuss that admittedly, Fox viewers were not the only ones to score poorly on the poll. From the figures given, it would seem their nemesis MSNBC isn't doing too much better. Apparently, the members of the study who scored the best on the poll were those who got their news from Sunday morning programs or print sources like the New York Times and USA Today.

But in true dramatic fashion, the people over at NYDailyTimes.com have saved the juiciest piece of this study for last. I honestly can not WAIT to see Bill O'Reilly try to spin his way out of this one. Apparently, one of the top news sources with regards to their audience being informed and retaining information is none other than The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! HA! Fuck you, Bill-O!

Ahh, Fox News. "The Most Powerful Name In News". The clip is from 2004, but it's still more fun than a barrel full of fundamentalist blow-hards.

Three Monkeys Say: Sorry, you'll have to excuse us while we go laugh this off

Civil Disobediance

2011-12-20T11:06:00.001-05:00

It's as American as Apple Pie! Aww Yeah!!

From The New York Times: Nearly a Third of Americans are Arrested by Age 23, Study Says

The study, the first of its kind conducted since the 1960s, surveyed a national sample of young people over time, and found that approximately 30% of them had reported being arrested for something other than a traffic violation by the time they hit the age of 23. As a quick aside, I'm right there with ya kids. America. Fuck Yeah.

As the NYT article reports, this figure is much larger than the result found in the 1965 study, which reported an arrest rate of 22% among the same age group. The more recent study was conducted by performing annual interviews on a sample group of 7,335 youths, all between the age of 12-16 when they joined the study in 1996. Researchers found that there was a sharp spike in arrests as kids neared adulthood, 18-20, and then quickly leveled off in the early 20s. The study goes on to provide commentary on different factors that could effect the adolescent's likelihood of being able to move past this mark of criminality, or conversely become entrenched in the mire of the criminal justice system.

Seems to me a little silly that a private study needed to be conducted to obtain this information. While I understand that the identity of minors is protected in regards to arrest records, that doesn't mean that a report couldn't be issued directly from law enforcement with the pertinent information represented while at the same time ensuring that personal information is redacted. And why the hell is this the first study of its kind to be performed in nearly 50 years? Considering what an on-going joke it has been in my youth to sit back and listen to one's elders bitch and moan about how the youth of today have been becoming progressively more delinquent, I would imagine there would be some fundamentalist with some extra pocket money who would be interested in obtaining these figures on a more regular basis.

Unfortunately, the NYT article does not go into any sort of detail regarding what sort of infractions these youths had committed that resulted in their arrest, beyond noting that each crime was above the level of a traffic violation (which, short of a DUI, I'm pretty sure they don't arrest you for anyway). No mention of what percentage of these youths were apprehended on charges of violent behavior, theft, or common drug possession. I'd be willing to place a sizable bet however that the overwhelming majority of these reported arrests were for non-violent drug offenders. I sure know that was the case in my town - and whether you'd like to admit it or not, I bet it's the same for your small home town, too.

Three Monkeys Say: Let's get those numbers up, kids! We believe in you!!

Ding Dong the Asian's Dead!!

2011-12-19T15:33:00.000-05:00

The rivers and streams of North Korea are turning salted with the saline of the tears of her citizens, as the nation comes together in grief over the loss of their Dear Leader.

That's right, kids! Kim-Jong Il is dead! I'd post a link for you in my normal fashion, but there's really no need to as it is the top headline on virtually every news server today.

The path of succession has been cleared for Dear Leader's third son, Kim-Jong Um, who by all reports is even nastier a person than his father's famed legacy could account for. After all, that's just how they do it in North Korea. Slamming down holes-in-one on the golf course with a fine cigar and a glass of cognac, while they feed their starved populace to the exotic menagerie on the palatial estate of the regime.

And just in case you didn't believe me about the bit concerning North Korea's rivers now running with salt water, do yourself a favor and check this video. It's absolutely incredible how effective a totalitarian regime can be in controlling their people. Albeit a touch over-exaggerated, these people look pretty damn crushed. Though admittedly, that might just be due to the machine-gun squads hanging out just outside the camera shot.

Three Monkeys Say: Alas, Dear Leader - we hardly knew thee.

Define: "Tragic"

2011-12-16T09:18:00.002-05:00

Fidel Castro was the head of the Cuban government as Prime Minister from 1959 until 1976, and again as President from 1976 until around 2008. This rings in for a total of 50 years ruling with an iron fist.

William Melville Hicks was born in 1961, passed away in 1994, and if he was still with us, would be turning 50 years old today.

Ever notice how those good guys always leave us way too soon, while the demons are allowed to run amok??

Jesus - Dead
Kennedy - Dead
Martin Luther King - Dead
Gandhi - Dead

Reagan - Wounded

We miss you, Bill. Happy Birthday

Three Monkeys Say: Bye, Bill! Enjoy it!
Bill Hicks Says: I will, y'all have fun while I'm gone!!
Three Monkeys Say: We will, Bill, Goodbye!!

Shoulda sent her to Azkaban

2011-12-12T16:52:00.000-05:00

The Black Arts are alive and well, boys and girls. Get out your torches and pitchforks, because witch-hunting is back in style.

From The Seattle Times: Saudi Arabia executes woman convicted of 'sorcery'

Yee haw, and all that. Let the circus begin.

While the Saudi Interior Ministry is with holding any more information than the fact that they have indeed executed a woman today, the London-based al-Hayat is reporting a few more details. Apparently, a female in her 60s was arrested in April of 2009, and held until her execution. She was charged and convicted on committing acts of sorcery and witch craft. As the story goes, this elderly woman had convinced locals that she possessed healing powers, and was charging $800 a pop for miracle cures.

What's funny here to me is that they went for the witch-craft charge. Surely the Saudi's have some law on the books outlawing fraud that they could have picked this woman up on just as easily. Unless of course, she actually was performing miracle cures and possessed powers of sorcery. In which case, what a damn shame they felt the need to execute her. This world is in serious need of a little pick-me-up, and I think that the open revelation that magic existed in real life would be just the thing.

Either way, I'm going to keep practicing my wand-handling skills. A boy can dream.

The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers
Get More: SOUTH
PARK more...

Three Monkeys Say: HAH! Fags!!

Did you hear that? Herbie wants to be a Dentist!!

2011-12-11T12:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you guys, but nothing says Christmas to me like clay-mation punk rock.

Three Monkeys Say: They can't fire me, I QUIT!

"I've got a badge - it's made of metal!!"

2011-12-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

In this world of madness and violence, we as a society must make great strides to keep the violent crazies off the streets. That being said - I'm talking about the people with the badges, not the ones wearing the handcuffs.

From WBTV.com: Charlotte cop charged with assaulting drunk driver after accident

38 year-old Rick McVicker was driving drunk down NC Highway 51 on Wednesday when he failed to stop for a red light and crashed into the rear end of the car in front of him. Luckily for all those involved, no injuries were reported from the crash. In fact, if you view the related news video clip for the story, you can find a snapshot of the Pontiac that Bonita Jones, the woman who was struck, was driving with her 8 year-old grandson in the vehicle. The report doesn't provide the best possible angle to determine the violence of the impact, but it seems like the rear bumper of the Pontiac was barely touched. Looks to me like McVicker slammed on his brakes just a half second too late and slid up with a little love tap to the vehicle in front of him.

McVicker, who openly admits to being drunk during the accident, got out of his car and walked up to the driver-side window of the vehicle he had struck. And this is where the story gets crazy. McVicker claims he was tapping on the window of the vehicle to try to make sure that everyone inside was OK. Bonita Jones refused to roll down her window, instead choosing to call her son, David Jones, a member of the nearby Charlotte, NC police force. David Jones, who was off-duty at the time, arrived on the scene before the local Matthews PD. Jones came up behind McVicker, and without saying a word, grabbed the man and threw him violently to the ground, and proceeded to beat the living hell out of him.

McVicker spent a few nights locked up in the pokey for his DWI. When he was released yesterday, his face was still a mottled mess of black and blue. Ofc. Jones, on the other hand, is on administrative leave still receiving pay pending the results of an investigation. Due to department regulations, Jones is currently unable to comment on the incident, but McVicker was able to be reached after he was released from his cage. Showing what I believe to be genuine remorse for his actions, McVicker readily admitted that he was drunk at the time, and that he considers himself to be an alcoholic who will be seeking help for his problem "immediately".

It's often difficult to comment on a story like this, with so many varied interests possibly tweaking the strings of the presentation. But as the cliche says, a picture is worth a thousand words. And from where I'm sitting, it looks like there is a deeper dent in McVicker's cheek than the rear-bumper of mama-Jones' Pontiac. I'm not defending drunk drivers here. I agree with McVicker's assessment that what he did was deplorable, and that he should be appropriately punished and seek therapy. But the operative term there is "appropriately". There is nothing "appropriate" about getting your face slammed into the pavement by an off-duty cop. If mama-Jones' son had not been a cop, we would be reading a very, very different story right now, regardless of if there were any injuries sustained in the accident. For years now judges across this great nation have been making examples out of DUI cases to scare people away from the behavior. I say it's past time we made an example out of this law-enforcement officer and hang the pig out to dry. The cops need to learn that their job is to "Protect and Serve" the entire community, not just the people they're related to or the people who sign their checks.

Of course, by the time the results of the investigation of the event are finalized and released, just about everyone but McVicker and the police department will have forgotten about the whole fiasco, and life will simply move on. Goose-stepping to the rhythm of the police-state war drums. Get in line, or we'll cave your fucking face in.

Three Monkeys Say: The flames are all long gone, the pain lingers on

STOP RUTTING!!

2011-12-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

You know, people call me shallow and mean-spirited from time to time. And I'm probably going to get that again from this piece. To those people, a quick pre-emptive "Fuck You" before we get moving. This has nothing to do with being insensitive, the people in this story need to be stopped. Post-haste.

From CNN.com: Michelle Duggar miscarries

According to this news flash from the desks of CNN, Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob (I'm sorry, there are actually people named Jim Bob out there??) recently suffered the tragedy of a miscarriage. The title of the article was enough to pull me in. Who is Michelle Duggar? And why should I care that she miscarried?

Well, Michelle and her husband, along with their gigantic family, are the stars of the new TLC program "19 Kids and Counting", which I am guessing is simulcast across the nation in church basements and abortion clinics, though likely pulling for different results. The Duggar family was on their way to the doctor to determine the gender of their newest bundle of joy, which would have been the couple's 20th child.

20. Assuming a full-term 9-month pregnancy, that would mean that Michell Duggar, 45, has spent 176 months of her life pregnant (19 kids * 9 months + 5 months for the miscarriage). That's a full 14 years and 8 months. Nearly a third of her entire life, or a full 50% of her child bearing years. Sweet Jesus.

While the family is understandably heartbroken by the ordeal, they have rallied to their faith to pull them through. Michelle was quoted as saying "The Lord is the giver of life and he can choose when that life is ready to go on and be with Him."

And here's where I start pissing people off. What right-minded, responsible person would ever even entertain the thought of having 20 kids? To explain their reasoning, the Duggars have said that they left the decision on the number of children they would have in the hands of the Lord. Well guess what, kids - this might just be Jesus' way of saying cut the shit.

See, this is a great example of The Bible being outdated and irrelevant. I understand that in the opening verses of Genesis the Lord decrees that man should "Be fruitful and multiply". There was a reason for that though. Back in olden times, the odds of actually surviving to have a child of your own to perpetuate the species was much lower than it is today. A family would have to have 8-10 kids in the hopes that at least a handful of them would make it to breed themselves. It was necessary for the survivability of our race. It made sense.

But now, thanks to giant leaps in medical technology, and the fact that we have fully-automatic weapons to defend ourselves from wild beasts rather than pointy sticks and poorly-tempered metals, our survival rate has gone through the roof. The average life-span has gone from like 30 to 80 (I'm pulling these numbers out of my ass, too lazy to research them, but they sound about right). We have reached a point in our evolution where this style of frantic rutting, basically throwing loads against the wall hoping something sticks, has become more of a handicap than a safety net. Over-crowding of the population is only going to become a bigger burden for society, and people like the Duggars who are blissfully popping out soldiers of the Lord with the vacant stare of the blessed are going to push us to a point of unsustainablity, if we haven't reached it already.

So, long story short, fuck these people. Or better yet, for the love of God, STOP FUCKING. I feel to sympathy for your miscarriage, Michelle Duggar. You officially have enough children to ensure you will never have to mow your own lawn again. It's time to put a stop to the madness.

Three Monkeys Say: They say Pot might lower sperm count. Good!!

"I Really Love to Watch Them Roll"

2011-12-08T18:43:00.001-05:00

And People call ME crazy.

Going to hold back on the comments today, and just share a few choice articles that can be found on the front page of CNN.com.

Hundreds arrested in child-trafficking ring bust

2 dead at Virginia Tech; school says 'active threat' is over

U.S. officials, analysts differ on whether drone in Iran TV video is real

Sandusky free again after posting bail

And in the interest of keeping this all light-hearted and fun, let's end with...

Should Nuns Be On The Pill?

Three Monkeys Say: Surely you're not happy now, you no longer play the game?

Rest in Peace, John.
10/09/1940 - 12/08/1980

'Mythbusters' Making Their Own Urban Legends

2011-12-07T15:21:00.000-05:00

Frankly, I have to say I'm kind of surprised it's taken so long for these boys to fuck up so fantastically.

From CNET.com: 'Mythbusters' cannonball busts through house

Boys will be boys. And boys with a background in pyrotechnics will fuck some serious shit up.

As the story goes, the production team for the popular television show "Mythbusters" suffered an unfortunate mishap when an experiment that involved launched various items out of a cannon backfired. Well, I guess backfired isn't the proper term here - overshot maybe?

The team was firing an actual cannonball out of the cannon, presumably in the name of taking notes on a control for their experiment. The control flew wildly out of control however when the cannonball tore through a cinder-block wall, bounced its merry way down a hillside, barreled 700 yards through a suburban California neighborhood, smashed through the front door of a house, bounced up the stairs of the house and, without knocking, penetrated a bedroom door where a man, woman, and child were sleeping.

The shot also flew through the wall of the bedroom it had so rudely invaded, and finally came to rest in the van parked in the driveway of a local suburban home.

While the 'Mythbusters' team has not commented on the event, something tells me there was a little brown jug involved. Triple X Death Moonshine. White Lightning. 'Cause we all know how difficult it is to aim artillery when you can't walk a straight line.

Three Monkeys Say: Just Follow the Bouncing Ball!

Australians. They Make You Uncomfortable.

2011-12-06T13:51:00.000-05:00

Welcome back, my friends. To the show that never ends.

We just take long, unexplained leaves of absence. AWOL. Punk Rock.

So, in the vein of breaking back into this beast slowly, today I'm just going to share a quick quirky video with a little sub-text. A stretching exercise for the keyboard, if you will.

So, friends, if you would kindly turn your attention to the film below, showcasing the rare and elusive Melbourne Tent Monster, we can begin.

