Saturday, April 30, 2011

Friday, April 29, 2011

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! FUCKING RUN!!!

Happy Friday all you maniacs!

In the wake of the aftershocks of the Royal Wedding (no, I didn't watch it), I thought I'd take a stab at throwing out a news story that is actually relevant today. Check out this story that put up yesterday morning.

Drones Spray, Track the Unwilling in Air Force Plan

The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Wake up people. The dread fel beast has reared its ugly head and revealed its name. And its name is the American Military Industrial Complex.

Have a cheery weekend, y'all!!!


Thursday, April 28, 2011

It's a nice day for a White Wedding

Can someone please explain to me why the hell I'm supposed to give a fuck about the Royal Wedding? I thought we officially separated ourselves from the British Royal Family centuries ago.

You know, I kind of figured that with the gross economic strife the global population is currently facing, we as a country might have for once finally gotten together and said enough is enough. Enough of being slapped in the face with elitist opulence while we painfully pass thicker and thicker stacks of tear-stained currency through the window at gas stations. Enough of watching our media play lip service to the real issues while veritable armies of cameras bombard the ceremonies.

Not only that, but seriously, why the fuck do we even care about this kid getting married in the first place? Royalty is just the extreme of senseless celebrity. Celebrity is pretty senseless in the first place, but you're talking about some blond-haired fuck who literally did nothing more than crawl out of the Royal Birth Canal, and for his troubles is adored world wide by swaths of cross-eyed imbeciles. At least Kim Kardashian had to work some big black cock to get her face onto billboards. People say she doesn't deserve her celebrity status, but I say she fucking earned it compared to this twat (Fucking earned it! Get it? Ha HA!). I just don't get it.

It's a great day to start again.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"Learn to swim, see you down in Arizona Bay"

Rick Perry, you sly dog.

I had to do a quick double take when I read the recent official decree that came from the desk of Texas Governor, Rick Perry, which I have linked for you here.

That's right! In response to Texas' record drought conditions and devastating wild fires, the Governor of Texas officially declared last weekend as a state-wide period of prayer for rain:
NOW, THEREFORE, I, RICK PERRY, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal way of life.

Really?? I'm sorry, but to me it seems a little desperate to ask an entire state to throw up their hands in frustration and defeat and plead for help from the heavens. Call me crazy, but maybe the state of Texas should be using their resources for something a little more productive then disseminating their fevered hopelessness at the hands of mother nature's scorn.

Well Mr. Perry, I'll do you one better. Fuck just praying for a little hydro-relief. I'm gonna go for the gold. Here's hoping a tidal wave rolls through and wipes your statehouse off the map you philistine.

Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
Certainly hope we will.
Sure could use a vacation from this
Three Ring
Sideshow of

Better learn to swim fuckers. Be careful what you wish for.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"You spin me right round baby, right round."

Morning Freaks

Once again, allow me to apologize for my lackadaisical nature in updating this thing. I wish I had some compelling excuse, but the truth of the matter is I'm just a lazy fuck and it slipped my mind for a few days. My bad.

Anyway, let's get going.

I figure the best way to jump back into this after my brief stint of going AWOL is to dive headfirst into a bright, cheery, crowd pleasing topic: death.

And Vinyly, a company out of England, is offering a hip new way to handle the usually drab affair of what to do with your final earthly remains. Get yourself cremated and pressed into a vinyl for your friends to enjoy for years to come! And Vinyly offers a wide variety of recording options, from a favorite mix to a personal message, to even being able to record your last will and testament on a vinyl created out of your own corpse! Righteous!

Of course, this service isn't just limited to people, you can also go ahead and have the family dog pressed onto an album. Though with a price tag of roughly £3,000, it'd better have been one awesome dog. As far as people go though, compare that rate against the going price on the most modest casket selections, not to mention the additional real estate fees of obtaining a lot in a cemetery, I'd say that getting pressed into a record is a pretty hot plan.

So, loyal readers, when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil and head for the next dimension, remember to ship me to England and get me pressed into a copy of Anthem of the Sun by the Dead. And for all you pranksters thinking it'd be much funnier to press me into Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse, remember, Karma is a real thing. And if I have to spent the rest of eternity with my remains resonating to that shit, or any other bubble-gum pop offering, I will come back an haunt you. Filthy savages.

Fuckin' slay it, Pig. Forever 27.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Squeegee Your Third Eye

Keith Olbermann does a special surprise guest hosting/introduction to the New York City premiere of American: The Bill Hicks Story.

Well, seeing as it's the weekend here, I'd say its a good time to get out and try and find if American is playing in a city near you. The film is doing a limited run in major metropolitan areas across the states, and a listing of such cities can be found here at And if you happen to live somewhere remote enough to not have ready access to one of the screening theaters, you can also find links on the website that will explain any details regarding getting the movie On-Demand.

