Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Jesus loves me, This I know

For the Bible tells me soooo!

I've got a good one for you today, kids. Strap in.

From Look God, No Hands: Dirty Girls Ministries is on a crusade against the evils of female masturbation.

Boy. I hardly know where to begin with this one.

Just in case you didn't read the whole five page article, let me toss you a quick abridged synopsis. Crystal Renaud of Lenexa, Kansas has started an online group called Dirty Girl Ministries, and no, this isn't a sister group of those luscious beauties over at Suicide Girls, but rather a gaggle of dirty and confused young women that want the purity back in their lives. Renaud, a 26 year old bridge troll who stands 7 feet tall with a wart on her nose the size of Cincinnati (OK, I'm taking a little artistic license here, the story doesn't provide a photo so I'm just guessing), has created a community where girls and young women can come together and galvanize in their fight to avoid impious acts such as viewing pornography, masturbation, and even reading romance novels.

Now, as a normal warm-blooded human being, you're probably thinking that anyone signing up with a masturbation addiction group is so savagely entrenched that their hands have permanently locked to the shape of gnarled talons from constantly digging at their pleasure pipes. But no! Dirty Girls defines their ideal candidate for membership as someone viewing pornography or masturbating as infrequently as two times a week or less! Likening the severity of their "addictions" to that of drug and alcohol dependency, Dirty Girls members are mostly in their 20s and 30s, with a rising number of teenage and preteen girls joining.

Beyond simply trying to curb the sinful activities of idle hands, Dirty Girls is really about an attempt to eliminate all sexual thought that goes outside the marital bedroom. Many members are also combating a confused sexual identity, using these Christian 12-step programs to not only stop masturbating, but also to stop feelings of homosexuality. Members of Dirty Girls also frequent programs like Where Grace Bounds, which specializes in dealing with “sexual brokenness and homosexuality.”

The more you read, the more you feel sorry for these poor confused girls who have been so subjected to the church's propaganda promoting abstinence and the sinful nature of sexuality. While self gratification is steadily gaining mainstream acceptance in the secular world, these girls are being pushed back into the dark ages. One comment provided in the article that was taken from the Dirty Girls message board reads, "Once I’ve actually committed the sin (of porn and masturbation), I find myself feeling such sadness, frustration, disappointment, anger, shame", while another commenter says, "It makes me feel sick and unworthy." Many of the young girls on the site describe feelings of impurity and undesirability due to their freakish masturbation habits, despite the fact that many of them are still virgins.

Let me get this straight. Nubile porn-watching virgins are feeling undesired because of their masturbation habits?? Sounds like the pinnacle of desire to me. But then again, according to these people I probably have been smitten by the angry judgment of the Lord years ago for my perverse nature.

Even more tragic are the stories of girls who rushed into marriage in the hopes that it would stop their impure urges. One girl married at the woeful age of 19 thinking that once she was able to slack her hunger in the piety of the marriage bed that she would be free of her impurities. Unfortunately the girl found that her unclean fantasies persisted, even during sex with her husband. “I cannot cleanse my mind of these images,” she says. “I try so hard to focus on my husband only, but my thoughts are so warped.”

Sounds pretty hot to me. Am I the only one picturing a Catholic school-girl outfit here?

Here's the deal people. We need to get over these preoccupations of guilt and self-loathing in regards to sex. It's really not that big of a deal. All of these efforts to sweep sexuality under the rug have done nothing but blow the entire issue out of proportion. When you tell someone not to do something, all they do is dwell on it to the point of distraction until all their being is consumed by a simple trivial matter. Treat sex as what it is: free entertainment. And markedly improved by narcotics. It's time to stop being ashamed of our natural urges and embrace our humanity. If God truly made us in his image, then enjoying the full majesty of his creation can't be a bad thing.

It's Just A Ride, kids. Free yourselves of these foolish shackles of religious oppression and just try and enjoy it for Christ's sake.

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