What you are seeing here is footage of the Occupy Melbourne protest, finding a creative way to make the local PD chase their own tails in a fury of consternation. You see, it is against city regulations for the protestors to set up tents and camp sites in public squares, making an occupation in the traditional sense quite difficult. Their response? To set up tents in the park with appropriate holes for arms, legs, and head appendages, and wait. As the unnecessarily large coterie of police begin to goose-step up to the tents ready to crack skulls and tent poles in the name of freedom, the monsters suddenly spring to life and begin to caper around the grounds.

In my opinion, the best part of the video is during 0:26-0:30, as you watch the original reaction of the yellow-vested peace officers. The footage captures a tradition almost as uncommon as the Tent Monster itself - the police version of the popular stadium antic of The Wave. Watch close as a wave of gnarled claws begin to stroke mustaches and beards that aren't there as the police try to figure out what the hell they're looking at before they all cross their arms and scowl with the precision of an Olympic synchronized swimming squad.

Three Monkeys Say: I'll tell ya one thing, Bob. I may not know what the SOP is for engaging a Tent Monster, but I know it's against the law!

Times like this it occurs to me, we were lied to by The Jetsons

2011-11-21T14:25:00.000-05:00

You know, that's the damn problem with this country. People used to throw their hats over walls. People used to have sack.

From CNN.com: Will pay-per-mile be a buzzkill for American road trips?

Ahh, what speaks of freedom more than the time honored tradition of the American Road Trip? Pointing that streamlined hunk of metal towards the unknown horizon and gunning the pedal to the floor. But with gas prices and other various costs associated with maintaining a vehicle on the road, the past time is dying out. And now, in the American 21st Century, for the first time it appears that horizon no longer carries the mystery of the unknown, but rather the final nail in the coffin of the American rite of passage.

You see, the government is worried. The combination of fuel efficient vehicles and increased gas prices keeping people away from the pumps is resulting in a stagnation of flow of tax dollars to maintain the highway system. There is a federal tax on every gallon of gas you purchase, which is then used to maintain the massive spider-web of concrete that keeps our country moving. But with this revenue stream drying up, politicians are looking for new cash cows.

And the answer they've come up with is a pay-per-mile tax system in which motor vehicles will be electronically monitored, and then charged a yearly tax for the number of miles they have driven. OK, that sounds kind of reasonable. Combat rising fuel efficiency by directly taxing drivers based on mileage driven. Simple enough. Until you consider the fact that there are over 250 million vehicles that would have to be monitored around the clock. The enormous task of collecting, processing, and billing citizens based on this data would just put another drain on the system. Many experts are saying that the cost of implementing this new tax system would in itself require a new tax to pay for. Or keeping the current fuel tax to pay for the cost of switching to the new pay-per-mile tax.

Beyond the monetary considerations of such a switch comes the privacy concerns. Honestly, who is comfortable with the thought of taxmen monitoring GPS data of every mile your vehicle drives? What happened to the right to privacy? While many motorists in recent surveys are expressing that they would be more willing to acquiesce to these regulatory changes provided the system did not record specific locations along with its mileage, I simply don't care for the idea of having a little black box in my car ticking data to the G-Men.

All in all, this seems to simply be an effort to place an adhesive strip (that's a Band-Aid for you brand-name shoppers) over a gun-shot wound. The CNN article mentions that by 2020, the cost of maintaining the roads, highways and bridges in this country could be up to 1.7 trillion dollars per year. I would therefore imagine that the proper response to this quandary would not be to generate more funds for a growing beast of a problem, but rather to look outside the box for a new solution.

And for that solution, I submit that we look to the answers provided by children's cartoons. The lovable Jetsons had us all believing that by this time we would all be able to rise above this situation, literally, with the advent of the flying car. After all, who needs highways and bridges when you can have a flying car!

So get to it, inventors of America! Throw your hats over the wall! Your country needs you!!

Three Monkeys Say: Yo yo, get this! We're goin' to the moon!!

It's Friday

2011-11-18T16:30:00.002-05:00

Rage accordingly.

Love ya, freaks.

American Censorship Day

2011-11-16T12:25:00.000-05:00

Remember when "American Censorship" used to be an Oxymoron??

Please take a moment (or 4.3 moments, if you want to be specific) and watch this video that was put together to explain the possible effects of the Protect IP Act should it be passed by the Senate and House.

PROTECT IP Act Breaks The Internet from Fight for the Future on Vimeo.

Now, if you're anything like a good section of the American public, then a lot of that probably sounded like magical interwebz mumbo-jumbo. But let's take a look at some of the quotes provided on the AmericanCensorship.org website, which has been devoted to spreading the good word.

From Fred Wilson Union Square Ventures

These bills were written by the content industry without any input from the technology industry. And they are trying to fast track them through congress and into law without any negotiation with the technology industry.

From James Allworth Harvard Business School

It contains provisions that will chill innovation. It contains provisions that will tinker with the fundamental fabric of the internet. It gives private corporations the power to censor. And best of all, it bypasses due legal process to do much of it.

I'll let you peruse the rest of the quotes at your own leisure, rather than taking more of your time here. Essentially what this argument boils down to in my opinion is the point mentioned in the Protect IP Act Breaks The Internet video: How much do you trust your government to not abuse these newly established powers? Or, in the event you do actually trust your government, then how much do you trust the government of other nations to follow suit in a satisfactory manner?

If nothing else, even if you largely agree with the restrictions put forward by this new Act, anything that stymies the free flow of information through social media should put your back up. The last 12 months have shown beyond any doubt the vital role this tools of hyper-space will provide in the future as a means of the common man to speak out against tyranny in all of its forms. And quite frankly, I'm willing to sacrifice the next big summer blockbuster for that tool to stay right where it is, unadulterated by the meddling fingers of big business interests.

Besides, I really enjoy bringing you little YouTube gems, like this one here. And it would make me very sad if I was no longer able to provide this service for the wild and unwashed masses. So please friends, take the time to go to AmericanCensorship.org and let your Congressman/woman let you know how much this pisses you off.

Three Monkeys Say:
Internet Freedom and Psychedelic Showtunes
These are a few of My Favorite Things

Coming to an Olympic Games near you!

2011-11-15T12:58:00.000-05:00

Following in the longstanding tradition of marksmanship challenges in the Olympic Games, the time-honored traditions of Archery and SharpShooting will be joined by - you guessed it! - ballistic ground-to-air missiles!

From CNN.com: Missiles to protect London 2012 Olympics

OK, so it's not the kind of event that you can take home gold in, but I would at least hope that the boys manning these defense measures are training as hard as the athletes they are charged with protecting.

As the world starts to gear up for the upcoming Olympic Games to be held in London in 2012, the head of the UK Defense Department is having to field a lot of questions from various interested parties. And some of the answers may be a bit shocking. British Defense Secretary Phillip Hammond has promised that "all necessary measures to ensure the security and safety of the London Olympic Games will be taken including -- if the advice of the military is that it is required -- appropriate ground-to-air defenses".

Excuse me, but could someone please explain to me how "ground-to-air defenses" and "appropriate" belong in the same sentence? See, I thought the primary objective of defense regarding the Olympic Games would be a focus on suppression of terrorist attempts at causing harm to the proceedings. Installing a surface-to-air missile defense system to protect the grounds tells me, admittedly as a amateur of military defense tactics, that one would thus be expecting an aerial based attack. And again, excuse me if I'm reaching here, but the possession of aerial based weapons systems speaks to me of an organization possessing the military prowess of a government, not a terrorist group. Unless you're planning on defending against hi-jacked passenger airliners - in which case I would think it to be a much more cost-effective solution to have the international equivalent of US Marshalls defending the planes in the sky on that day on an individual basis, rather than be prepared to launch missiles that cost tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars a piece.

But, to be honest, if the disclosure of the presence of military-grade weapons systems defending the London Olympic Games were the only news piece here, I doubt I would have found it worthy of sharing with you fine people. But no, the fun doesn't stop there. The CNN article also mentions a heavy involvement from US security interests regarding all aspects of the preparation, from personnel to planning. The US Government has said it will supply 1,000 individuals, including FBI Agents, to help maintain the peace during the event. Again, my knowledge of government defense tactics is essentially limited to what I'm spoon-fed from Hollywood, but as far as I understood our set-up here, we use the FBI for domestic concerns, and the CIA for international concerns. That's kind of why we have two separate intelligence groups in the first place. So what does the fact that our domestic secret police plan on providing surveillance for the games tell us? I have no idea, friends. But I can tell you this - whenever the government takes an action that doesn't seem to make any sense on the surface, well you can bet somewhere a man in a black suit has a good reason for it. And that reason has your best interests firmly placed at the forefront of its objectives. Trust me.

And the machine, She Grows.

Three Monkeys Say: They Ask No Quarter

CCTV: Candid Cop Television

2011-11-09T20:23:00.000-05:00

Smile for the birdie, kids!

From NPR: As More Police Wear Cameras, Policy Questions Arise

This article from NPR takes a look at the spreading trend of police departments across the nation adopting small video cameras that are attached to their uniforms, and the mixed reactions they are stirring, amongst police unions and private citizens alike.

Produced by private companies with names like Taser and Vievu, these cameras are designed to be worn on the front of an officer's uniform and are capable of recording up to 4 hours of audio and video. The hope of this initiative is to remove the "He said - She said" aspect of police encounters with the public. And with the increased number of accusations of misconduct in departments nationwide, it's a small wonder that many departments were quick to pick up the technology.

Many police officers seem to have little problem with the new addition to their fatigue. For many, the only added responsibility is they now have to begin each interaction with the public by informing the citizen they are being recorded. In fact, the only complaint that crops up according to the NPR piece is that officers are unable to turn off the cameras, even at the request of the citizen being filmed. While the inability to refuse being filmed is certainly unsettling, it is more reassuring to know that the officer can not turn off the camera at will. Of course, until you read the fine text under the picture of the charming blonde from Vievu displaying one of their cameras that informs you that the officer must remove the cameras protective covering to begin filming.

And here is where the dissenters start chiming in. Sure, it may be against department policy to turn off the camera under any circumstance, but it's also certainly against policy for an officer to attempt to hide his name and badge number while on duty. And as recent OWS footage from Oakland has shown, officers have still been known to do this. Also, it is not department policy to use mace or pepper spray against non-violent protesters. But again, thanks to the actions of one of New York' finest - Tony Baloney - we have seen that this is not a policy that is always steadfastly held, either. And since the release informing the public that Tony Baloney's punishment would be the loss of ten paid vacation days when many were screaming for him to lose his position, the public has seen how serious the police take to penalizing those who disregard department regulations.

OK, sure, the cops might flip their cameras closed during some encounters with citizens. Certainly such a problem could be remedied by a small alteration on the production side. But the public misgivings regarding these cameras is not rooted in mistrust of police choosing opportune times to turn on their cameras.

As most anyone who has ever requested footage from the dashboard camera of a police cruiser can tell you, there are two distinct responses for such queries. Either the footage is incriminating against the citizen, and will show up before you even think to ask for it. Or the footage is incriminating against the officer, in which case you would have an easier time pulling teeth from an angry alligator with a pair of tweezers. Odds are, you'd keep more fingers going toe-to-toe with the 'gator, too. Take the example provided of Eric Rachner of Seattle, who spent months before he could even get the department to acknowledge that video footage of his 2008 unlawful arrest existed.

And with the new regulations regarding the Freedom of Information Act empowering the government to knowingly deceive the public by denying the existence of requested information that is deemed to be a "threat to national security", excuse me if I have little faith that these Piggy-cam tapes will be handed over without a fight. The City of Oakland already refuses to supply video footage from traffic stops in which the camera captures an image of the driver's license of registration information unless the sensitive private information is edited out. And since the Oakland PD lacks such refined video editing equipment, any such tape is essentially classified until further notice. And as an aside, who is really comfortable with any discussion of the police having the capability of editing these tapes at their own discretion?

Three Monkeys Say: Never Trust a Pig that Walks on Two Legs.

Who Pays for these Studies??

2011-11-08T13:41:00.001-05:00

File this one under "Weird Shit I Probably Didn't Need to Know"

From MSNBC: Sex With Animals Linked To Penis Cancer

First, let me open by once again thanking the good people over at Disinfo.com for so tirelessly laboring to ensure these sort of news gems do not go unnoticed. You people truly are fighting the good fight.

The results of a study taken in a rural area of Brazil, claims to have shown that a history of bestiality can be linked to occurrences of penile cancer. The study, which surveyed 492 men who were either healthy or afflicted by penile cancer, found that 45% of men who suffered from the ailment reported also having sex with animals. Other possible causes mentioned in the study were "smoking, the presence of premalignant lesions on the penis and phimosis, a condition where the foreskin cannot be retracted over the penis."

The article goes on to briefly discuss what it sees as a long standing history of inter-species relations, and how it believes that micro-trauma from prolonged animal intercourse could open the organ up for attack from cancerous agents, providing a possible explanation for the correlated rise of cases of penile cancer in men who engage in bestiality. Fascinating read, provided you can keep your lunch down.

Of course, the article also does a bang-up job of glossing over an alarming statistic. They found that 32% of men who had no outbreak of penile cancer also reported having sex with animals. That's one-in-three for fucks-sake!

Alright, let's play with these numbers a little bit. The MSNBC report states that of 492 men surveyed, 118 of them were victims of penile cancer. Of that 118, 45% - or ~53 patients - reported having sex with animals. Which leaves 374 of the original 492 which did NOT have penile cancer. Of this 374, 32% - or ~120 patients - reported having sex with animals. Meaning there are more men, both healthy and cancer afflicted, who admit to having intercourse with animals then there are total men that have been found to have penile cancer.

I'm not exactly sure what all those numbers might mean in a medical sense. But I'll tell you one thing for damn sure - there are far too many people candidly admitting to having sexually violated the local livestock. And if a total of 35% of these rural Brasillians are admitting to having sex with animals, then I'd say it is safe to hazard a guess that the real figures are somewhere around 65%.

Three Monkeys Say: Love - the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket!!

Your Government Knows Best!!

2011-11-07T12:43:00.001-05:00

Isn't Democracy neat?

In case you haven't heard, the Obama administration is trying a very nifty experiment in open democracy called "We The People" - a government website where you can draw up your own petition of talking points you would like to see discussed by the administration and have people sign it from all over the country. The Obama administration promised to use this tool to determine which issues were really at the heart of most American concerns, and to use this information to bring about positive change for Americans.

Sounds almost Utopian - a service in which you can raise any topic of concern to your representative political body with the promise that it will receive a detailed look if there is enough national interest. The basic rules of the service were that any petition that received over 25,000 signatures within 30 days of originally being posted would receive an official tailored response by a member of the White House staff.

Indeed, when this website was first announced, it seemed like Obama and his team were making an honest attempt at testing the waters regarding American's feelings on a lot of contemporary issues. That is until some of the responses started being released.

