Thursday, September 19, 2013


Heya Kids!

In the bleary-eyed wake of the release of Grand Theft Auto 5, rather than allow myself to drift off into a drooling brain-dead state of zombification from too many hours of high-velocity police chases through the streets of Los Santos, I have decided to make an effort to revive these pages. Keep my brain moving. Help to make myself feel a little better about the countless hours I'm sure to be wasting in the coming weeks and months in the pixelated gangster's paradise from the great people at Rockstar North.

So, I'm back bitches. Let's see how long The Ride lasts this time 'round.

And in the vein of new beginnings, of fresh outlooks, of silver linings - here is a delightful rag from the pages of The New York Times

Pope Bluntly Faults Church’s Focus on Gays and Abortion

Hot damn, how's that for refreshing?

In the first lengthy interview of his papacy, Pope Francis has expressed some very interesting opinions - though to be fair, they are only fresh and engaging when considering the source. In an effort to stage a departure from the church's history of moral discrimination and indoctrination, Pope Francis has taken a stance regarding acceptance and love for your fellow man that can only be described as...well, Christian. What a novel concept!

In a move that has caused waves of discontent to ripple through the lower offices of the church hierarchy, Francis has abandoned the hateful and discriminatory rhetoric that has been the root of centuries of subjugation and violence from the hands of the church in favor of a paradigm that, if you read The Book, much more closely follows the teachings of every hooker's best friend - Jesus Christ.

In a very progressive move for the head office of the Catholic Church, Francis was quoted as saying the following:
It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time...The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently.

We have to find a new balance

Of course, as we all know, there is no time quite like the beginning of one's tenure in office to make outlandish claims that you have no intention of delivering on - just look at El Presidente. But still, I retain a spattering of naive hope for this. With attendance crashing and members of the flock fleeing the church in droves that can only compare to the locusts of Egypt, Francis is right about one thing - a new balance must be found if the Catholic Church is to have any hope of lasting another century - let alone another millenia. And while I know many would like to see the institution torn apart, brick by blood-soaked brick, I must admit it would be nice to see an abandonment of all the hypocrisy from an organization that professes to be founded on love and universal acceptance.

But with all things, only time will tell - eh, friends?

And with that long-winded ramble about nothing, here's a little something to bring a chuckle your way:

Three Monkeys Say: Critical thinking, kids. It's your friend

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Blood in the Water

Top o' the morning to ye, dear friends!

Ah, how I have missed you. Yes, you. The unwashed sloven fellow with the cereal milk dripping out of your beard at 2 in the afternoon. How have you been, and where have all of the good drugs gone?

Well, here's hoping today's triumphant return to these pages catches you before your seafood luncheon. The Ride is Back, bitches. Hold On.

From The New York Times: Japanese Nuclear Plant May have been Leaking for Two Years

Now, there really is only one appropriate response to an article like this one, and that is to violently spray coffee all over your computer monitor while gargling and sputtering out a choked gut laugh. And then, to sit back and marvel at the collection of sentences that apparently justifiably sit under the heading of "plant MAY have been leaking." Such as an indirect quote from the head of the Japanese Nuclear Regulation Authority which reads "the evidence was overwhelming."

Of course, it is hard to get too upset at these poor fools. The task they are facing is the definition of Herculean. You are talking about shutting off a miniature sun which is burning radioactive death and leaking it into the oceans, a miniature sun who's first ignition was only slowed and tempered by the extreme Catch-22 circumstance of having enough ocean water close at hand to dump hundreds of thousands of gallons on it to try and cool the meltdown, all while knowing that you are dumping hundreds of thousands of gallons of ocean water onto a nuclear site and dumping it BACK out to sea. Bang up start to operations, truly.