Happy Friday freaks, get out there and kick that weekend square in the nuts.

Much love.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Freddy Lockhart is the man.

Check out this clip of Freddy Lockhart laying down some fire impressions from my favorite podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience

Fucking brilliant. That Morgan Freeman is just plain eerie. And hilarious.

Have a great day freaks.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Happy Holidaze

You know what's up. Happy Holidaze bitches, enjoy it!

It's Recreational!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

"I've got a bike, you can ride it if you like..."

"'s got a basket and a bell that rings and things that make it look good!"

Happy Bicycle Day you Freaks and Freakettes!

That's right ladies and gentleman. Today marks the anniversary of the history day 68 years ago where Albert Hofmann ingested approximated 250 micrograms of pure LSD-25 and rode his bike home. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Hofmann's legendary first recreational usage of LSD has sent cultural reverberations down through the generations, directly influencing the psychedelic movement in California in the 60s that so very nearly shattered the foundations of our capitalist and political systems in this country. Hofmann's discovery in a large way has helped to push the American public away from the alcohol influenced dominator culture in favor of a resurgence and embrace of the old tenements of a psychedelic society.

As the story goes, when Hofmann first discovered LSD by mistake, a minuscule amount got on his finger in the laboratory. Curious at its effects, on 04/19/1943 Hofmann decided to ingest what he surmised to be the threshold dose of 250 micrograms. In actuality, the threshold dose is closer to 20 micrograms, meaning Hofmann imbibed roughly 12.5 times the required dose to blast off. And then, under the supervision of his lab assistant, he rode his bike home that day.

Sweet Jesus! Can you imagine how intense that must have been?! Consuming such an infinitesimally small amount of a substance with no real idea as to its effects, to be met head-on with such a crushing and world obliterating experience. Understandably so, at the outset of the trip Hofmann fully believed he was losing his mind. He began to become frantic and unstable, until a doctor was called to check on him. The doctor concluded that, excepting a set of abnormally dilated pupils, Hofmann was perfectly healthy and sound. Upon being reassured by the doctor, Hofmann's anxieties began to dissipate and he began to actually enjoy the experience.

"... little by little I could begin to enjoy the unprecedented colors and plays of shapes that persisted behind my closed eyes. Kaleidoscopic, fantastic images surged in on me, alternating, variegated, opening and then closing themselves in circles and spirals, exploding in colored fountains, rearranging and hybridizing themselves in constant flux ..."

Ain't that some shit?

So here's hoping you all have a chance to get out of your offices today and celebrate the holidaze properly. Hell, weather permitting, why don't you ride your bike home tonight?

I'd give you mine if I could, but I borrowed it ;-)

Monday, April 18, 2011

It's a Celebration!!


Officially hit 1,000 page views today. Thank you, everyone!

Let's get this party started!!

It's Obama-bamaaaa

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Alcohol And The Feminine

Sorry about missing yesterday. Been busy.

Check out this passage from a book I'm reading, Terence McKenna's Food of the Gods

Alcohol and the Feminine

The suppression of the feminine has been associated with the use of alcohol since very early times. One manifestation was the restriction of alcohol use to men. According to Lewin, women in ancient Rome were not allowed to drink wine.

When Egnatius Mecenius's wife drank wine from a barrel, he beat her to death. He was later acquitted. Pompilu Faunus had his wife whipped to death because she had drunk his wine. And yet another Roman woman of the gentry was condemned to die of hunger merely because she had opened the cupboard wherein were kept the keys to the wine cellar

Dominator style hatred of women, general sexual ambivalence and anxiety, and alcohol culture conspired to create the peculiarly neurotic approach to sexuality that characterizes European civilization. Gone are the boundary-dissolving hallucinogenic orgies that diminished the ego of the individual and reasserted the values of the extended family and the tribe.

The dominator response to the need to release sexual tension in an ambience of alcohol is the dance hall, the bordello, and the institutionalized expansion of the new underclass--that of the "fallen woman." The prostitute is a convenience for the dominator style, with its fear and disgust of women; alcohol and its social institutions create the social space in which this fascination and disgust can be acted out without responsibility.

This is a difficult subject to address. Alcohol is used by millions of people, both men and women, and I will make no friends by taking the position that alcohol culture is not politically correct. Yet how can we explain the legal toleration for alcohol, the most destructive of all intoxicants, and the almost frenzied efforts to repress nearly all other drugs? Could it not be that we are willing to pay the terrible toll that alcohol extracts because it is allowing us to continue the repressive dominator style that keeps us all infantile and irresponsible participants in a dominator world characterized by the marketing of ungratified sexual fantasy?

I don't really have some all encompassing point in posting this. I just think it's a damn fascinating read.