Unsurprisingly, supporters for change regarding marijuana legislation teamed together and gathered a staggering number of signatures for their petition - topping the threshold that would demand an official response in its first day. For half a heart-beat, stoners and sobers sympathetic to the cause shared a brief unifying moment of hope, holding on tenaciously to the dream that maybe someone in power would finally lend an interested ear. That is until the site posted their official response from Gil Kerlikowske, Director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. In his response Gil basically says "Fuck You, hippies. These are the rules." Which of course is the perfect response for anyone hoping to set the stage for constructive democratic discussion. You can read Gil's response here.

Of course, the legalization efforts for marijuana are not the only petitions receiving lip service from the White House. The website also recently published a response to a petition requesting government transparency regarding decades of insinuation that the government is involved in a coverup regarding the presence of extra-terrestrial life. This time the response was tailored by Phil Larson, who works on space policy and communications at the White House Office of Science & Technology Policy. Phil's response was much the same as Gil Kerlikowske's - Fuck Off. Of course, the White House liasons were much more diplomatic in their announcements of a refusal to investigate topics which had received enough public support to elicit an official response.

These are not the only two topics to be glossed over by the Obama administration. Petitions seeking a removal of the words "Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, repealing the Defense of Marriage Act - which federally defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman, have both tactfully been swept under the rug as a problem for the next group of patsies to seclude themselves in their ivory tower of inaction. Hell, the response to one petition calling for an "Investigation into Allegations of Prosecutorial & Judicial Misconduct in the Case of Sholom Rubashkin" refers the petitioners to a piece of fine print in the terms of participation for the White House's responses, simply saying "We won't comment on this one."

So basically, the timeline goes a little something like this.
*White House launches petition site promising to offer constructive response to any topic that proves to have enough public support
*Americans collectively marvel at the combined wonder of technology and democracy as they begin to believe that politicians may actually start listening
*We the People is flooded with petitions and signatures by the thousands
*White House officials with fancy titles and job descriptions collect a paycheck for sitting down and throwing together what amounts to the same level of effort required by a third grader for an essay assignment (though more likely, these responses were typed up by an unpaid intern and merely signed by those claiming authorship)
*American public once again realizes that their voice and opinion have no strength in the halls of power.
*Life, sadly, goes on.

Three Monkeys Say: Oh Shit! Is Gladiators on??

I Think I'm an Alright Guy

2011-11-06T09:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Sunday Morning, freaks.

Hope you all enjoyed that extra hour of sleep today. Doesn't Daylight-Savings kick ass? Thanks, Ben Franklin!

Make sure you take a little bit of time for yourself out of the day. Hell - it's Sunday - take the whole damn day for yourself. You've earned it!

There Be Dragons

2011-11-05T16:16:00.000-04:00

Looking for something to amuse yourself with on this Saturday afternoon?

Try this video discussion with author Daniel Pinchbeck and Hollywood actor Russel Brand - There Be Dragons: Daniel Pinchbeck Talks with Russell Brand

Enjoy it, kids.

There has to be a Greek term for something this fucked up

2011-11-04T15:15:00.000-04:00

It's not Oedipal...

And it's not Electra-esque...

From DailyMail.com: Engaged couple discover they are brother and sister when their parents meet just before wedding

Life seemed to be going perfectly for a young South African couple. With the engaged couple's wedding date right around the corner, and her expecting a little bundle of joy, it seemed like they couldn't have been happier. Until the pair introduced their parents to one another and discovered - they're brother and sister!! Holy Fuck!!

Apparently the almost-newly-weds were separated at a young age when their father discovered their mother was cheating on him. The father took the then 2-year old son, and the mother had custody of the 8-month old daughter. The two children were raised completely unaware that they ever had a sibling. Years later when a chance meeting at college had sparks flying, the two blissfully ignorant that something was rotten in the state of Denmark. Or whatever they call states in South Africa.

While the couple has understandably decided to call off the wedding, there is no mention in the article of terminating the pregnancy. The unnamed mother-to-be is quoted as already being quite concerned on how to explain the child's complicated lineage when it comes to age.

Christ though, can you imagine the revulsion at being hit with that kind of bombshell? My stomach is doing backflips just thinking about it. In fact, I would imagine my personal reaction would look something like this:

*insert exaggerated shudder here*

Three Monkeys Say - HOLY FUCK!!!

Someone Call Dr. Feelgood!!

2011-11-02T13:16:00.000-04:00

God Damn God Damn God Damn

God Damn that Pharma-Pushin' Man

From Yahoo! News: Painkiller overdose 'epidemic' strikes US

While the Feds are dispatching gangs of Men in Black armed with Patriot Act garnered warrants and supported by crooked tax-men to try and shut down the nefarious medical marijuana trade around this country, it's business as usual over at Big Pharma. Meaning just another day of sweeping deaths under the rug and shifting blame to ensure that we keep popping these pills like Pac-Man. Chomp Chomp Chomp.

The number of deaths from overdose to prescription painkillers has been on a steady rise for years. And as this new study from the CDC shows, the number of deaths now tops overdoses from both heroin and cocaine combined. With nearly 15,000 prescription pain killer based overdoses in 2008 alone, something obviously must be done.

Of course, the real problem here is the gross over-prescribing of such medications. According to a statistic from the CDC, "Enough OPR (opioid pain relievers) were prescribed last year to medicate every American adult with a standard pain treatment dose of five milligrams of hydrocodone (Vicodin and others) taken every four hours for a month."

Alright, conspiracy theorists - get ready. I'm going deep with this one.

Say you subscribe to the theory that our country is largely controlled by a small group of religious conservatives, who use their money and political influence to control the social climate of our nation. Combine this assumption with the fact that the great majority of these overdoses are found in rural and impoverished areas of the country. Then look at the article's description of the cause of death associated with an overdose of prescription painkillers - "Death typically occurs when the patient stops breathing because the drugs can cause respiratory depression." So essentially, death occurs after a long drawn out period of gradually losing the strength required to control respiratory function, until you are physically incapable of drawing another breath. Markedly similar to the cause of death from crucifixion, which kills the victim by drawing out the body until the person no longer has the strength to move their diaphragm and draw oxygen into their system. Golly, it almost sounds like there is a shadowy interest group handing out crucifixion in a can! Creepy! OK, yeah, maybe this is an unlikely scenario. But it's interesting to speculate on. I did warn you I was going deep there.

In conclusion:
Deaths from overdose on prescription painkillers in 2008: 14,800
Deaths from overdose on marijuana in history: 0

Remind me again which side of the War on Drugs we are on?

Three Monkeys Say: This shit is Funked Up!!

Be Honest, You Expected This One

2011-11-01T18:50:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I am in no way surprised by this announcement out of Germany.

From GlobalPost.com: German authorities plant spyware on citizens’ computers

According to a release from a German based hacker collective, known as the Computer Chaos Club, the German government is involved in the spread of spyware that effectively turns your private computer into a tool of Big Brother.

Computer viruses, spy ware, trojans, and any other number of malicious software infections have been a problem plaguing the internet essentially since its inception. And as the capabilities of our machines escalates, so to do the functions of these hyperspace attacks.

The Computer Chaos Group says it has discovered a trojan horse designed by a private tech firm for the German government to be used in monitoring internet phone calls. Now, while such monitoring is allowed in Germany under certain extreme circumstances, eavesdropping was not the only function of the malware. The hackers found the trojan was also capable of taking screenshots of the infected machine, adding and removing files from the hard drive, and even control the microphone and webcam that now comes standard in virtually every computer on the market.

Of course, the fact that we are now hearing this story out of Germany tells us that most likely these invasions of privacy through our computers has probably been going on for a good long while, and that it is doubtful that the Germans are the only government guilty of the act. Of course, I have no tangible proof for this claim, but what does your gut tell you?

Just another fancy piece to file away in your back pocket.

Make sure you remember, friends - Just because you're paranoid...

Don't mean they're not after you

I Want Your Skulls!!

2011-10-31T13:58:00.001-04:00

Hack the heads off little girls and
Put 'em on my wall!

Happy Halloween, Psychonauts!!

Go get fuckin' weird with it.

Hack the heads off little girls and
Put 'em on my wall!!

Wanted: RatDog

2011-10-30T13:57:00.001-04:00

Welcome to another special Sunday edition of The Ride, where we like to kick back and take it easy. Easy like Sunday Morning.

Bobby Weir throwin' down a little Bobby Dylan with the boys for your listening pleasure.

Bobby, in the highly unlikely chance you read this - Furthur is fun and all, but I miss RatDog. Please bring the boys back around.

Intellect is Not Inherited

2011-10-29T10:56:00.000-04:00

One of the biggest things the protestors of Occupy Wall Street have going for them, in my opinion, is that while wealth is transferable from generation to generation, intellect is not.

And while there were certainly some whip-smart people who instituted many of the regulations that allowed for these financial groups to take advantage of the american people, there are some serious rogue geniuses out there.

Like this man. After watching this video, I'm not sure if I want to shake this man's hand, give him a hug, or just smash my head into a wall repeatedly for not thinking of this first.

Keep Wall Street Occupied. Fucking Brilliant.

The Ride salutes you, nameless internet figure! Hurrah!!

Choose Your Words Carefully

2011-10-28T10:37:00.001-04:00

I am not a doctor.

I do not have a degree in medicine.

Fuck, I've never even played a doctor on TV.

Yet nonetheless, I feel the need to give my amateur opinion on this story coming out of Pittsburgh.

From The Digital Journal: Teen dies after smoking fake marijuana

First off, how great of a pro-marijuana marketing piece is that headline? Thousands of years of human use and not a single death for the real deal. K2 is on the market for a period of a few years, and it's already being blamed in the death of a teenager.

A 13 year old boy is dead in Pennsylvania after all attempts to save the boy from two collapsed lungs, and the subsequent infection, sadly failed. As the article says, young Brandon Rice was taken to the hospital after smoking the legal marijuana substitute and complaining of "numbness in his hands and feet, [being] unable to breathe, and...vomiting blood". Medical imaging revealed extensive chemical burns on the inside of the boys lungs.

Brandon's parents searched their son's room, finding a stash of "Spice", or "K2", an increasingly popular synthetic blend designed to mimic the effects of marijuana without any of those pesky side effects, like failing a drug test. Along with his potpourri head stash, the Rice's also found a plastic candy PEZ-dispenser, which their son had modified into a smoking device. Ahh, brings me back to my formative years, when I made a pipe out of a metal kazoo. Unfortunately, you had to remove the piece of paper that made the kazoo "zoo", so you couldn't play and smoke at the same time...but that is a tale for another day.

Brandon Rice died in his sleep this morning, after being hooked to a respirator since June. But as Brandon was idly wasting away in a sterile hospital bed, the political machine has been busy. Very busy indeed, my loves.

Brandon's case was co-opted and used as an example to speed up the process of banning and criminalizing the growing number of products that are being labeled as "fake drugs". Pennsylvania became the 21st state to outlaw the possession and distribution of a litany of these products, including K2, bath salts, and salvia. Under the new law, first time offenders found guilty of possession will face punishments up to $5,000 in fines, and up to a year in prison.

OK. So there's the story as the media gives it. And I have two major problems with it.

First off is the part of the article regarding the criminalization of these "fake drugs". See if you can find the trouble areas.

The tragedy that claimed Brandon's life came months before Gov. Tom Corbett signed a bill into law that outlawed the sale of 'fake drugs' like K2, Spice, Vanilla Sky, Salvia and bath salts that produce a marijuana-like high after being ingested. Pennsylvania became the 21st state to ban the sale of synthetic drugs, which are known to cause agitation, paranoia and hallucinations, according to the National Institutes of Health.

I have a serious fucking problem with marijuana being in the same sentence as bath salts. The same is true to a lesser degree for Salvia, and I've never heard of "Vanilla Sky", but from all the horror stories I've read about bath salts, whoever crafted this sentence needs to be shackled in the stocks. Comparing a drug that has been as beneficial and utterly harmless as marijuana to a synthetic speed that has resulted in the sexual abuse of livestock is dishonest, and down right criminal. And to anyone who has actually smoked Salvia, honestly comparing it to the effects of marijuana is simply laughable. Part of me thought we were past this Reefer Madness style propaganda.

My second gripe is the choice to use a quote from the boy's father regarding his cause for death, rather than reaching out to the medical professionals who were responsible for his recovery. The article does a wonderful job of glossing over the fact that this kid was smoking out of a fucking PEZ-dispenser. Never mind the fact that we know for sure that heated plastics release the kind of vaporous chemicals known to cause the kind of damage that Brandon Rice's lungs suffered. Never mind the fact that there are no other reported cases of Spice causing this level of physical damage. Or the fact that Brandon's death was caused by his body succumbing to an infection that took root after the surgical attempt to fix his collapsed lungs, which his body was unable to fight off in its weakened state. The obvious problem here is the boy was smoking fake-weed!

Now, I am not saying these substances should be available to children. But I believe a very big piece of this puzzle is that the boy was able to legally acquire his K2, while subsequently being denied the proper tools to ingest the drug due to it being illegal to sell a proper smoking device to a minor. It seems to me the real tragedy here is that this boy somehow reached the age of 13 without anyone informing him that if he put flame to plastic and took a deep breath, he was gonna have a bad time.

Again, I am not supporting the sale of these substances to minors. And I am not a medical professional, in any way qualified to make my statement that I think the PEZ-dispenser is more to blame here than the K2 the kid was smoking. But this propaganda piece subliminally aimed to take a cheap shot against marijuana is simply piss-poor journalism. Comparing marijuana to any of the newly banned drugs in Pennsylvania is fundamentally flawed on one single point. These new bans are entirely focused on synthetics. Chemically derived substances aimed at mimicking the effect of a natural drug (except in the case of bath salts - which simply needs to be burned and removed from the human record). Is the answer here really to saddle our already inefficient system with more laws designed to entrap citizens with hefty fines and jail sentences? Wouldn't it make a lot more sense to simply remove the sanctions against the much safer drug that these chemicals are trying to imitate? Seems to me that such a move would completely undo the demand for these allegedly dangerous products. And why do I not hear more of a clamor that the people at PEZ start placing warnings on their packaging that their product is not designed to be a smoking implement?

Didn't you ever wonder why getting high is a crime in the first place??

Whales are People Too, Maaaan!!

2011-10-27T13:57:00.000-04:00

PETA is at it again. And no, I'm not talking about People Eating Tasty Animals.

In a bid for advancing their tireless cause of ending animal abuse, PETA is attempting to sue Sea World for "enslaving" killer whales, asserting that the 13th Amendment does not explicitly mention that it only protects human beings.

While I agree with the ideas behind PETA, I usually find their actions to be a little over stated for the most part. And this case is no exception. I mean, honestly, suing on the grounds that killer whales have the same unalienable rights as human beings? If that's the case, then I hope you're also seeking jail time for all the killer whales that have killed or assaulted their trainers over the years.

So, as I encountered this story, I rolled my eyes and went about my day. Certainly a noble pursuit, speaking for those that can not speak for themselves, but I didn't see this one going anywhere.