Sorry kids, the sad fact of the matter is that these toys do not come with an off switch. Once they're on, they're on for generations. And if you lose control of the beast, you're talking about turning everything for miles into a cancerous wasteland. And while the Japanese are doing everything in their power to stem the flow of leaking radiation into the local groundwater and out to the oceans, the sad truth is they're coming to the table woefully ill-equipped. And if you need any proof to that statement, the defeat conveyed in the last line of this article in describing efforts to contain the leaks is staggering:

We don’t truly know whether that will work, Mr. Tanaka said. Of course, we’d hope to eliminate all leaks, but in this situation, all we can hope for is to minimize the impact on the environment. If you have any better ideas, we’d like to know.

Operators are standing by. Give us a call if you've got any ideas, because we've got no fucking clue on this end.

Three Monkeys Say: Don't call it a come back, bitch

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Iceland is Very Nice!

From Icelandic Anger Brings Debt Forgiveness In Best Recovery Story

Ahh, Iceland. Home to platinum blond super-models, Lord of the Rings-esque landscapes, and a peaceful yet proud people. Also, Iceland apparently holds the title as the only first world nation to retain a whit of common sense in the managing of its political and economic affairs. The Ride salutes you, Iceland!

As you may or may not remember, there was a lot of media coverage looking into the economic collapse of Iceland that paralleled the housing market bubble here in the states. Now as I'm sure most of my regular readers have gathered, my understanding of economics essentially boils down to crude stick figure drawings of subjects engaged in stick-rape, but basically the idea is a bunch of bankers stormed into Iceland on armies of marauding elephants and stole every coin in the coffer. Eerily familiar to the events we've been struggling to recover from here in America.

Here's where the story gets interesting. For once, fucking finally, there is a government protecting its people, defending the innocent for the rapacious actions of the world banking cartels. Instead of bailing out the failing banks and allowing the CEOs to receive ludicrous bonuses, Iceland is actually laying criminal charges against those involved in the scandals! That's right, folks! Good ol' fashioned prison sentences! Commit fraud, and you actually go to jail, what a novel concept!

In addition to their hard-line stance against coddling financial criminals, the Iceland government is also taking the method of allowing aid to bubble up from the victims instead of trusting it to trickle down from the offenders. And the result is that the Iceland economy is jumping back with such a bang that the tiny country is now in strong enough a position to respectfully want to keep its economy free from the debilitating integration with the European Union, preferring to make a stand on their own.

Of course, the dust is still settling and the jury is still out on what faces the dice will show when they stop spinning. But maybe if the Icelandic trend of success and solvency continues we will start to get the idea here in America. Even if you believe in the banks and corporations being "too big to fail", that doesn't mean the executives wrists' are too big to be put in cuffs.

Three Monkeys Say: Gonna catch me a criminal!!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Take it Easy

It's Sunday, friends.

Take today for yourself. Enjoy it.

Three Monkeys Say: Way down, down along Lazy River Road

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Oh, Romney. You silly, scary bastard.

From Young Mitt Romney Would Impersonate A Police Officer And Pull People Over For Fun

In the great tradition of digging up dirt on Presidential candidates on the road to the White House, a true gem concerning the youthful exploits of Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has surfaced. The source of the tale is a TV producer who apparently was friends with Romney during his time at Stanford, though the article includes an aside to mention that the friendship was quickly terminated. And if the tale is true, you can't blame this guy. What a creep-show.

“He told us that he had gotten the uniform from his father,” George Romney, then the Governor of Michigan, whose security detail was staffed by uniformed troopers. “He told us that he was using it to pull over drivers on the road. He also had a red flashing light that he would attach to the top of his white Rambler. We thought it was all pretty weird. We all thought, ‘Wow, that’s pretty creepy.’ And after that, we didn’t have much interaction with him.”

Seriously? That sounds like some Ted Bundy level psychosis. Talk about a twisted authority complex.

Sounds like just the man to be in charge of the largest weapon stockpile on the planet. Full steam ahead.

Three Monkeys Say: Gotta admit, the man looks damn good in a suit...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Tango Down

Here's a real tear-jerker.

From Michael Marin Update: Canister labeled "cyanide" found in arsonist's vehicle, investigators say

Yee-haw. How's that for an attention grabber??