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend. Back to the sprocket factory.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Surprise, Surprise!

Happy Friday, dear friends!

I'm going to try and make today's update a brief one. And for once, that sentence doesn't mean that I'm going to work a magic turn of the wrist and splatter another music video up against the glass of your monitor. No, I do honestly have something of interest to share. *insert overly dramatic gasp here*

Now, this is a subject that has always been close to my heart, as it is a section of our society that every child is forced to deal with, and is progressively being revealed to be the ineffectual nightmare that nearly every kid realizes it to be. Standardized Testing.

Check out this article from The Minneapolis CityPages titled Inside the multimillion-dollar essay-scoring business.

OK. Now. It hasn't been all that long since I graduated from High School and forever turned my back on piles of Scantron sheets fit to make your eyes bleed. And I know for a fact there have been some pretty serious changes to the formatting of some serious standardized tests since back in my day. For example, when I took the SATs back in...2004 I guess it was...there was no such thing as a writing section. I'm sure that most of you are reading this now going, "What fucking writing section?!", which is a completely fair response. The only reason I know about it is that I was right on the threshold of the change. Had I not landed the score I did on my first try through, any retake I looked into to boost my score would have required that I complete the new writing section of the exam, completely changing the entire scoring rubric from the standard 1600 possible points to the now used 2400.

Now, for those of you whose eyes didn't widen at the announcement of the induction of the writing section, it's probably because you're of an age where the regulations behind these lauded Standards have little to no effect on you anymore. But this crap will effect you regardless of your age, thanks to No Child Left Behind. The scores the children in your area are receiving on these exams are directly linked to the level of federal compensation the schools in your district are handed.

Now, here's where the details of that article get scary. In case you didn't read the thing (and it's a long one, I won't hold it against you if you said "Fuck it" this time around), it's a long collection of testimonials from former employees of the primary organizations that are responsible for grading the miles upon miles of paper trails that result of these forced essay tests. Logistically, one can easily imagine the nightmare that would be cranking through an essay for every child in America and turning around with a grade in a reasonable period of time, but the practices outlined in this article are simply atrocious.

The very idea of supervisors walking into sweat-shop factories of essay grading terminals and telling their vast army of temps that they need to start giving out more of the top scores because they need to start fleshing out the bell curve of results is just mind boggling. I can understand that it would be difficult to maintain a constant level of critique as you scan through upwards of 200 essays a day, it's fucking impossible and no one is going to hold that against you. But the idea of just tossing out extra points here and there so the overall grades more closely match the curve of a parabola is fucking nuts.

And as I said before, the results that your school district is pulling in on these standardized tests directly correlate to the likelihood of receiving enough federal funding. We're talking about windowless buildings in middle America arbitrarily tossing around scores that have an honest and tangible effect on not only the futures of individual students, but the future of an entire town or county.

What really upsets me here though is that I've finally found written recognition of the fact that the grading of our childrens' testing is handled by an organization for profit. Shouldn't be so shocking in a country where we've privatized the prison system. I mean if you can make money off of incarcerated citizens, why not make money off flicking a pencil across a student's test paper. Doesn't matter if you scratch out an F or an A, as long as you make that pencil drag across the paper and make the client happy. We're talking an estimated 2.5 billion dollar a year industry here. For grading tests. What the hell??

OK, sorry, said I was going to try and keep this one short, and to be perfectly honest I've lost my desire to drag myself through the mud anymore on this one. So I'm cutting it here. Show's over. But in all seriousness, please, do yourself a favor and read that article and educate yourself on education a little. I don't care if you have kids or not, if you're in school or not, this is the kind of shit that effects every single person in this country, whether you want to admit it or not. And from where I'm sitting, it looks pretty ugly.

Now get the fuck out of here and enjoy the weekend, you freaks.

Well, we've got no class!! And we've got no principles!!!

And we've got no innocence!! We can't even think of a word that rhymes!!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads

If you're planning on making any trips to China any time soon (not that I would recommend it with all the artists, bloggers and activists mysteriously disappearing as of late), make sure you leave your Delorian at home.

China Bans Time-Travel in Television

In what has to be one of the oddest news stories I've ever had the privilege of reading, CNN is reporting that the Chinese State Administration of Radio Film and Television recently rolled out a new set of guidelines directing the entertainment sector to steer clear of the topic of time travel. Now, temporal exploration isn't the only fantastical genre getting the axe, the article also states that any production involving "fantasy, time-travel, random compilations of mythical stories, bizarre plots, absurd techniques, even propagating feudal superstitions, fatalism and reincarnation, ambiguous moral lessons, and a lack of positive thinking" are socially unacceptable as they go against Chinese heritage.

To quote one of my favorite air-guitar shredding time-travelers, "...whoa."

