Tuesday, January 24, 2012


Go get some.

Three Monkeys Say: You should've talked more with the Monkey. He's always willing to negotiate

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sister Hazel Jones

Happy Monday, freaks.

From The Daily Mail: Woman with two vaginas rejects $1million offer to make adult film

Uterus Didelphys. A condition characterized by the presence of a second womb and cervix.

After appearing on TV last week to talk about her incredible condition, Hazel Jones is fending off advances from various interests in the adult film industry looking to make her the next big porno-star. Offers have already come from famed Vivid entertainment, promising one million dollars, plus travel and accomadations, for Ms Jones to appear in one of their films. You can understand the draw - just imagine the possibilities having a second vagina opens for the real of adult film!!

Oddly enough though, Jones has said she will never accept any offer to star in an adult film, regardless of the price tag. I find this to be more than a little curious, as the woman seemed to have no problem going on television to talk about her condition. Why come out to the world in such a public fashion, and then squelch at the big money shot (pun intended). Indeed, I find it very strange that Ms Jones would so willingly go on to a televised program to discuss her rare condition, and then answer these grandiose offers with a curt "I just want to be left alone". Yeah, cause nothing spells "I want to be left alone" like going on TV talk shows.

On a quick side note, the tiny details provided by this article are positively delightful. Like the fact that Ms Jones has no problem showing curious women her dual-snatch at cocktail parties, as she finds the condition to be a great ice-breaker. Or the fact that she turned down surgery to fix her ailment due to the possible side-effect of long term scarring - apparently two neat vaginas are sexier than one overly scarred one. And finally, Jones was completely unaware of her condition until a long-term boyfriend informed her that she was different from other girls in the genital area, prompting her to see a doctor. Honestly, how did this girl make it through sexual education without figuring out something was woefully out of place between her legs?

I'll tell you one thing for damn sure, though.

Three Monkeys Say: Her vulva is one of Barbara Walters' Most Fascinating People

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Boys in Baby Blue

Howdy, freaks.

From The Guardian: Undercover police had children with activists

Information regarding some of the seedier realities of long-term police surveillance are now being released, specifically the tactic of police spies fostering intimate relationships with women involved in political activism.

Two police officers from England are now under fire for fathering children with women in the name of cultivating a believable persona in infiltrating political activist groups. The article from The Guardian does not go into specifics regarding what activist groups these men were involved in, but they must have been pretty nefarious. The article does however paint a pretty picture of police spies who had no involvement in the lives of the children that were created, even indirectly, at the will of the state.

Comments from various police chiefs assert that this behavior is not encouraged in their departments, but the fact remains that these children exist. It's a little bit like police departments requiring officers to meet unreasonable arrest quotas in their departments, and then throwing them under the bus when the same departments are involved in planting evidence. The department may not have encouraged these men to father children in order to secure their secretive positions, but someone obviously instilled in these officers a feeling that it would be preferable to father a bastard than to fail in their espionage mission.

The article goes on to lightly explain a history of these activities stretching back to the mid-80s, with at least 8 women coming forward with charges of immoral behavior being laid against the police. And as the article hints, as the news of this story begins to snowball and gain steam we will surely see more women come out with similar claims.

So much for the police standing as a shining beacon of morality, huh?

Three Monkeys Say:
You who've never done nothing but build to destroy
You play with the world like its your little toy

Friday, January 20, 2012

Where's that damn bottle of Chianti??

From MSNBC.com: Math formula may explain why serial killers kill

OK seriously. Where are the funds coming from for these studies?

A group of scientists believe they have successfully matched the murder pattern of a famous Russian serial killer to the same formulas that help to predict earthquakes, stock market crashes, and epileptic seizures. Of course, I was utterly unaware that there was already a formula in place for predicting these "impossible to predict" events, so that's news to me too.

Now, the article gives a bunch of mathematical quasi-scientific mumbo-jumbo to explain their findings. And my gut reaction is to say it's all a load of shit. But then again, I've been wrong before. The interesting piece to me is the apparent lack of data supporting their claims. Sure, they've mapped out this one specific serial killer from Russia, but I don't see much data on Bundy, Gacy, or any of the other heavy-weight serial killers.

What is interesting is the effect this study could have on the judicial system's handling of serial killers. After all, if it can be scientifically proven that a killing spree is as natural an event as an avalanche, than how can we possibly punish someone for an offense that is so obviously out of their control?

Three Monkeys Say: Gotta say, really helps to add a little levity to the whole affair.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Goodness Gracious

Great balls of...concrete??

From TheJarkartaPost.com: PT KAI to use concrete balls to scare passengers off train roofs

Well, isn't this fascinating.