That is, until I watched the Colbert Report's coverage of the story. And let me tell you, Steven Colbert brought up something that may have changed my mind on the effectiveness of this tactic. Here's the clip.

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

As the Supreme Court has ruled, corporations ARE people. So why not levy the same respect to animals? At least they have a pulse. And big watery eyes to stare at you with while they suffer their various degrees of injustice. If faceless corporations demand a level of respect in our legal system, why are we so willing to laugh off the prospect of providing the same to a living creature?

Sure gives you something to think about on a rainy day.

Happy Birthday, Patriotism!!

2011-10-26T14:24:00.000-04:00

A toast! To the tenth anniversary of Patriotism!

After all, how could patriotism have been possible before the advent of The Patriot Act??

Excuse me. Sorry, the official name is "The USA PATRIOT Act". See, without adding the "USA" at the beginning, you don't get the full effect of the acronym. See, unbeknownst to me until this morning, the Patriot Act actually stands for: "Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act". I would really love to know how many hours whatever intern spent on forcing an acronym out of "USA PATRIOT". Fucking brilliant. Just imagine what that sort of energy and ingenuity could accomplish if properly focused!

Ten Long Years of government surveillance on American civilians, a grotesque sacrifice of civil liberty in the name of perceived security.

You know what? I'm going to step back from this one. I open the comments up here for your voice. Let me know what you feel about the Patriot Act. Is it a necessary evil? Or just another tool of the encroaching fascism that is taking over our once noble home of the free?

Speak your mind. Just don't speak it too freely, you never know who might be listening.

Baton Courtesies - Service with a Smile

2011-10-25T14:57:00.000-04:00

Good Afternoon, kids.

Alright, I'm sorry. No matter how I try to talk about something else, everything keeps coming back to OWS. You just can't escape it.

From CBSNews.com: Riot police arrest "Occupy Oakland" protesters

In a surprise move from Oakland Mayor Jean Quan, who had been quoted in support of the protests as saying "sometimes democracy can be messy", a force of around 500 law enforcement officers moved in on the group of roughly 200 protestors this morning. Which sounds about right to me. Nothing says even odds like an over 2-to-1 ratio of police to protestor, especially when the police are armed with riot gear, rubber bullets, and tear gas. I even found a few scattered reports of the police using sound cannons on the protesters, but as of right now it would appear those are unconfirmed, confused reports of helicopters in the area.

I'm curious to know what caused Mayor Quan's 180 on the topic. To go from supporting the spirit of the protests to signing off on a police action that included 12 departments marshaled against a group that could file into a single Olive Garden without the fire marshall quirking an eyebrow, well that simply is not a decision that comes without some force of external pressure.

Not only was the protest broken up in their original park, but any attempt to organize away from the scene in the wake of the raid was also disbursed, resulting in further arrests.

It's just a shame that the Oakland cops didn't hear about this story out of Albany, in which the New York Staties, in conjunction with Albany Mayor Jerry Jennings, refused to comply with an order from the governor to clear out a similar protest in New York's capital.

You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning ....

And that, I think, was the handle—that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn’t need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting—on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave

Hunter S. Thompson

Put on the Glasses!!

2011-10-24T13:18:00.000-04:00

It's incredible how hard some people fight when you try to open their eyes.

Happy Monday to you, dear friends. While I am sure many of you are sick of me talking about it at this point, today we will be clicking the gears back to Occupy Wall Street. After spending some quality time with some of my extended family this weekend, I started to realize how skewed the public's view of these protests is. Not to say that their confusion is incomprehensible - the media is doing a hell of a job on this to keep everyone's head spinning. From conservative monoliths like FOX News explaining how the protesters are not only confused, but the "fact" that all the injustices they are protesting are actually their own fault, to liberal political forces attempting to co-opt the movement in a power-bid for aspirations of office, as per usual, everyone has an agenda when talking about this loaded issue.

But like all great tragedies, it is the fool who has the least to lose in telling you the unadulterated truth.

It seems to me that the biggest problem the protestors are facing, beyond the police brutality and corporate efforts to silence their voice, is the public's view that the protestors demand of an end to corporate greed is too ethereal. They have no hard, itemized demands that can be checked off in the name of marking progress.

So in the interest of compassionate comprehension, today in lieu of discussing current events we are going to play a little game. And that game is called They Rule. If you would kindly point your browser to the page, the game will begin.

They Rule is a website that I remember being discussed on an edition of ABC's World News Tonight back in the early 2000s. Once the page is loaded, you are met with a blank screen with a tool bar in the upper left corner. What They Rule does is allow you to view the board members of any of the top Fortune 500 corporations. Simply select a company and mouse over the table icon that appears, and you will be able to generate a list of every board member for that company. Now, where it gets really interesting is when you mouse over the name of the individuals representing that board you will be able to extrapolate the map to include a list of every other company these people also serve as board members for. By the time you're finished, you have a disgustingly widespread and tight knit web of greed.

Let's start with one example together, class. Considering it is largely the banking interests that has people so up-in-arms these past weeks, we will begin with the Bank of America Corporation. Once you have expanded the list of their board, you will find a list of 18 names. Of these 18 names, 9 of them, half of their board, also have interests on other corporate boards. The list of these companies includes CBS, Liberty Mutual Insurance Group, and even The Walt Disney Company. Now, make sure to drag the CBS table out of the way a little so we can expand that list without our graphic becoming too muddled. Expanding upon CBS's board will show that not only are two of their members protecting interests in Bank of America, but we also see Northrup Grumman - a defense tech corporation, VIACOM - another American media conglomerate, Urban Institute - a DC based think tank involved in data collection and processing on the social and economic trends facing Americans, AECOM - an engineering group which provides services in the areas of transportation, energy, and government, amongst others, and lastly, The Center for Strategic and International Studies - another bi-partisan think tank with its focus placed primarily on foreign policy, rather than domestic.

Phew! Talk about a head rush. Now of course, you can take any one of these companies connected to CBS and expand their list of board members, creating more degrees of connection between the clandestine members of the top 1%.

Let's try another quick example before I leave you to play with this tool on your own. This time, we'll start with the lovable, kid-friendly people over at The Walt Disney Corporation. Clear your maps, and start there. Once you expand their list of board members, and then the list of secondary boards these individuals belong to, you will find that Disney has a total of 13 board members, and actually more secondary boards than they have members! Of the 14 secondary boards listed, we find financial interests like Bank of America, Wells Fargo, and VISA. We also find corporate commercial interests from Nike, McDonald's, Apple, Starbucks, and Clorox. And of course, the shining gem of any list of Fortune 500 companies, the military defense contractors over at Boeing Co. And don't even get me started on how convoluted Boeing's map gets.

So, maybe now with this little graphical demonstration, you might start to see where the rage of the 99% is coming from. The elites running these corporations have woven a fine web whose sole purpose is to ensure that nothing can tamper with their steady market trend of profit gains. How can we trust anything CBS reports regarding the financial markets, when one of their board directors also seats a chair for Bank of America? How comfortable are you in the fact that The Walt Disney Companies childish facade is hiding a board director who signs off on Nike's usage of third world child labor? And when one man, W James McNerney Jr., holds a chair on the board for IBM, Boeing, and Proctor and Gambel, well, I can't help but think that that much power simply has to lead to corruption.

Of course, I expect none of my words to change any minds that are already made up on the topic. As I said in my introduction to this post, no man will fight you as hard as one who is being led from ignorance. The wonderful people over at The 53% are proof of that, if nothing else. All I can do, is ask that you open your eyes. And put on the glasses.

"It's the Ultimate Fuck You"

2011-10-23T13:32:00.000-04:00

I would like to thank my interwebz pal, RayB, for splicing this together and sharing it.

And of course, thanks to Joe Rogan for voicing his opinion.

And thanks to you, for checking it out.

Ahh, nothing says It's Just a Ride like Spongebob Squarepants with blood-shot eyes. I love it.

Almost as much as I love all of you. Carpe Diem.

Every Body Dance!!

2011-10-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

This song has many messages.

And I love them all.

Keep it Silly, Stupid.
KISS
The Ride

Heyy...It's Like a Hippity-Hop!!

2011-10-21T15:40:00.000-04:00

All jokes aside, this is one of the most hilariously horrible and awful things I have ever seen. This dude deserves his own parade.

From Las Vegas Review-Journal: Las Vegas man with 100-pound scrotum seeks money for surgery

As hard as it may be to believe, this man seems to have a bigger heart than his swollen scrotum.

Turn the right corner in Las Vegas, and you may cross paths with 47 year old Wesley Warren Jr., pillow and milkcrate in hand. Warren carries these items when he goes out, because he needs them during his frequent stops to use as a pedestal for his scrotum, which hangs nearly to the ground. And don't feel too bad for staring, because Warren says he has come to expect it.

Warren has recently gone public with his condition through an appearance on The Howard Stern Show in a bid to seek aid for the mountainous medical bills associated with surgery for his affliction. Warren has been told by doctors that the entire procedure will cost roughly one million dollars, and he's hoping for a little help.

Warren described his condition on the Stern Show to horrifying detail, a version of which can be found in the link provided, but I'll leave out the grisly details here. I would just like to say, a toast, to a man who is doing his best to turn around a bad situation.

Medicinal Fried Chicken
Get More: SOUTH
PARK more...

I hope, for his sake, that women really do love huge balls.

Back in the Cage You Animal!

2011-10-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

Hooray!

Three Cheers for the Industrial Prison Complex!!

Hooray! Hooray!! HOORAY!!!

From The LA Times: Borrowed cellphone slams prison cell shut

In 1988, Dwayne Kennedy was charged and sentenced to prison for throwing a man from a moving vehicle. Six years later, while incarcerated in 1994, he was charged with stabbing another inmate. And now, after long years in a stone and steel cage, Dwayne Kennedy was ready to taste the sweet air of freedom.

Dwayne had finally passed the parole board and was ready to go home. He was so excited, Kennedy borrowed a contraband cell phone from another inmate to call his family and tell them he was coming home. And then, as they say, the bottom dropped out.

Kennedy was caught using the contraband mobile device. And because of his wanton refusal to abide by the rules of prison society, the parole board decided to revoke his parole. Stating that Kennedy's actions in willfully disobeying prison regulations proved that he was still a measurable risk to society, the parole board revoked his freedom and slammed the door to his cell shut - for another five years.

OK. Now, admittedly, some twisted part of myself can understand where the prison interests are coming from on this one. The man has a history of violent criminal activity, and an obvious disdain for the rules of civilized society. But isn't five years a little over board? With the estimated costs of housing an inmate for that period ringing in at around a quarter of a million dollars, that's one expensive fucking phone call.

But here's a thought. Why the hell didn't the parole board, upon reaching their decision to allow Kennedy to be released, offer to allow the man to make a call to inform his loved ones? Why was this man forced to go outside the regulations of prison life to do something as simple as call his sister to say he was coming home? I mean hell, the last time this man was free, Ronald Reagan was in office. We're talking about an increase of his prison term of over 20% for making a phone call. If that doesn't shout "Land of the Free", I don't know what does.

Alright, time to put a cap on this one. In closing, a little number from System of a Down.

Because here at The Ride, we like to thrash like we're still in the 7th Grade.

Yak to the Future

2011-10-19T16:16:00.000-04:00

Welcome, friends, to a very special Today In History edition of The Ride.

From History.com: John Z. DeLorean is arrested in $24 million cocaine deal

Who knew?

As the story goes, John Z. DeLorean, creator of the famous vehicle used as a time machine in the Back to the Future series, was arrested and charged with conspiracy to obtain and distribute 24 million dollars worth of cocaine on this day in 1982. Funny thing is, the charges weren't enough to dissuade Spielberg from using the car in his movies, which weren't released until three years after these charges surfaced.

DeLorean, who is also credited for designing the GTO and Firebird models for Chrysler in the 70s before he left the company to pursue his own interests, apparently was involved in a gauntlet of legal woes. While he was eventually acquitted of the charge to acquire 55 pounds of cocaine, soon after the charges were dropped he faced more legal action involving charges of fraud. DeLorean spent the next two decades paying off millions to creditors. I hope he got a fat paycheck for his car appearing in the film.

All I can say is Goddamn, the 80s were a wild fucking time.

Unfortunately the History.com article doesn't provide much as far as details of the alleged coke deal beyond monetary values and weight of product. I'm guessing that has something to do with the fact that DeLorean was eventually aquitted on all drug charges. But how the hell do you raise those kind of charges against a person when you don't have enough evidence for the conviction? I mean, it's not like they just pull names out of hats to try and lay that kind of weight on.

Luckily, I have found a dramatic recreation of the events as they allegedly transpired.

Chi-chi! Get the fucking yayo!!

The 999 Plan is from What??

2011-10-18T16:47:00.000-04:00

You know, I don't have too much respect for politicians. Same goes for CEOs with political aspirations. So when I tell you that in the past 24 hours I have lost more respect for Herman Cain than any other political persona, it's saying something.

To be honest, I didn't know much about Cain. In fact, I still don't know too much about him. But thanks to the magic of the interwebs, I have stumbled upon three shining little gems that completely undo any modicum of reverence I might have once had for the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza.

Exhibit A: Herman Cain is a corporate douche-bag.
Proof: Who the fuck could so perversely rewrite John Lennon's Imagine to have the song be about pizza?

Exhibit B: Herman Cain likes to appear cultured by quoting poets that are actually songwriters for the Pokemon film series.
Proof: Watch Cain quoting Donna Summers in this clip from a GOP debate. Notice how he even fails to mention the name of the "poet" he is quoting, as if somehow not realizing that his potential supporters all have the power of Google at their fingertips.

Exhibit C: Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan, much like his choice in literary quotes, is stolen from a child's video game.
Proof: From HuffingtonPost.com: SimCity Games Will Cost $9.99 In Honor Of Herman Cain's 999 Plan

That's right kids. Cain's vaunted 9-9-9 plan is taken straight from the realm of Sim City. Now, while Cain is adamantly denying that he has taken his tax plan from the microcosmic world of pixelated society, but that isn't stopping game producer Electronic Arts from offering a special discount on their popular title - now available for $9.99.

Again, Cain has publicly denounced any claims that he is taking political cues from a video game, but honestly - if you had been caught stealing ideas from a game, would you want to admit it? First, you disgrace one of the most touching songs about the freedom of the human spirit by making it a tool to sell pizza. Then you follow it up by bringing Pokemon - arguably one of the most nonsensical children's franchises in history - into the political arena under the guise of legitimate literature. And you follow it up by stealing the one piece of your campaign that has really been giving you momentum from a god damn video game, and don't even have the good grace to admit to your plagiarism.

Fuck You, Herman Cain.

Fuck You, and Goodnight.

The Band was Playin' "Nearer My God To Thee"

2011-10-17T15:13:00.000-04:00

Fare Thee Well, Strange Travelers, Fare Thee Well

This past weekend I opened a post with a weeping emoticon, to express my level of frustration, anger and sadness at the topic at hand. In that vein, to show a proper level of escalation regarding my outraged reaction to today's story, please see the first 20 seconds of the clip below.