The facts: Michael Marin, a wealthy member of the financial elite who made his money on being a Wall Street shark, was charged with arson in relation to the fire that consumed his multi-million dollar mansion. As details about Marin's finances came to light, the authorities found that his bank accounts had suffered significant losses in the wake of financial unrest, and that he was unable to afford the upcoming payments for the property.

According to details I could find on the fire itself, apparently Marin was able to escape the blaze by brilliantly locating his scuba oxygen tank and using it to flee the thick smoke through a window and down a rope ladder to safety. As far as I understand it, the complexity of Marin's escape alone was enough to trigger the curiosity of fire investigators, and in combination with Marin's financial woes the case seemed pretty open and shut. Admittedly, details are hard to find now that most of the updates are concentrating on what happened after the guilty verdict was delivered.

A video provided in the CBS link captures the moments directly following Marin receiving the verdict. Marin can be seen holding his head in his hands, and surreptitiously slipping something from his hands to his mouth. Minutes later, he was dead on the courtroom floor.

While results are still pending regarding a toxicology screen, investigators have found a bottle in Marin's vehicle marked Cyanide. Pretty much settles that one.

And there you have it folks. Add another name to the tally of Wall Street suicides when these colossal egos are faced with the prospect of losing their reputation of being a mover and a shaker. Can't say I blame him. Must be pretty hard to go from Jeeves poppin' caviar to spooning slop from a tray in a cafeteria. Oh, the woe! The torment!

Three Monkeys Say: I'm sorry, sir! You can't cash in your chips here, you'll have to go to the casino cage!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Mystery Lost

This might be the most infuriating and depressing headline I have ever read.

From Calls to Destroy Egypt’s Great Pyramids Begin

According to what the article describes as reports coming from the Arabic media, "prominent Muslim clerics have begun to call for the demolition of Egypt’s Great Pyramids—or, in the words of Saudi Sheikh Ali bin Said al-Rabi‘i, those 'symbols of paganism'."

Right. So, if you're like me, your first question should be "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" An valid question, properly followed by a careful query of "Why?" What possible reason could you have for wanting destroy one of the world's greatest archaeological mysteries, forever denying future generations the delight of looking upon these massive mountains from another era.

The "why" of the issue is thankfully provided by the article. Now, admittedly, I know about fuck-all in regards to Muslim history. It is one area where my personal knowledge is sadly lacking, so if anyone out there can confirm or deny anything in this article, or clarify any piece of it for me so I can digest this a little easier, please speak up in the comments.

My understanding of the issue goes like this. A companion of the Muslim Prophet Muhammad, Amr bin al-As and his Arabian tribesmen, conquered Egypt in 641 AD. From there they embarked on a mission of destroying the local heritage, plagued with pagan images and impurities, with a fervor fit to make a Crusader jealous of their zeal. The article even mentions that while many Western scholars disagree, early Muslim writers attribute the fall of the Library of Alexandria to these same hands.

Yet no matter how much momentum they may have gained melting down statues for precious metals and burning ancient manuscripts, it takes a bit more than a pitchfork and a torch to take down the Great Pyramid. For nearly 1400 years they stood, an apparent thorn in the foot of fundamentalists for centuries. And let's be honest, it's not exactly like they can look the other way, the fucking things are gigantic.

Let's all just hope that some voice of reason hears about this damn soon and throws a stake in the spokes of this machine. This story serves as a perfect example of why I will never understand the great majority of humanity. What the fuck gives someone the idea that they have the right to destroy someone else's heritage based on their own perceptions of its pagan nature? How does one cultivate such an utter lack of respect for other cultures? And honestly, you've fucking deal with their presence for 1400 years. No demons have erupted out of the apex of these monoliths. No plague of locusts has come flooding through the pyramids to salt the land with the tears of the afflicted. Why is it so fucking difficult for people to just leave well enough alone, to live and let live? Guess what kids - on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone goes to Zero. Get the goddamn twist out of your panties and learn to let shit slide once in awhile. You'll enjoy The Ride much more. Trust me.

Don't you let that Deal Go Down.

Three Monkeys Say: Maybe they just need another Dead show to come around...38 years is a damn long time