In a bid to take a bite out of the never ending conflict between rail companies and the freeloaders that steal the service, PT KAI is looking to take an interestingly new approach to the problem.

The railway firm will be installing large concrete balls, called Goal Bola-bolas, or "Goal Ball", which are to be hung from a goal post like apparatus by chains to the precise height of the on-coming train. The goal here is to make it impossible for freeloaders and hobos to ride on the tops of these trains for free without being pulverized by this Indiana Jones-esque defense system.

This new method of approach is being tested after the admitted failure of using personnel to carry out raids of the train roofs. In a delightfully Orwellian comment from the spokesman for PT KAI, manager Akhmad Suyadi said the goal balls were "intended to provide safety and comfort to passengers and not to cause harm".

Now of course, all of this is happening in Indonesia, on the other side of the world. But I don't see it taking too much longer before these systems get installed on commuter rails all over the world.

Three Monkeys Say: The Hooligans are loose! The Hooligans are loose!!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Makes me kinda glad I don't work in the service industry anymore. Then again, if the man in the following story had been me, you'd best believe I'd be cleaning up after this one. Party time - litigation style.

From RT.com: Millionaire CEO breaks waiter's finger for "bad service"

John Castle is finding himself in a little hot water after a recent altercation at a swanky Florida dining establishment went violent. Castle, millionaire CEO and member of the high-class Club Colette, became enraged when his waiter broke restaurant protocol and dropped the check on his customer's table.

Apparently patrons at Club Colette all have a running tab with the house, so as to not be embarrassed by everyday troubles like arguing over the bill at a table. Castle, so enraged by the staff's lack of decorum in this regard, grabbed his server's hand and began "squeezing and twisting" his fingers. While the employee complained to management regarding his customer's behavior, the report was shrugged off and largely ignored.

That is of course until the pain persisted and the waiter, 57 year-old Paul Kucick, went to the hospital and discovered that Castle had broken one of his fingers. Ca-Ching!! Jackpot, baby!

Now, traditionally I don't support the overly-litigious knee jerk reactions that have become so commonplace in this country. But in this case, fuck this asshole. Nail him to the wall, and hit him where it hurts.

Maybe someone should have shown Mr. Kucick this training video.

Three Monkeys Say: What a crock of shit!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Holy Cracker Barrel! I'm Missing the Marathon!!!

Morning Kids.

Oh, how I've been waiting for this day. Martin Luther King Day. I have a dream, and it's here at last.

You see, as most of you probably don't know, I have a little personal tradition of sharing a specific internet video every year on Martin Luther King Day. And seeing as I started this here blog in February of last year, I have not yet had the opportunity to share the clip with you, my loyal and rabid readership. So, without further ado, allow me to latitude the completion, Hoover-bitches!

Three Monkeys Say: Martin Luther Kang Junior was a boss pimp. Thus, every year on his birthday, they play marathons of Sanford & Son on TV!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Afternoon, kids.

It's Sunday. Kick it. Relaxation mode - full swing.

Three Monkeys Say: God DAMN that boy can wail!!

Humanity Astounds Me

Evening folks. Fear not. I haven't forgotten about you. And trust me, dear friends, today's post will be worth the wait.

From BuzzFeed.com: Items That Got Stuck Inside People Last Year

Now, I know how much we all love those little year end "Best of 20__" lists. But this one here tops the charts. Next time you go on a bender and wake up thinking you'll never drink again, just take comfort in knowing that no matter how wrecked you got, you didn't pull a stunt like one of these. Unless of course you are one of the people discussed in this collage, in which case I salute you. Way to push the envelope.

What this list from BuzzFeed describes is a broken down and organized compilation of the most popular foreign objects that had become lodged in various body cavities and thus had to be removed by medical professionals in 2011, separated by the orifice they became stuck in. Among the list of top offenders you'll find things like a strawberry getting stuck in someone's ear, dry ice getting caught in the throat, and even a glass vial of cocaine which became lodged in some unlucky woman's vaginal canal. Sweet Jesus. The list even has an entire list of items, from pen caps to paper clips, that had to be dislodged from the male urethra. That's right, kids! Penile penetration! So the next time you go on thinking you're some wild mother fucker, take a good second to really think about how far you're willing to go for your kicks.

Of course, as most of you degenerates probably expected, the list of objects that became stuck in people's rectums is by far the longest represented. Ranging from a golf ball to a, and I'm following BuzzFeed's description here, "Baby Bottle Used in Kinky Sex", the list goes from silly to staggering. Though on a personal note, I found the separate listings for various dildos to be a tad redundant. There's really no need to specify whether the toy vibrated or not, or whether it was made of glass, plastic, or rubber. Pretty sure we all just need to become very aware of the dangers of playing too rough.

