So, it's Valentine's Day, and all across this great nation of ours frustrated men are dropping weeks worth of pay on pretty stones to grace the fingers, necks, and ears of their significant others in the futile hope that their woman might actually let them get some sleep this week instead of filling every hour with banal conversation about what restaurant her sister was taken to, or how a co-worker was blanketed with rose petals in the office today.
So America, get out there and latch on to that thick black cock of consumerism like Romulus to the mother wolf. Or, if you're like me, jaded and disenfranchised (OK, or undersexed and alone, fuck you, it's all about perspective), treat this holiday like you would any other. A great excuse to sit back and take a quick jab or two at yet another institution designed to suck the green out of our wallets and the spring out of your step as you're pummeled with an endless barrage of candy hearts, Barbie themed Valentine's Day cards, and heart touching commercials advertising little stones unearthed and brought to you on the broken backs and dreams of the third world.
And remember boys and girls, there's more than one way to say "I Love You"
I Love You