Toilet Paper
Get More: SOUTH
PARK more...

From Care2.com: 14 Shamans Murdered in Peru

OK, before I let the headline sensationalize you too much, as the article explains, these 14 Shamans were murdered over the course of the last 20 months. I'll admit, when I first saw the headline it conjured visions of a grotesque mass murder like something out of a Rob Zombie movie. Yet after reading the article, I find myself no less incensed.

The Peruvian government has sent an official team to investigate the murders of 14 local medicine men, only 7 of whom have been recovered thus far. Those recovered were shown to have been victims of bullet wounds, or hacked and stabbed to death by machete.

As reported in The Peruvian Times, these men were planning on forming an association to share their knowledge with the world when they began to go missing. Allegedly, these crimes were committed by a local Protestant known as "the witch hunter", at the behest of his brother - the mayor of the local town of Balsa Puerto. According to local government experts on Amazonian culture, both men belong to a fringe sect of Protestantism that see men such as these shaman as being possessed by demons, and thus their religious responsibility to eliminate them. Apparently in as violent a fashion as possible.

As tragic as this senseless loss of life is, it is the loss of knowledge that is really staggering. The death of these men mark not only an unrecoverable loss of an intimate knowledge of the complex ecosystem of the rainforest, but "the crucial role shamans play in traditional medicine and spiritual guidance in indigenous communities", as the program director of Amazon Watch's Peru division was quoted in The Guardian.

And the world marches on. Over 500 years after the Spanish Conquistadors first arrived on the shores of the New World, leading the flame-wreathed cavalry of the Good Lord deep into the Heart of Darkness, and still, with all of our perceived infinite progression and evolution of moral integrity we find this endless repetition of the sins of our fathers. What knowledge were these men preparing to share that so rattled the cage of a man who carries the title of "witch-hunter" into the 21st Century?

And can someone please explain to me why this article makes no mention of anyone being apprehended for these atrocious crimes? It certainly appears they have enough information on those allegedly responsible to warrant taking them into custody, even despite the political shield being a mayor might provide.

In closing, a song. A song to carry those beautiful strange travelers home.

River take me. Sing me sweet and sleepy.
Sing me sweet and sleepy
All the way back home.

It's a fargone lullaby
Some many years ago
Mama, mama many worlds I've come
Since I've first left home.

Sundays are for Jamming

2011-10-16T12:14:00.001-04:00

And Jam is what we shall do!

Looking for The New World
A Palace in the Sun

We Are the 53%

2011-10-15T16:14:00.000-04:00

This makes me sad. So sad, it warrants a weeping emoticon. :'-(

*sniff sniff*

From Gawker.com: The Right-Wing Version of ‘We Are the 99 Percent’: Heartbreaking

As the article explains, there has been an official response to the "99%ers" over at Occupy Wall Street from the members of the Republican underclass at the tumblr called We Are the 53%. Characterized by an almost Christ-like nobility in the silent suffering of the very same hardships that have pushed so many to the streets of cities across the nation, the message of the "53%ers" is simply - Suck It Up.

It all comes back to inheriting dead people's baggage. As I see it, through a mixture of religious influence and generations of poverty in middle America, a large percentage of our population has somehow become convinced that their suffering is righteous. Caught between the rhetoric of the meek inheriting the Earth, and insidious degradation of the American sensibility from "If we all work hard we can make this a better place for everyone" to "This is just the way it is - Drive On", the American public has in some way become convinced that this is their lot in life. The simple fact that the We Are the 53% website shows pictures of people proudly holding pieces of paper in front of the camera with Marine phrases like "Drive On" should speak volumes. Such militant rhetoric certainly has its place behind enemy lines when such an attitude can mean the difference between life and death, but putting on such totalitarian blinders has no place in the social aspect of a democratic society.

I'll tell you one thing though, brothers and sisters. All these numbers are driving me out of my mind.

I don't know what you believe, but I do know there's no doubt,
I'll need another double shot of something 90 proof, I got too much to think about

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

2011-10-14T15:22:00.000-04:00

Whatcha Gonna Do?

From HuffingtonPost.com: Stephen Anderson, Ex NYPD Cop: We Planted Evidence, Framed Innocent People To Reach Quotas

There are three possible reactions to this story.

Reaction A: You are overcome with a feeling of shock and revulsion at the grotesque abuse of power in the New York Police Department.

Reaction B: You impatiently roll your eyes and wait for the rest of the world to catch up with a revelation which you have known of for years.

Or of course the much more rare, yet still viable, Reaction C: Sweat begins to form on your brow as your asshole tightens and goes cold. Only applicable if you are a lobbyist for the industrial prison complex, a narc detective, or the American Drug Czar.

You know, I never thought this day would really come. But I think we may have finally gotten past the hero worship of the police in the greater metropolitan area of New York that came with 9/11. For a long, long time in these parts it was the mark of a heretic to speak bad on the NYPD. After all, what kind of heartless cretin could stand against the men and women who so selflessly gave themselves for the recovery effort of that terrible day?

But thanks to the media storm surrounding the NYPD from their treatment of the Wall St. protestors, the official recognition of the police force's involvement in planting narcotics on innocent civillians to bolster arrest numbers may just be the straw that breaks this camel's back. And if my gut is right on this one, the degradation of public opinion in regards to those who swear to Protect and Serve has only just begun. Once all the pussy from that "Hero Dick Syndrome" starts to dry up, we'll get to see how mean these bastards can really be.

Don't worry though, girls. The firemen out there are still of pure morals. If you feel the need to get yourself some of that hero dick, just make sure he's wearing red, not blue. Or, better yet, in the loving words of those adorable femme fatales at Suicide Girls: Protestors are the new Rock Stars. Fuck one today.

Robber Barons

2011-10-13T17:02:00.001-04:00

Here's a fun string of articles!

First - From Reuters.com: JPMorgan Q3 net falls; bank eyes expenses

OK, bank profits are down. Big deal, so what? Well, let's compare that article with this one.

From DailyKos.com: JP Morgan buys NYPD for $4.6 million

In a response to the protestors of Occupy Wall Street (I know, I just can't seem to drop the topic), the bankers at JP Morgan made an unprecedented 4.6 million dollar donation to the New York Police Department. OK, now go back to the Reuters article. What's the figure that they report as a loss for Q3? $1.02 per share from its position last year. Down to $4.3 billion, from its $4.4 billion position last year at this time.

So, with these "monumental" losses, JP Morgan now must cut 1,000 jobs from their banking firms. The Reuters article goes on to throw in a bunch of technical finance jargon that have my head spinning like the girl from the exorcist. I will require the services of an old priest, and a young priest, if I am to have any hope of excising the demonic odor of pea soup from my furnishings. I'm quite sure that someone with a more stable background will be able to take these articles and explain them in a way that makes complete sense, both in regards to morality and sound business ethics. And I am also quite sure that such a faceless business casual professional would be completely full of shit.

In the long run, all you have is a bank laying off a large number of their employees in one sector, in order to open up funds for paying their new security force. Just wait until old man Morgan decides it a prudent business decision to purchase Blackwater. We'll see who's laughing then.

Let me tell you friends. There is only one cure for this kind of angst.

Singing Lord preserve us, and protect us!
We've been drinking Whiskey for Breakfast!!

For The People

2011-10-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

A great video posted to YouTube by Corey Ogilvie.

"Hypocrisy has it's own elegant symmetry"

Beautiful

Solidarity.

2011-10-10T15:49:00.000-04:00

Occupy Wall Street.

Because yesterday, too many Americans had Wish Sandwiches.

Have you ever heard of a Wish Sandwich??
A Wish Sandwich is the kind of a Sandwich where you have two slices of bread, and you Wish you had some meat!!

Bow-bow-bow!

ThoughtCrimes, Continued

2011-10-09T14:00:00.001-04:00

Morning, kids. Hope you're all keeping it easy like Sunday Morning so far. I know I was.

You know, when I posted an entry on Monday of last week labeled "All ThoughtCrimes Will Be Persecuted", I was kind of joking with the title. The revisionist tactics I discussed from The New York Times and their staff member Al Baker were certainly Orwellian to say the least, but that didn't mean that I truly believed that there were crimes being made out of thought. At least until I read the article I'm going to share with you today.

From HuffingtonPost.com: U.S. Drug Policy Would Be Imposed Globally By New House Bill

Don't really know where to begin with this one...

The basic idea of the story is this - the House Judiciary Committee passed a bill on Thursday that makes it a federal crime for US citizens to discuss or plan activities that violate the Controlled Substance Act, even if the country these plans are to be carried out in have no laws against the activity.

So, let's give an example.

The article provides an example describing a young couple planning their wedding. Let's say the couple plans on having their ceremony in the historic and picturesque city of Amsterdam. OK, no laws broken yet. Now, let's say this same couple discusses procuring a bag of marijuana for the bridal party. Well, while marijuana may be legal in Amsterdam, since it is not legal in the United States, despite having no intention of smuggling the illicit substance onto American soil, these young love-birds would be guilty of a federal crime simply in planning their wedding. They don't even have to actually pick up the bag to be prosecuted.

But the bill doesn't stop there, sir! The bill goes the extra mile in allowing conspiracy charges to be brought against anyone who discusses or advises in any activity that would result in a violation of the CSA. So, to continue with the example of the Amsterdam wedding, should charges be brought against the wedding planners for having the thought of getting a little weed over seas - then conspiracy charges could be laid on anyone involved in the planning of the wedding, even if they had no idea that there were plans for a little doobie during the celebrations. So, let's say that it was your wedding being planned in Amsterdam, and your loving mother decided to help by booking the hotel. Well, while your mother had no inkling of your intentions to light up in a country where it is perfectly acceptable by law to do so, she too could be charged with breaking federal law for her involvement.

EDIT: A helpful comment informed me that I was full of shit with the stricken out part there. Whoops. My bad. Thank you, Jack McCoy.

And American Imperialism marches on.

See, this is what happens when you allow the reins of government to be seized by a group of morally uptight religious zealots. You have all these bible-thumpers who have been told since birth that in the eyes of the Lord, even thinking about committing a sin is a sin in of itself. Yes, those pesky "Thou Shalt Not Covet" commandments make it a slight against God to even consider wanting things that don't belong to you, never mind the fact that there is already an established commandment against outright theft, or adultery. The mere desire for your neighbor's wife or possessions is a direct violation of God's ten most sacrosanct instructions. Well, it is no wonder that people that have been weened on this rhetoric since birth feel a moral obligation to try and enforce this line of thinking with legislation. That's the real frightening thing here. This new law doesn't make it illegal to perform acts overseas that are allowed in whatever country you happen to be in that might be against the law here at home. No, this law makes it illegal to plan such actions.

All in all, sounds very Minority Report to me. Arresting people for crimes that haven't happened yet.

Thank God we live in a country who's judicial branch lives off the mantra "innocent until proven guilty." It's just a damn shame you can now be called to account for the idle fancies of a wandering mind, rather than the physical repercussions of a crime that has actually been committed.

Some people said I think to much, so I had a think about it, and I think they should shut the fuck up

Seize The Ride.

SKYNET is going live!

2011-10-08T20:28:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ. Maybe those fancy bomb shelters I made fun of a few weeks back aren't such a bad idea...

From Wired.com: Exclusive: Computer Virus Hits U.S. Drone Fleet

OK, so early reports are calling the computer virus infecting the fleet of drone attackers "benign", this might just be the most frightening thing I've ever read. The only thing scarier than a government in control of a bunch of deadly remote controlled devices, is a government who has lost control of a bunch of deadly remote controlled devices.

Run. Like. Hell.

Get Wild like a Wilbury

2011-10-07T14:40:00.000-04:00

I am of the opinion that it is an American duty to culturally educate yourself on the etymology of the term "Wilbury."

I expect your essays on the topic on my desk first thing Monday morning, class. Now get out there and get some of that weekend sunshine.

Enjoy The Ride

Singing Along with that Star-Spangled Bomber

2011-10-06T15:54:00.000-04:00

G'day to you, freaks and freakettes. Let's cut right to the action.

From Wired.com: Prisoners Help Build Patriot Missiles

I'll give that a minute to sink in.

This story from Wired is a little old, dated March 8 of this year. The only reason I found it is because Disinfo.com shared the link with flavor text saying "file this in the 'in case you missed it' news cycle". And they were right. I for one sure as hell missed this.

Made even more relevant with the revelation of the profiteering involved in federal capital punishment unearthed with the death of Troy Davis, the article describes a corporation named Unicor involved in the system of federal prison labor. Previously called Federal Prison Industries, Unicor employs 20,000 federal inmates in over 70 prisons producing a veritable cornucopia of products ranging from clothing to office furniture, solar panels, and even military devices. *Cue Sesame Street's "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others"*

That's right. The incredibly specialized process of assembling these earth-shaking guided missiles is being performed by federal inmates for mere pennies. Ironic, especially considering these inmates would never be able to get a job doing the same thing on the outside world once they were released, due to having a criminal record. But what makes this even more insulting is the number of unemployed law abiding citizens who could use this kind of job offer. Apparently if you can train a prison inmate to do that job, then I'm guessing you don't need a college degree to be trained at the art.

Of course, Unicor's involvement in military production is not limited to guided missile components. They also created a tidy profit from selling helmets to the military, but they lost that contract when over 40,000 units were recalled due to shoddy quality. Sure makes you feel safe.

Some folks are born silver-spoon in hand
Lord, how they help themselves

See No Evil

2011-10-05T16:26:00.000-04:00

The Three Monkeys are alive and well. Spreading their mantra through churches in Italy.

Hear No Evil
Speak No Evil
See No Evil

From NBCNewYork.com: Italian Worshiper Tears Both Eyes Out at Mass

Talk about feeling the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ.

Aldo Bianchini, 46, told the surgeons who were unable to save his eyesight that he tore out his eyes with his own bare hands during the sermon at a church near Pisa, Italy because "the voices in his head told him to do it." Parishioners reported watching in horror as the man began clawing at his face in an effort to gouge out his eyes, a feat that Bianchini's surgeon says requires super human strength. Not to mention a steel will and determination.

Father Lorenzo Tanganelli, who was delivering the sermon that day, said he called for assistance as soon as he discovered the cause for the commotion coming from the back of the parish, but paramedics were unable to arrive in time to prevent the Biblically grotesque self-mutilation. Bianchini was taken away to the nearest hospital, and a shaken Father and his flock continued in celebrating mass. Of course, while many of the faithful departed from church early that day, with the dedication of a vaudeville barker Tanganelli decided "The Show Must Go On." Likely he had not reached the point in the program where the collection plate gets passed around.

My question is, in a church full of so-called Good Samaritans, how was it that a man can cause such a ruckus without someone tackling him before he caused irreparable harm to himself? Surely you would think that at least one concerned member of the fold would have jumped to offer aid. Or an even better question - how the hell does NBC get off on calling this reporting without telling us what the topic of the Father's sermon was? They make a weak and contrived connection to the Gospel with a reference to Matthew's description of Jesus' famous quote saying "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell", but fail to say if that was the actual topic of the day. I for one am certainly curious to know which of these hallowed pages caused a man to be so consumed by the light and glory of the Lord.