Now, for those of you curious about how such a thing might happen, I imagine it might go a little something like this.

Three Monkeys Say: Thank you, Mr. Smith, for that delightful illustration.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday the 13th

Happy Friday Freaks and Freakettes.

And what a special Friday it is! The 13th of the month! That ever so delightfully superstitious day where people avoid black cats, refuse to walk under ladders, and generally go about their day's business with a horse shoe placed firmly in their rectal cavity.

Now, I bet you were all expecting me to come out with some great post explaining the history of Friday the 13th and why western culture seems to be so obsessed with it. Well, Fuck You! Do the research yourself. I'm not here to deliver everything on a silver platter, damnit.

But I will deliver some crunchy grooves for ya. After all, I don't want you feeling like I've completely wasted your time. Enjoy.

Three Monkeys Say: Expectation is taking its toll.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Cycle Begins Anew

Spiral out.
Keep going.

From TreeHugger.com: Monkeys Devise a Tool to Break Out of Zoo in Brazil

Early Tuesday morning a group of eight capuchin monkeys made a daring escape from a Brazilian Zoo, in which the leader of their little coterie used a small stone tool to break the lock on the monkey pen and make a mad dash for freedom. At the time of the writing of the linked article, half of the group had been recovered, including the eldest capuchin CearĂ¡, who zookeepers believe to be the mastermind of the operation.

According to Zoo coordinator Gladis Dalamina, this isn't the first time the monkeys have tried to make a bid for freedom, though this is the first time they have illustrated such complex problem solving skills. Monkeys using tools in the wild, like cracking hard nuts with stones, is not a totally uncommon occurance. But what CearĂ¡ and his friends did, using a stone to break and remove the wholly unnatural human device of a lock on a cage, is unprecedented.

Admittedly, the TreeHugger article gets a little sentimental for my taste, understandably so considering the source of the article. But none-the-less, this is an absolutely wild fucking story. Planet of the Apes style.

Get Ready.

It Has Begun.

Three Monkeys Say: Not on my watch, mother fucker!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It'll Tickle Your Innards!!

Ahh, finally. Someone taking a shot at one of those lazy lay-abouts that just wants to make up lawsuits. And by "Someone" I mean Pepsi-Co. Is using "someone" appropriate in this instance, seeing as the Pepsi-Co. is a person?

From TheSmokingGun.com: Mountain Dew Will Dissolve Rats On Contact

An Illinois man is suing Pepsi-Co. for damages associated with supposedly finding a dead mouse in his can of the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew. And Pepsi-Co is fighting back. With science.

Apparently the lawyers representing Pepsi have just submitted an affidavit to the court from a veterinarian who makes some interesting claims. According to Lawrence McGill, due to the acidic nature of the beverage, after a period of 4 to 7 days the mouse (or any other small rodent, for that matter) would essentially liquify, with the soda removing all the calcium from the critters "bones and boney structures". After thirty days of submersion, the mouse would be rendered to nothing more than a gooey, jellied substance. As McGill put it, the only part of the mouse that could possibly be recognizable would be a portion of its tail.

Seeing as the plaintiff in this case opened his can of Mountain Dew 74 days after bottling, then according to Pepsi-Co's expert witness there is no way he could have pulled a mouse out of the can. More likely, the rodent would look like something out of the closing scene of Altered States.

You gotta wonder how much time the Pepsi legal department spent on weighing the numbers of the cost of a settlement, versus openly asserting that their soda can dissolve flesh and bone. Apparently they will lose less money letting this information out into the public than they would just paying the Illinois guy off for his silence. Which I find to be utterly mortifying.

Three Monkeys Say: Mt. Dew will tickle your innards, 'cause there's a bang in every bottle!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Patriot Games

Howdy, freaks!

Here's one for you button-mashing animals that like to get their pixelated kicks by battling terrorists from the comfort of their couch. Defending your country from all threats, foreign and domestic.

From NaturalNews.com: New Clancy 'Rainbow Six' vid game labels OWS protesters as the new domestic terror threat

Sounds like a winner to me.

As the story goes, the popular Rainbow 6 video game series, based off Tom Clancy's best-selling novels, will place the focus of its next installment on battling a domestic terrorist group calling themselves True Patriots, who appear to be a much more militant minded group with the same basic ideals of the OccupyWallStreet protests. While the real protests are languishing in their drawn death rattle, the machine they sought to bring down is scraping up the greenbacks off their corpse in any way they can. Video game producers UBISOFT will not be releasing this game until some time in 2013, so likely by that point most of America will have completely forgotten the events of the fall of 2011 that lead to the inspiration for this concept.