To me, this is just a perfect example of culture shock. As much as I bitch and moan and rail against corruption in America, I still thank my lucky stars that I hail from a land where a story like this seems more outlandish than the fiction it is fighting to suppress. I just can't even imagine what the hell the Chinese government hopes to accomplish by enforcing such an absurd regulation.

Now, the article doesn't go into any detail on how they plan on enforcing this new regulation, or what the proposed punishment for disobedience might be, but given the current political climate and the widespread mysterious disappearances of "political dissenters", I'd be pretty nervous about airing old re-runs of Quantum Leap right now.

I think I've found the truth behind all this madness however. They're just looking for away to keep Bill and Ted off the television sets there so they don't have to work extra hard hiding the fact that the Mongols once ruled China.

Strange things indeed, Mr. Logan. Strange things indeed.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Arm the DeathRay!!

First, allow me to open with an apology. I ducked out of town last week in pursuit of warmer climates and beach-ready women, and I'm still picking up the pieces. In the words of Hunter Thompson, "The hallucinations have finally stopped, thank God," yet still it has taken several days of recuperation to feel prepared enough to organize some thoughts here. I'm sure these last few days have been torture without my sunny discourse.

And on that note, on to the meat of this thing!

Arm the DeathRay!!!

That's right boys and girls, the US Navy has officially announced the successful testing of a sea vessel mounted HEL (High Energy Laser), which they were able to use to destroy another craft on the water. The future is at hand! We're just a few short months from realizing Dr. Evil's dream of having sharks with freaking laser beams attached to their heads!!

According to the report from the Naval Research Offices, this test marks the first time that an energy beam weapon has ever been fired from a ship, using a power supply from that ship, and used to destroy a target on the high seas. Now, in all seriousness, this report scares the fuck out of me. As we all know, to say that the US military is tight-fisted when doling out information is a gross understatement. Excuse me if I remain skeptical that this is in any way new technology.

Every piece of technology that gets sifted down to the public, from computers to cell phones, has always started as a military project that then gets "Trickled Down" to the open population once the technology becomes obsolete. Very similar in fact to the idea of "Trickle Down" economics which we seem to love so much in this country. And we all know how well that works out. 99% of wealth controlled by a top 1% of the population, or in this case, 99% of the technology controlled by a mass of war mongering fundamentalist Christians. I don't know about you, but I certainly get a warm fuzzy feeling at the thought of it.

So quake and tremble at the might that is the American Military Machine. And then open your eyes and realize that you don't have a single fucking clue what these animals are really capable of. If they're telling you that they have the ability to blow up a ship at sea with a concentrated beam of pure energy, then the undertones implying their actual capabilities are staggering.

Just remember. It is of paramount importance that we don't let those red bastards see the big board!

Let's just hope these hopped up crank-heads keep civility to the point of preventing fighting in the war room.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Sunday, April 3, 2011

No One is Smarter Than You Are

Bet y'all thought I forgot about you, didn't ya?

Not today, my friends! I will however have to keep today's post brief. Much last minute packing to be done before moe.cation begins.

But enough of that. Today, my post is dedicated to the memory of one of the most forward and ahead-of-his-time thinkers in recent memory.

Terence McKenna: 1946 - 2000

Yes, sadly today marks the 11th anniversary of the loss of ethnobotanist, activist, Psychonaut and all around great human being, Terence McKenna. McKenna, known for his wild philosophical theories, brought some startling ideas to the forefront of the national consciousness. If you've never heard of his Stoned Ape theory, I suggest you look into it. Remarkably fresh and cutting edge stuff.

Beyond his academic work, McKenna was also known for his mild mannered speech when addressing crowds. I've provided a clip below of a compilation of some of McKenna's thoughts.

Deranged psychotic? Or New Age Prophet? I'll let you decide.

For me, I believe the world is a better place thanks to the influence of Terence. Au revoir, dear Speaker of Truth, you are missed.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Breaking News!

Mel Gibson sets world record for most masturbation in a single 24 hour period!

First, a shout out to Jay for sending this one my way.

That's right ladies and gentleman, the great and venerated Mel Gibson has set the world record for the most orgasms in 24 hours, weighing in at a staggering 36. This crushes the former record, a measly 27, which was achieved by a German student.

The article describes the setup Gibson used to achieve this masturbatory feat, which involved three separate screens constantly streaming a wide variety of pornographic material throughout the day. Rumor has it that Gibson actually achieved 12 orgasms, a full third of his record, while all three screens ran clips of The Passion of the Christ. Mentally and physically exhausted from the jerk-a-thon, Gibson had to take several cat-naps throughout the day to keep his stamina up to take the gold.

Mr. Gibson, I salute you!

Happy April Fools Day you silly Psychonauts!
Carpe Diem
Seize the Carp!