In any case, it sounds to me like a loud revival of the old days of the fire and brimstone church. This is some serious Event Horizon shit right here. Old Testament style Wrath of the Righteous, Damnation of the Sinners, and so on.

Pure Evil by movieclips

All I know is somebody better call up Larry Fishburne before The Ride gets any more out of control.

To the Moon, Comrade!

2011-10-04T21:05:00.000-04:00

Greetings, psychonauts!

Bet you thought I forgot about you today, didn't ya? Well, no such luck! Here we go.

Today on The Ride, a look back in history. On this day, October the 4th, in the year 1957, the Soviet Union cut the ribbon on the Space Age with the launch of Sputnik. Sputnik, named for the Russian word for "satellite", was launched into the night sky over the Kazakh Republic, where it began its 4 month journey whipping around the Earth, completing an orbit roughly once ever hour and a half.

Of course, what most people (in the United States at least, I can't speak for the rest of the world) remember about Sputnik is not the awe-inspiring achievement of the first artificially constructed satellite being launched into the heavens, but rather the fevered and wild fear that accompanied the fact that it was the Russians, the mortal enemy of our great nation, had made this accomplishment. And they simply couldn't be trusted.

Officially, Sputnik was launched to gather data and broadcast it back to Earth over a simple radio transmission. Any amateur radio operator with the right gear could tune in as Sputnik flew over their corner of the world and listen to the steady beeps of the transmission. Of course, in the social climate of the Cold War, being able to listen as a Soviet satellite flew invisible over your head every 90 minutes results in a prime breeding ground for panic and paranoia. And thus, the Space Race was born!

After all, it simply wouldn't do to all those pinko scum to control the very heavens. Mastery of the celestial sphere could only belong to good, God-fearing American capitalist interests. And so, in January of 1958, the United States had launched its first satellite in response to the Soviets. Of course, by this time Sputnik's orbit had already deteriorated, causing it to fall from the sky. But by the time the US had launched their satellite, the USSR was already on to bigger and better things with Sputnik 2, which they used to launch the first dog into space. In fact, the Soviets remained steadfast in keeping their spot at the front of the space race, until of course the US made a fantastic leap by placing the first man on the moon with the Apollo missions. But we won't get into the complexity of that argument now.

And here we stand, 54 years later. The Soviet Union has been dissolved. The United States stands supreme in their position as a super power, at least for now. Yet what I find interesting, in this post-Cold War world, is that the loss of freedom that so concerned the ruling political body of that era appears to have come about at its own hands. I know I keep bringing this up, but the daily footage from the Occupy Wall Street protests do a lot to show you the kind of police state we live in in America these days. And what kind of videos do we see from Russia? Well, how about this one.

That's right. A fucking motorcycle with a full drum kit and guitar amplification. When I first saw this video, the first thing that went through my head was "This has to be the most American thing I have ever seen." Until I read the description and discovered it was filmed on a Russian highway. How's that for freedom? Those guys aren't even wearing helmets! Meanwhile, in New York City, the police are herding people like cattle into precincts to keep them from disrupting the continued abuse of the American public at the hands of the capitalist bankers we spent years fighting the communists to protect.

It's a Brave New World kids. Strap in.

The Ride is always getting Weirder.

All ThoughtCrimes Will Be Persecuted

2011-10-03T14:53:00.000-04:00

How we doin', kids?

Today on The Ride - we plunge back into the world of ethical journalism. Check this out.

From ButAsForMe.com: Orwellian NY Times: The Times Alters the Occupy Wall Street Storyline

As they say, a picture tells a thousand words. A quick look at the side by side comparison of an original piece posted to the New York Times website last night at 6:59 PM - laid next to the "updated and revised" version which was posted 20 minutes later at 7:19 PM - speaks volumes.

The original text of the story explains how the NYPD herded protesters from the OccupyWallStreet protest out onto the Brooklyn Bridge, where they could then begin to unjustifiably arrest the protesters en masse. 20 minutes later the words are completely changed. What once told the story of the unscrupulous methods employed by the police department to control the protesters now reads as a sensationalized account of a "tense showdown" between police and protesters. What once started as the police "allowing [protesters] onto the bridge" before arresting them, becomes protesters "marching onto the Brooklyn Bridge's roadway". And with a simple change of two quick sentences, the Gestapo-esque practices of the New York Police Department becomes the valiant efforts of a few good men trying to keep the streets safe for you and your family.

And where did these edits come from? Well, if you look at the story, the original text was authored by a man named Colin Moynihan. The story as it was updated 20 minutes later claims authorship by both Moyniha, and a man named Al Baker. Who is Al Baker, you ask?

From the NYT website: Al Baker, police bureau chief for The New York Times — and the son of a police lieutenant — brings you inside the nation’s largest police force every Thursday.

Well then. Talk about conflicting interests interfering with the objectivity of the news. Astounding that the NYTimes resident police reporter and chief is allowed to make such extreme editorial decisions without any oversight. Unless of course, the NYTimes is no more trustworthy than FOX News, shaping the headlines until they are formed into a worthy tool for the indoctrination of its readership.

So hooray for journalist integrity! Hooray for honesty in the media!! Hooray for America!

But above all - hooray for those beautiful protesters. Keep fighting the good fight. The Whole World is Watching.

Here is some footage from the Brooklyn Bridge incident from this weekend, accompanied by an interview from a protester who was actually there on the bridge. Watch the clip - you decide who to trust. Your neighbors - or the police.

Look Sharp!

2011-10-02T18:16:00.000-04:00

Take what you've got left of your weekend and jam.

Have a good one, kids.

Yo man, let me get a nickel bag.

2011-10-01T15:13:00.000-04:00

On March 1st 2011, I shared a story here on the blog talking about discussions being brought to the table with the goal of changing the laws in the Netherlands that allowed foreign tourists to legally purchase cannabis at their famed coffee shops.

Today, the hammer comes down with force.

From CNN.com: Dutch city's coffee shops close doors to most cannabis tourists

So here we have it. Seven months to the day after I first brought your attention to this story, we have the final word in.

First, take a quick breather. The decision, as it stands, only effects the city of Maastricht, and the ban only effects foreign tourists. The coffee-shops have agreed upon a "neighbor" policy, in which the only tourists that will be allowed to purchase cannabis legally are those holding passports from the neighboring nations of Belgium and Germany.

Shockingly, this decision has apparently come not from the lawmakers, but the Society of United Coffeshops. The police and judges will have no jurisdiction to enforce these regulations - that labor is laid solely on the backs of the proprietors of the coffee shops. The choice to bar these shops from foreign tourists came after the city council decided that "something had to be done" about the 2.2 million tourists per year that were clogging the city's narrow streets. Apparently, in this atrocious global economy, such flagrant and wanton spending from foreign bank accounts is simply unacceptable.

The concern here is that the barred doors will result in a rise of the illegal street trade. Say what you will about the laws regarding prohibition in the Netherlands, but one can not deny that they have successfully removed the criminal aspect of the trade from their society. As I said in my original post on 03/01/11 regarding the possibility of these changes, only time will tell how these changes in regulations will effect the black market in these cities.

Anything to keep these kind of animals off the streets, right kids?

"Prohibition is so gay...Fucking 80s style"

September

2011-09-30T13:23:00.000-04:00

Where the hell did the last month go?

September
Shadows growing long
September

I am a Faker, Pretending Along

2011-09-29T15:11:00.000-04:00

Today, The Ride will stand as a salve for the diatribe I took against CNN yesterday. It seems that at least some of the material posted on their website is worth-while.

From CNN.com: Do You Speak Christian?

With a look at a fascinating short film from Kirby Ferguson, creator of the Vimeo series Everything is a Remix, and the book Speaking Christian by Episcopal Theologian Marcus Borg, CNN takes a moment to investigate the fascinating language of the Christian faith.

Now, I'm not going to chop up the article and put it back together for you here all piecemeal. I'll let you read CNN's article yourself, but the basic idea of the story goes like this. With a history over two thousand years long, the language of the Bible, and of the pulpit, has undergone a lot of changes. Words that were used thousands of years ago to evoke a certain definition have evolved through culture to have entirely different meanings.

Think of it this way. Everyone had to read a little Shakespeare in high school. If Shakespeare, less than a thousand years old at this point, is so difficult to access and comprehend in this day in age, what makes you think the Bible would be any easier? At least Shakespeare wrote in English, there's no knowing how many translations the Bible has gone through before reaching your pew, or how talented those translators were.

So the next time you hear some pious, self-obsessed zealot talk about how they were "Born-again", take comfort as I do that they likely have no idea what the hell they are talking about. Simply regurgitating words that one has heard without any knowledge of their meaning does not imply comprehension. Just ask any tropical parrot about that one.

Fakers.

So, it's come to this...

2011-09-28T13:27:00.000-04:00

Morning, freaks!

Here's a fascinating piece of news-worthy material!

From CNN.com: How to survive a zombie apocalypse

Yep. That's right. I said "From CNN.com". Zombies. Whoo-boy.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Naturally, upon first seeing this headline I simply had to investigate further. What possible worldly reason could CNN have for putting together a piece on surviving a zombie apocalypse? Certainly the varied reports of zombified ants, as well as other various critters (Google it, I'm not making this up), are cause for some alarm. But a sensationalized headline on one of America's most trusted news-sources about how to survive an actual zombie apocalypse? Have things really gotten that bad?

The answer, of course, is a resounding "Yes. They have."

But not for the reasons you're expecting. Calm your quaking knees, and pull yourself back from the window ledge. Hordes of the Undead are in fact not rushing down your door as you read this. Nay, a far more insidious force is at work here. And that is "respected" news outlets being hi-jacked by American commercialism.

Now you're probably asking, "But what do Zombies have to do with commercialism?" And the answer is - absolutely nothing. Yet at the same time, everything. Here's the story.

The CNN story begins by reporting on a memo released from the Center for Disease Control in May of this year, a tongue-in-cheek survival supplies guide list for outlasting the undead. The CDC released a very practical, no-nonsense guide, complete with a history of zombies going beyond their inflated image due to cinema all the way back to their roots in Haitian voodoo lore. As far as the recommended supplies go, the CDC make very sensible suggestions, from a healthy stock of water to necessary medications to the holiest of holies in all survival kits - duct tape. The CDC even goes as far as to note that many of the items listed are also quite useful in the event of a natural disaster, as many people learned from the hurricane season that pummeled the north east this summer.

The site continues by encouraging you and your family to come up with an emergency plan, to ensure you will be prepared for any possibility in this Sci-Fi End of Days scenario. But, as I said in the opening here, it was CNN that led me to this CDC post. And the CNN story was, as they say, "A horse of a different color."

The CNN version goes a little something like this. They open just below the headline with a dramatic still from the popular TV series "The Walking Dead", along with a link to the original CDC page. They then rattle off a few of the more practical items from the CDC list, artfully forgetting to mention the fact that the CDC directly states on its website that their cautions are easily applicable to more real world disaster scenarios. CNN then makes a gaudy runway display of a series of items from various "Zombie-themed" Amazon.com wishlists. Sacrificing the grounded application of the CDC's report for the frenzied hunt for flash and ratings, CNN parades a series of images of various "Zombie-security tools", most of which appear to have been taken from the wet dreams of former Vice President Dick Cheney.

While some of the items undoubtedly would come in handy in a pinch, like the Anti-Riot Helmet from Rothco (priced at a modest $61.99), others border on the absurd. Such as the Skull Faced Mask from ZANheadgear. Even the article admits that the piece serves no practical value beyond "looking cool", but throws in the extra selling point that these frightening grim reaper masks are used by U.S. soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan, touting "if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you and the zombies."

My favorite part of the piece is the fact that the author simply couldn't resist throwing in the reminder that the premiere of the second season of "The Walking Dead" was coming up next week, and that Halloween is right around the corner as well. A nice reminder that you have no reason to leave your homes, unless of course it is to go out and spend money on a bunch of shit you don't need.

So congratulations CNN, for turning what started as a good-hearted jab from the CDC into a fully fleshed commercial for companies making instruments that have no application off the battlefield other than the possibility of a zombie infestation. I mean sweet Christ, one of these items is a full body riot-suit, and is made by a company called Damascus Protective Gear. And at the "Get-it-now" price of $545.95, can you really afford to say no?

Just in case you're curious to educate yourself in a meaningful fashion on the reality of Zombies, steer yourself away from CNN and go check out this web series from VBS.tv, an episode of Hamilton's Pharmacopeia where Hamilton takes an in-depth look into the frighteningly real world of Zombies, unadulterated from the influences of western fiction. I've posted the official trailer here, which will take you to the full documentary should you wish to investigate further.

Enjoy The Ride. Love ya.

We're Goin' Bare-Hands!

2011-09-27T14:27:00.000-04:00

Is this life imitating art? Or life imitating art imitating life?

Or could it just be life imitating shitty cinema?

From The Inquisitr: Unemployed Man Will Let You Hunt Him For $10,000

Mork Encino, a 28 year old unemployed man suffering the ongoing misfortune of having parents who were obviously way too into Mork & Mindy in the 80s, is fed up. After suffering through a lengthy period of being without a job, Encino has turned to what he sees as being the only route left to provide for his family. He's offering himself up as prey for sportsmen looking to lock in mortal combat with the world's most dangerous game.

Mork's website, HuntMe4Sport.com, is offering the chance to hunt Mork for the price of $10,000. Standing proud in orange suspenders with a face only a mother could love, Encino is ready to do anything to provide for his loved ones in these tough economic times.

I am a new breed of prey with thick pelt and smooth hide...I’m faster than a wild turkey, smart as any GODDAMN wild boar, and willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the monetary health of my family.

Gotta hand it to the man. He sure sounds devoted.

While Encino has already received several offers on his website, as of yet none of them have been large enough to entice him into accepting the hunt. Truthfully, Encino is simply hoping that his website will go viral enough that it will help him land a legitimate job prospect, rather than be forced to go to ground in the bush against a coterie of maddened rifle-men.

For your sake, Mork, I hope that job offer comes down the line before Rutger Hauer and his buddies find your site.

I wouldn't want to be the one to have to explain to Gary Busey that he shouldn't be taking it too seriously.

Forked Tongue of the Times

2011-09-26T13:06:00.000-04:00

Howdy, kids!

Here's an interesting story.

From The New York Times: Gunning for Wall Street, With Faulty Aim

Yep, that's right. After over a week of a complete media blackout, the #OccupyWallStreet protest is finally getting some coverage. Unfortunately, that coverage is grossly biased against the protesters fighting the good fight. And who is surprised?

For a version of the events based more firmly in reality, go here:

From The Nation: Correcting the Abysmal 'New York Times' Coverage of Occupy Wall Street

Thank you, Alison Kilkenny.