I have to say, the trailer they released for this game looks pretty bad-ass. It might just be the fact that I can't help but find myself a little aroused when I see a banker take the butt of an automatic weapon to the jaw, but I really want to play this game. Check it out.

See, my only thing here is I don't much care for the article's comparison of the fictional True Patriots to the OWS people. Sure, some of their apparent stated goals are similar. But they're also resoundingly close to the manifestos released by some of the Montana Militia out in the mid-west that are stockpiling arms and waiting anxiously for the day they can stand up and take their country back by force. Why drop the easy comparison to the highly publicized OWS protests when it doesn't take much digging to compare the extremists in the game to some frighteningly real organizations with much more similar violent backgrounds? Seems to me to be hitting a bit below the belt to try and demonize a peaceful organization when there are so many wing-nuts sitting in basement bomb shelters counting ammunition as I type this.

Three Monkeys Say: Wonder if you have the option to play as the terrorists??

Monday, January 9, 2012

Up in Smoke

It's early in the morning
'bout a quarter to three
I'm sitting here talking to my baby
Over cigarettes and coffee

Ah, Otis Redding. Really speaks to the soul. Unless, that is, you want to hold a job with the new order of organizations now refusing to employ smokers.

From USAToday.com: Workplaces ban not only smoking, but smokers themselves

As smokers are corralled out of parks, bars, stadiums, theaters, and virtually any public place imaginable into back alleys (provided they are at least 10 feet from the entrance of any establishment), the groaning lament of tobacco enthusiasts is eclipsed only by the clamoring of still more regulations to be put in place.

And that is exactly what is happening with the new practices that are starting to be used in the health care sector in regards to hiring their employees. Deciding that forbidding smoking while on the clock is no longer enough, several hospitals have declared that any employee who tests positive for nicotine in a urine test will not be eligible for employment. While popular among hospitals, these regulations are also finding homes in other fields. The new Hollywood Casino in Toledo, OH will be enforcing a no-smoker hiring policy when it opens this year, and the Alaskan Air Lines corporation has had such a policy in place for a decade and a half.

As the line goes, the new-found popularity of these bans of smoking employees is not an attack on workers liberty, but an attempt to curb the negative effects of long-term smoking. The article quotes the CDC as saying that "each year, smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke causes 443,000 premature deaths and costs the nation $193 billion in health bills and lost productivity".

Right. I have no idea how one calculates "lost productivity", but I am certain it's a rigorous and scientific process.

In defense of the regulations, Marcy Marshall of the Geisinger Health System in Danville, Pa has said "We're trying to promote a complete culture of wellness. We're not denying smokers their right to tobacco products. We're just choosing not to hire them." Fair enough. I suppose that is your prerogative as an employer. However, like nearly every other recommendation that receives attention in the political arena, the ban on employing smokers is a slippery slope to friendly fascism.

After all, if the concerns here are for lowering the cost of health insurance for employers, then how long before the morbidly obese are refused employment based on the same grounds? Or maybe the overly-caffeinated? Someone in the comments section of the article makes the point that she already works for an employer who refuses to hire women who have children, as he refuses to cover the additional time off many parents require to care for their children. Sounds a little cold-hearted, doesn't it?

Why jump straight to the option of barring employment to smokers, though? Why not instead add an extra deduction from their paycheck to cover the costs of smoking, if that is indeed what your adult employee chooses to do? It's the same opinion I have with state-sanctioned bans on smoking in privately owned establishments. Why not give a bar owner the option to choose if they would like to allow smoking or not in their place of business? Seems to me like a few too many choices are being made for us in this land of the free.

Three Monkeys Say: It should be illegal to listen to this song without a lit cigarette!!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I've Finally Found A Candidate I Can Believe In

I'm back. Happy 2012. Let's do this.

As we gear up for the madness that is the Presidential electoral cycle, I can happily say that a man has thrown his hat into the ring that we as Americans can gleefully stand behind and support. And his name is Vermin Supreme.

Check out this video of Mr. Supreme at the Lesser-Known Democratic Candidates Presidential Forum. You can't miss him. He's the dude with the wizard beard and the giant rubber boot on his head.

It's just so beautiful. God bless this man. And seriously, how awesome would it be to have an executive leader on the books named President Supreme? Seems to me the only logical step to ensure we survive the coming years.

Three Monkeys Say: Forget the Phony, Vote for the Pony!!