Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Blood in the Water

Top o' the morning to ye, dear friends!

Ah, how I have missed you. Yes, you. The unwashed sloven fellow with the cereal milk dripping out of your beard at 2 in the afternoon. How have you been, and where have all of the good drugs gone?

Well, here's hoping today's triumphant return to these pages catches you before your seafood luncheon. The Ride is Back, bitches. Hold On.

From The New York Times: Japanese Nuclear Plant May have been Leaking for Two Years

Now, there really is only one appropriate response to an article like this one, and that is to violently spray coffee all over your computer monitor while gargling and sputtering out a choked gut laugh. And then, to sit back and marvel at the collection of sentences that apparently justifiably sit under the heading of "plant MAY have been leaking." Such as an indirect quote from the head of the Japanese Nuclear Regulation Authority which reads "the evidence was overwhelming."

Of course, it is hard to get too upset at these poor fools. The task they are facing is the definition of Herculean. You are talking about shutting off a miniature sun which is burning radioactive death and leaking it into the oceans, a miniature sun who's first ignition was only slowed and tempered by the extreme Catch-22 circumstance of having enough ocean water close at hand to dump hundreds of thousands of gallons on it to try and cool the meltdown, all while knowing that you are dumping hundreds of thousands of gallons of ocean water onto a nuclear site and dumping it BACK out to sea. Bang up start to operations, truly.

Sorry kids, the sad fact of the matter is that these toys do not come with an off switch. Once they're on, they're on for generations. And if you lose control of the beast, you're talking about turning everything for miles into a cancerous wasteland. And while the Japanese are doing everything in their power to stem the flow of leaking radiation into the local groundwater and out to the oceans, the sad truth is they're coming to the table woefully ill-equipped. And if you need any proof to that statement, the defeat conveyed in the last line of this article in describing efforts to contain the leaks is staggering:

We don’t truly know whether that will work, Mr. Tanaka said. Of course, we’d hope to eliminate all leaks, but in this situation, all we can hope for is to minimize the impact on the environment. If you have any better ideas, we’d like to know.

Operators are standing by. Give us a call if you've got any ideas, because we've got no fucking clue on this end.

Three Monkeys Say: Don't call it a come back, bitch

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