Look at my furrows of worry! Look at my bank account! This has to be real!!

It's Just A Ride.

You're not like the others!

2011-09-25T17:19:00.000-04:00

You like the same things I do!!

I've had this ICE CREAM BAR since I was a CHILD!!

Hope you weirdos are enjoying your Sunday!

A Toast! To Larry Flynt!!!

2011-09-24T15:54:00.002-04:00

Hope this weekend finds you all in the very best of spirits, comrades.

And just in case you're feeling a little down in the dumps today, I am officially making it the mission of The Ride to crack a smile on your dour faces. I realize I have been getting a little heavy with the content I've chosen to discuss of late. So today, I am making the conscious decision to step away a bit. You know, I could have brought up the newly unveiled cell-phone tracking system being used by the FBI capable of tracking a cell phone even when it is not being used. Or I could have chosen the frightening blurb out of USA TODAY talking about how one in five Americans think that God directly helps run the economy, and that it works because "God wants it to". No, I have something far more interesting than all of that to share.

Drumroll Please

From Reuters.com: Porn magnate funds $1 million quest to embarrass Perry

That's right. The Sultan of Smut is kicking it old school for the denizens of the New World Order. Larry Flint, famed prince of pornography, is offering One Million Dollars in exchange for any verifiable material evidence concerning an extra-marital affair involving Republican Presidential hopeful, Rick Perry.

And the Race is on, and here comes Pride in the back stretch!

To advertise his campaign to discredit Perry, Larry Flynt paid for advertisement in satirical rag The Onion and the Austin Chronicle, declaring:

Have you had a gay or straight sexual encounter with Governor Rick Perry?

Can you provide documented evidence of illicit sexual or intimate relations with the governor? Larry Flynt and Hustler magazine will pay you up to $1 million if we choose to publish your verified story and use your material.

As you likely know, this isn't the first time Flynt has recruited his army of delinquent (and I use the term in the most complimentary way possible) readers to dig up dirt on public figures who happen to fall under his cross-hairs. Back when President Clinton was being impeached for lying about his sexual encounters with Monica Lewinski, Flynt made the same offer of $1 million to anyone who could bring proof of a scandal involving any of the congressional Republicans involved. And Larry's record goes back almost as long as his publication career. As Flynt himself said, "I've been doing this for 35 years...We've found running these ads were very successful in finding sources to come forward."

Of course, Rick Perry's office could not be reached for comment in regards to Flynt's offer. Let us hope that his apparent stoic refusal to dignify the search with a response means that there really is something to find. I don't know about the rest of you, but nothing lifts my spirit like watching politicians be buried by their own hypocrisy.

So, a toast! To politicians being exposed as the liars and cheats that they are! To transparency! And above all, to Larry Flynt - a true American Hero. God Bless You, Sir!

Tell Everyone! Shout it from the Mountain!! The Pervert is Back! THE PERVERT IS BACK!!

Can I blow a little smoke on you??

2011-09-23T11:12:00.000-04:00

It's Friday, freaks. But I'm sure you already knew that.

Time for a break.

Enjoy the weekend, my lovelies.

The Death of Innocence

2011-09-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

Good evening, fellow travelers.

Sorry it took me so long to get this posted. Been trying to turn this one over in my head for a bit.

So, unless you've been living under a rock, you've likely heard about the story of Troy Davis. Davis was convicted in 1991 for the slaying of a Georgia police officer, and was put to death yesterday by lethal injection. Despite a change in testimony of many of the original key witnesses against Davis, an international attempt at gaining attention on the case in hopes of gaining a stay of execution has failed. Last night, around 11:08 PM, Davis was pronounced dead.

Regardless of whether or not you are a supporter of the death penalty, this particular case is important because there was a large amount of doubt surrounding Davis' guilt. Davis himself, throughout his 20 years of imprisonment, repeatedly asserted that he was innocent of these crimes, right up to the moment he was pierced by the needle. In his last words, Davis said "For those about to take my life, may God have mercy on your souls, may God bless your souls." There was no rage in his words, only resignation. And a sincere desire that those guilty for the crime he was being held accountable for be found in the name of justice.

OK, so admittedly, I don't know all the facts of this case. I know that from what I have read, it would certainly appear that Davis had at least a shadow of a reasonable doubt surrounding the possibility of his guilt, but I wasn't in the court room. I haven't seen the case files. I only know what is being fed to me through the media. But one thing this case has taught me is the gross lengths a company will go to to turn a profit in our capitalist society.

Have you ever heard of a company called Correct Health? Yeah, me neither, until last night. Apparently, Rainbow Medical Associates, a subsidiary of Correct Health, was contracted for the lethal drugs used in Davis' execution. A contract ringing in to the tune of $18,000. Yes, that's right. Your tax dollars hard at work. Even more outrageous, if you dig a little deeper you'll find that until somewhat recently, the cost for outsourced murder contracts ran just a hair under a thousand dollars a pop. The inflated cost is due to legal fees involved in procuring liability insurance for the doctors administering the lethal injections, afraid that their medical license may be revoked for such a flagrant abandonment of the Hippocratic Oath.

So, what have you learned in school today, dear psychonaut friends of mine? I'm not here to tell you the lesson. It's not my job to tell you what to think. I'll tell you what I think though. I think it's long past time this country takes a long hard look at itself in the mirror. I think it's past time we stopped getting out panties in a twist every time Facebook makes a few changes to its interface and start paying attention to the important stuff. We're talking about a man who was in prison over a decade and a half before Facebook was released, yet a quick look at your News Feed from the last 24 hours will show you where the heart of this nation really lies.

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis. May you serve as an example of the dark side of our court system. Hopefully, somewhere down the line, something good will come out of this travesty of justice.

War on Birth Control!

2011-09-21T14:39:00.000-04:00

From the people who brought you The War on Drugs, and the wildly popular sequel, The War on Terror, comes the next installment in the blockbuster series! Coming to a county near you, this fall, The War on Birth Control!

From ThinkProgress.com: Texas GOP Rep On Cuts To Family Planning: ‘Of Course This Is A War On Birth Control’

Ahh, Texas. Thank God I stopped taking life so seriously, otherwise these 10-gallon hat wearing bible-addicts would really be causing me to lose sleep at night.

Yes, in a world where over-population is becoming a bigger and bigger problem by the day, Texas Representative Wayne Christian is spearheading the fight against birth control. Riding on the coattails of governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry's "emergency law" demanding that doctors perform a sonogram on women at least 24 hours before an abortion can be performed, Christian is taking the fight even further. Restricting medical facilities over abortion procedures, cutting funding for Planned Parenthood by over two-thirds, and threatening poor women's health care programs in the state.

Of course, the refreshing piece here is the fact that Christian isn't mincing his words here. Abandoning the party line that these cuts would in some way save Texas money (never mind the fact that Texas already spends more money on teenage pregnancy than any other state of the union), Christian has stepped into the firing line and openly declared war on birth control. After all, according to him, "that's what family planning is."

Yep. Read that again.

“Well of course this is a war on birth control and abortions and everything, that’s what family planning is supposed to be about,” Christian said.

Well, here's a thought Wayne. You want all these extra kids running around? Then you fucking pay for them. You take them to school every morning. You help them with their homework. And damnit, you'd better be cutting the crust off of those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you put in those brown paper bags every day.

"Conservatives want live babies so they can raise 'em to be dead soldiers!

Play it again, George.

" 'Cause I'm Proud to be an American..."

2011-09-20T13:41:00.000-04:00

...Where at least I know I'm free...

Check out this footage from the protests organized by Anonymous outside of Wall Street.

Business as usual.

The question is, how long will this video be allowed to stay posted on YouTube? As I explained in a post a little while back, the government considers anything that is a threat to the economy to be terrorism, and my sharing of this video could be seen as providing material support to these "terrorists".

Let's see who steps down first.

The Ride looks like it's going to get a little bumpy ahead, kids.

Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name.

2011-09-19T17:55:00.000-04:00

Hope the beginning of the week finds you in good spirits, dear friends.

In case you missed the Emmys last night, as I did, then here's what has to be the most interesting highlight of the evening.

From The Stir: Rupert Murdoch Runs the Emmys Just Like He Runs Fox News: Censorship!

As the story goes, Alec Baldwin had filmed a piece for the opening segment of last night's ceremonies in which he light heartedly poked fun at the recent scandal involving Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. illegally hacking into private phones. Since the Emmys were being aired on FOX, just another arm of the many tentacled beast Murdoch has raised through various dark rites and animal sacrifices, it was simple enough for Rupert to pull the plug on the whole bit. It just simply wouldn't do to have FOX broadcasting a piece that didn't absolutely look favorably upon their owner.

In response to the censorship, Alec Baldwin completely pulled his part from the program, despite his nomination for an award. He claimed to have a prior engagement celebrating the birthday of Tony Bennett, but it would appear that the censorship of the program had a lot to do with Baldwin's decision to pull out.

Either way, this would be a public relations shit storm for Murdoch and company if it weren't for one unfortunate fact. The man owns so much of the media, I'm surprised we even heard there was a censorship scandal in the first place. If it weren't for Alec Baldwin's high profile being involved, I doubt we would have heard a peep about all of this.

But take heart, dear psychonauts. This is just another small step towards what I see to be the inevitable unveiling of Murdoch as the tyrannical overlord of the devious race of reptilians hell-bent on the domination of man. As the scandals surrounding the man reach a fever-pitch in the coming months, he will have no choice but to unveil himself and bring the fight into the open, out of the clandestine back alleys of industrial politics and into the streets!

Keep up the good work, Alec Baldwin! That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind! Bring down the beast!!

And to Murdoch, in the highly unlikely event that you're reading this, a piece of advice:

No sympathy for the devil. Keep that in mind. But the ticket, take the ride. - Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

How d'ya do??

2011-09-16T14:26:00.000-04:00

To the fearless Massapequa, NY man that expressed such wanton perversion in an area church yesterday: I Salute You!

From News12 Long Island: Police search for man who exposed himself inside Massapequa church

First, the facts. Around 1:00 PM yesterday afternoon, an African-American gentleman approached an elderly woman in the chapel of the Our Lady of Lords in Massapequa. Apparently the man sat down and proceeded to expose himself to the elderly woman, who screamed in terror at the offending sexual appendage. Summoned by the screams of horror, a worker at the church gave pursuit to the pervert, but thankfully he was able to escape.

Some of you are probably doing a double-take over my choice of the word "thankfully" in that last sentence. Surely I can't mean to express gratitude that such a morally bankrupt individual appears to be escaping justice, can I? The answer is, in fact, yes. Thank the lord this man escaped to the open skies of freedom. And here's why.

If you only clicked the link above to read the brief story, go the extra mile and watch the attached video. In the video comes what has to be the best 60 second parade of sheeple bemoaning the moral collapse of America that I have ever seen. With a space between their eyes fit to drive a Mack truck through, and shock painted on their faces more clearly than a boardwalk caricature, this video is a pure gold mine. Quotes like "I think the evil one is well and live, roaming the Earth", and "Thank God there weren't any kids in there!", these mini-interviews do a great job of showing how completely paralyzed and indignant these God-fearing citizens can become when a flaccid penis is introduced to their hallowed halls.

Ironic, considering that churches have been the number one site for sexual abuse for the last 30-odd years. And no, I have no data to back up that statement, I'm blatantly making this up. But it still feels right.

It is my honest belief that the church by and large needs to evolve out of its era of sexual oppression. These Dark Ages of Genitalia have gone on too long. Of course, it's no foreskin off my hide how they choose to conduct themselves, but maybe if they were a little more open about sex, there wouldn't be so much cause for scandal within their walls. After all, as any child knows, there is no better way to raise the drive for a man to do something than to tell him it is forbidden.

Note: Really only wanted to use this clip for the minute from 1:30 - 2:30. But feel free to enjoy the whole clip.

Enjoy the weekend, my psychonaut companions. Thrust your hand into the forbidden cookie jar of life and grab yourself some flavor.

We'd like to welcome you to Munchkin Land!!

2011-09-15T13:02:00.000-04:00

Get Ready, freaks. You're gonna love this one.

From BuzzFeed.com: The Most Epic Tabloid Headline Of All Time

For those of you too lazy to click that link to investigate, the headline in question reads as follows:

GORDON RAMSAY SEX DWARF EATEN BY BADGER

OK, OK, quit your gut-laughing for a few seconds here, and let's get the facts. First off, the "sex dwarf" in question is not in fact a pint-sized companion of Gordon Ramsay's, as I originally thought upon reading the headline. Sadly, life isn't that good. What we do have, however, is almost as jaw-dropping and bizarre.

Percy Foster, a 3-foot 6 inches UK porn star, was known for his eerie resemblance to Ramsay and as the star of such adult fare as "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Arse We Go." Foster was found dead at the bottom of a 6-foot deep badger set by members of the Ministry of Agriculture in western Wales.

While suicide has not officially been ruled out as a cause of death, Foster was apparently claiming top dollar in the porn industry for his resemblance to Ramsay. Porn star celebrity look-alikes are always in high demand in the pornography industry. Add the diminutive stature of Mr. Foster, and you have smut gold.

Call me a prude, but I have never felt much draw to the niche of dwarf pornography. I much prefer legitimate dwarf cinema, personally. Like The Terror of Tiny Town (1938), an old time western cast entirely by the vertically challenged.

You can't tell me that doesn't make you smile. At least a little bit. Even if it's just on the inside.

If the strangeness of this world doesn't have you bust out laughing on a regular basis, than you're just not paying attention. Enjoy The Ride.

Take a Lesson from The Bard

2011-09-14T18:12:00.000-04:00

It is always the Jester with the most truth in his words.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Dress the Kings and Lords in motley, for they truly are the fools of the land.

15 Days Without Incident!!

2011-09-13T12:43:00.000-04:00

What sort of incident, you ask?

It's been a full 15 days, just a hair over two weeks, since a prominent anti-gay rights politician has been involved in a homosexual scandal! Way to go, conservatives!

How do I know that it has been a whole 15 days? Well, the good people over at disinfo.com led me this morning to what has to be one of the most valuable resources on the internet.

GayHomophobe.com

Yes, thanks to GayHomophobe.com, you too can now track the hypocrisy of the religious right. There surely is a special place in hell reserved for each and every one of these men, who make a living off the persecution and damnation of their own kind!

Of course, all seriousness aside, I can not for one second tell you that this is not one of the funniest lists I have ever seen. There is something undeniably hysterical about the irony of it all.

Enjoy the Ride, kids!

Back The Fuck Up, HAL!

2011-09-12T12:05:00.001-04:00

Happy Monday, freaks!

So, if you're reading this, than it is safe to assume you have survived all the doom and gloom prophecies for the tenth anniversary of 9/11. And for that, I salute you!

In the vein of prophecy, check out this story today from the great news cannon across the pond.

From BBC: Supercomputer predicts revolution

As the story goes, a Kalev Leetaru of the University of Illinois Institute for Computing in the Humanities, Arts and Social Science has unveiled a new software program which he claims was able to predict the hot spots of the Arab Spring, as well as provide a surprisingly narrow search radius for Osama bin Laden before his death. Of course, all of these predictions were handled in hindsight, so one has to wonder how much the facts are being distorted to support the end result here.

Leetaru's program works by assimilating millions of media articles, and then dissecting them into two separate variables: mood, and location. Location is simple enough, as the computer simply takes any locations named in the article and translates them into coordinates to be plotted on a graph. The enumeration of mood is slightly more tricky. Defining mood levels, or "automated sentiment mining", was performed by analyzing the articles for key words, such as "terror", "horrific", or "nice", and then in a flash of computer wizardry, likely involving gremlins with flame-throwers, stamps a mood definition to pair with the location of the article.

Using these information sets, Leetaru was able to produce a graph over time displaying what he claims to be an accurate predictor of the mood of a given location. Indeed, the graph created for Egypt not only shows the fall of Mubarek, but also several other high tension periods in Egypt's recent history. It was able to do the same with Libya, and was also able to predict bin Laden's location within 200km of his lair in Pakistan.

The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and it remains to be seen whether Leetaru's expensive computer magic will be worth its salt when it comes time to predict a revolution that hasn't happened yet. But for those of us who have so little faith in the validity of anything that comes through the pipe-lines of the international media, than it would appear that Mr. Leetaru and his device are already beginning from a losing position.

No more than the rest of us, though.

Besides, I can't be the only person who feels that we might be allowing the computers to do a little bit too much of our thinking these days. Do we really need to take that extra step to have a machine predict when people have been pushed to the point of violent rebellion in the streets? Seems to me a decidedly inhumane response to such a humanitarian problem.

Besides, God Help Us if the machines were to go down.

Do YOU Remember??

2011-09-11T13:53:00.001-04:00

If your internet experience has been anything like mine this morning, than you too have been bombarded with queries demanding if you remember. Do you remember where you were when the first plane hit? Do you remember where you were when Bush declared war on terrorism? Do you remember where you were when Saddam Hussein was hanged in the streets? Or, a much less frequently asked question, do you remember where you were when you first heard a 9/11 conspiracy theory?

It's damn near impossible to escape the knee-jerk sentimentality that poisons the air waves. "Never Forget!", comes the admonishment from millions of bumper stickers and glazed-eyed reporters from coast to coast. Indeed.

Yes, I do remember where I was on September 11th, 2001. I was in my first month of high school, wandering around lost in the hallways in a new town when I heard an uproar coming from a nearby assembly room. What was meant to be a quick peak of investigation turned into me skipping the rest of my classes and staying glued to the television that had been set up to broadcast the news coverage of the attacks. I remember being overcome with a bevy of emotions; from fear to confusion, anger to grief, and all intertwined with an undercurrent of shock and disbelief. I don't think anyone can say that they honestly took the news in stride.

It seems to me that ten years ago today the circus came to town, set up shop, and has since refused to vacate the premises. Cancer-growled carnival barkers sounding more demonic than a Tom Waits album played backwards screaming up a frenzy of fear, war, and death. Whether you subscribe to the party line that a small and determined group of hate-filled Arabs want nothing more than to bring the very roof down upon your head; or the more fringe belief that the terror attacks were in some way orchestrated by the very powers responsible for our safety in order to begin a war fueled by greedy industrial interests, the fact of the matter is there are some frighteningly malevolent entities pulling at some important strings far beyond the vision of the average citizen.

I just think it is time that we as a nation matured beyond the point of commemorating such an historic event with what amounts to a series of Hallmark card quotations. "We will never forget," or "All gave some, but some gave all," and the list goes on. And if I see one more Facebook status update displaying a cute ASCII art American Flag asking to "pass it on if you're a true American," I'm going to be sick.

Maybe it's time we put all of this in the past, where it belongs. I'm not saying we should forget the sacrifices made by Americans on that day, or that we should stop caring about the countless people who lost someone close to them that day. But maybe, just maybe, it is time we stopped letting these memories control our political theater. Maybe it is time that we begin to strive for a better world, rather than spend so much time defending the institutions that have led us to this impasse.

Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace.

Bill Hicks

It's Just A Ride.

What is "Material Support"?

2011-09-10T17:15:00.001-04:00

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

As we gear up for the tenth anniversary of the tragedy of 9/11, there has been no shortage of coverage from every imaginable information source. From CNN to Al-Jazeera, FOX News to Twitter, and everything in between, the deluge of drivel pouring through hyperspace is staggering to say the least. Here's an interesting piece I stumbled across today.

From Salon.com: The criminalization of speech since 9/11

In this article by Justin Elliot, he discusses the impact that blind patriotism has had on the right to free speech in the decade after 9/11. Elliot gives the example of a 24-year old Virginia man who was arrested last week for posting a YouTube video of a propaganda tape from a known Pakistani terrorist organization named Lashkar-e-Taiba, or LeT. Officially, the man who posted the video, Jubair Ahmad, is being charged with providing "Material Support" to an officially designated terrorist group.

The immediate question is, what constitutes "Material Support"? If you had asked me outside of the context of this article, I would have guessed that material support would be supplying money or weapons to a terrorist group, or providing them with safe haven. I certainly wouldn't imagine that something as benign as posting a YouTube video could result in such a dramatic response. Of course, I haven't seen the offending video myself, but it would seem to me that one would be better served pursuing those perpetrating the acts committed on the film rather than those distributing them.

It all comes back to this elusive legal term, "Material Support." Jeremy Elliot provides the following definition in his article:

What does the material-support law say, exactly?

It gives the government the power to designate non-U.S. groups as foreign terrorist organizations based on very broad criteria. That includes whether the group has used or threatened to use a weapon against personal property; whether the group's activities undermine our national defense, foreign relations or economic interests. What is most problematic about the law, though, is "material support" has been interpreted so broadly. It is used regardless of whether the provider has the intent to support terrorism, or whether any specific act of terrorism has taken place or is being planned, and even to include pure speech and advocacy.

Of course, you can see how such a wide definition can easily be interpreted to fit the needs of the controlling political body, as nearly every act of protest, even peaceful acts, can be seen to have an adverse effect on at least one of the described targets; be it national defense, foreign relations, economic interests, or some combination therein.

Now, I'm not arguing that supporting violent terrorist groups by distributing their propaganda should be encouraged. In fact, I find it to be down right tasteless. But setting the precedent for arresting citizens for posting content to public websites like YouTube is a frightening concept. Why not simply take the video down, like they do with so many clips that are guilty of copy-right infringement? Why lock a man in a cage when he has himself committed no act of violence?

Surprisingly enough, this "Material Support" law has been in place since long before 9/11. Back in 1969 the Supreme Court held that First Amendment rights took precedence in such cases regarding the distribution of propaganda, saying that "even advocacy of violence can be criminalized only when it is intended to result in imminent criminal conduct and if it is likely to produce imminent criminal conduct." Yet, with the ever expanding usage of political rhetoric to fit the needs of the governing machine, this definition has been scrapped in favor of one that allows for more government control on free speech. In the Supreme Court case last year of Holder v. Humanitarian Law Project, it was ruled that "the government can in fact criminalize speech, including speech that advocates only lawful activity, in part on the theory that speech might legitimize a terrorist group." How's that for hypocrisy in the land of the free??

So be careful the next time you post a video supporting the acts of fringe groups like Anonymous. Certainly their recent crusade against the Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) authority of San Francisco can be seen as damaging to economic interests by disrupting the traffic of workers on their commute. How long until the caveat of the designated terrorist groups being foreign is discarded, and every group that sets their voice against the government is considered an enemy of the state? Call me misanthropic, but in my eyes this is only a stone's throw away from the stories out of China of peaceful bloggers disappearing in the night. To the FEMA camps with you, peaceful dissenters!

Hope that gave you something to chew on, kids.

Enjoy The Ride.

All thought-crimes will be persecuted to the full extent of the law.

I bet this will make you feel old.

2011-09-09T14:43:00.000-04:00

20 years ago today, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" was commercially released as a single.

Stay tuned throughout the weekend, where I will be giving an in-depth look into another anniversary that is fast approaching. Bet you can't guess what it is...;-)

Keep your fingernails clean, kids. Stay out of trouble.

Vive La France!

2011-09-08T13:34:00.000-04:00

Say what you will about this story, but hell, it's certainly different.

From Life's Great Clues: Alien chip found in the skull of Napoleon Bonaparte

French doctor Andre Dubois, on a grant from the French government, was performing an examination of the exhumed skeleton of general Napoleon Bonaparte in an effort to discover the root of the man's famed short stature. Hoping to see if a pituitary disorder was to blame for Bonaparte's diminutive height, Dubois instead stumbled upon what he claims to be an advanced microchip embedded in Napoleon's skull. A microchip which he claims is extraterrestrial in origin.

Even more interesting, Dubois claimed that the microchip had been implanted in Napoleon at a young age, explaining that the bone of his skull had partially grown around the implant. Apparently, when Napoleon was 25 he was captured and briefly imprisoned during the Themidorian coup in July of 1794. Yet no record of this arrest exists, and the only piece of corroborating evidence is that Napoleon did in fact disappear for several days. Shortly after his return to his troops he began his stellar rise through the ranks. Within a year of his disappearance Napoleon was in charge of all French troops in Italy, and less than a decade after had crowned himself emperor of France, postulating that all of this history occurred at the behest of an invisible alien hand tampering with the course of human development.

Of course, it is more than possible that all of this is just another internet hoax. But for me, personally, this is one legend I'd rather not have debunked. I get too much enjoyment out of the thought that extra terrestrial beings chose a pint-sized war monger as their instrument for causing turmoil across Europe, bent on some convoluted goal that is beyond our understanding. Something about the prospect of a midget general as the unwitting champion of alien forces just makes me giggle inside.

Enjoy the day, kids. It's only getting weirder.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words...

2011-09-07T09:32:00.000-04:00

...or a little jail time, depending on what you're shooting.

From TechDirt.com: Police Say They Can Detain Photographers If Their Photographs Have 'No Apparent Esthetic Value'

Ooh boy...here we go.

So, the police department in Long Beach, CA is causing some waves in the media this week after detaining a tourist for taking pictures of a refinery last month. In defense of their actions, the police laid down some self serving rhetoric about the need to remain vigilant in the face of possible terrorist plots for the defense of the nation. Indeed. Should a police officer come across a shady individual photographing the support structures of a suspension bridge for a lengthy period of time, or perhaps the security measures for a nuclear power plant, odds are you may want to detain the individual for a moment or two.

However, the words used by the department to outline their responsibilities in detaining possible trouble makers are that it is the responsibility of the police to detain an individual who is taking pictures that have "no apparent aesthetic value." Ho-ho! How's that for an open-ended definition??

Now granted, the images taken of the refinery aren't something that I would immediately frame and hang on the wall. But who am I, or any police officer for that matter, to determine the aesthetic value of a photograph? Sure, I may think the picture is ugly as sin, but that doesn't mean the photographer needs to be detained by the police under suspicion of terrorism.

Kinda brings you back to the golden days of the moral battle against pornography. The Supreme Court, in their infinite wisdom, defined pornography as anything that "causes sexual thought, and has no artistic merit." Sounds like an acceptable definition, until you realize that just about every commercial you see on television is, by that definition, blatant pornography and thus not suitable for our children. Hooray for double standards!

Anyway, while the Long Beach police department have admitted that none of their officers have undergone any sort of specific training to ascertain what may be considered as being devoid of aesthetic value, they still will be held responsible for approaching individuals taking "suspicious" pictures, and detaining these people.

So watch where you point those cameras, kids. You might be a terrorist and not even know it! Or even worse, a pornographer!!

BACK in the saddle again!

2011-09-06T20:13:00.000-04:00

What's up freaks??

I'm Back!!

Unfortunately, as the song goes, my brain is just a jellyfish in the ocean of my head. And there is no way I can force myself to provide you loyal readers with something worth reading. Just wanted to shoot something out to let you all know that I will be returning tomorrow in force. The electricity is back on, and moe.down is behind us. No obstacles remain to prevent me from blowing your minds.

So until then, check out this clip from the weekend's festivities. It was one helluva high time.

"And the colored girls go: 'do-doodoo, do-doodoodoo'"

Gonna be a Bright, Bright, Bright and Sun-Shiney Day!!!

2011-08-30T13:37:00.000-04:00

How we doin', freaks? Miss me?

Sorry for the recent absence of posts. Thanks to Hurricane Irene, I have been out of power since pretty much right after my last post. The juice hasn't been turned back on yet, and according to the local power authorities we will be waiting until Friday at the earliest, if not some time next week.

But with that in mind, combined with the fact that I will be leaving for an actual planned absence tomorrow that will go through the weekend, I felt that I absolutely had to get something up here for you kids today. And what better topic to discuss during an extended power outage than alternative energy sources?

From CNN: Budget cuts trigger early end to solar energy credits

In case you ever thought of installing a solar energy system in your home, the time is now. Thanks to wide-spread budget cuts in the face of the current economic crisis, many of the incentives made available to citizens looking into alternative energy are going to end early. A 30% cash rebate from the Treasury will no longer be available at the end of this year, and the 30% tax-credit program from the federal government will be over by 2016. Many of the incentives put in place at the state level will also be coming to an end in short order.

As I have said many times on these pages, my understanding of economics could likely be trumped by a 5th grader (though I'm pretty sure I've still got Jeff Foxworthy beat). I understand that it is important to make necessary budget cuts. But why handicap something that is so essential to our societal evolution? As I can say from personal experience, our dated electric grid needs to go through a serious face lift, and removing our dependance on archaic power plants would be a great step in the right direction. If we really need to make some serious budget cuts, make them where they will make a difference: the military. We're constantly so up in arms about our need to defend ourselves from any and every possible source of attack. But has anyone ever considered that our need for concern over the possibility of attack wouldn't have to be such a prevailing issue if we weren't such assholes all the time?? Or, better yet, how about we stop handing out tax credits to the oil companies that we're all so hopelessly entrenched with. Maybe these industrial scum-fucks should start picking up their portion of the bill for the damage their doing to the planet rather than putting the hurt on the individual that is trying to make a difference.

Stop goose-stepping around the globe pretending to be the world police. If we stopped pushing our noses into everyone else's business all the time, maybe there wouldn't be so many pissed off militants itching to take us down a few pegs.

It all comes down to a simple choice between fear and love, as Bill Hicks so sagely said. Let's try and strive to make the world a better place for the world, rather than just a better place for American investment interests.

And with that said, thanks for tuning in kids. I'll be back next week. Try not to start the revolution without me.

Looks Like Rain...

2011-08-27T21:02:00.000-04:00

Enjoy this storm. Hopefully the power will stay on so you poor folks don't have to suffer an absence of my wisdom.

Buckle up, Bitches. Looks like The Ride is gonna get a little bumpy.

I don't want to go home soon;

2011-08-27T01:51:00.000-04:00

I just want to go home now.

If this doesn't tickle your spine, you don't have a pulse