Alright, here's the deal.
I know it's Cinco de Mayo today. And I realized this morning that I know next to nothing about what Cinco de Mayo is all about, so I decided to toss it into the most reliable reference source around, Wikipedia! So, I'm going to extrapolate some conclusions based solely off what I'm reading on Wikipedia. If you have a bone to pick with anything I say being factually based, well, get your ass on Wikipedia and fix the problem, don't bitch to me.
So, interesting Cinco de Mayo Wikipedia "fact" number 1: Cinco de Mayo does not in fact mark the celebration of Mexico's independence. Turns out September 16th holds that honor. Who knew?
Wacky fact number 2: Most Mexicans DO NOT celebrate Cinco de Mayo! Turns out, according to Wikipedia, Cinco de Mayo is just yet another notch in the scarred belt of Hallmark Holidays. Apparently, Cinco de Mayo is only really celebrated by alcoholic sorority girls, confused second-generation Mexican-Americans, and basically anyone who clings to any excuse to wear their "I ate the worm!" t-shirts from Cancun. There is an area of Mexico that does in fact celebrate Cinco de Mayo, but it's not as widespread as you may have thought. Which leads us to..
Wacky fact number 3!: Apparently, the Mexican state of Puebla treats Cinco de Mayo as a regional holiday, celebrating the "unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862." And here, I believe, we have stumbled upon the reason all of Mexico doesn't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. I mean honestly, who the fuck wants to admit that they almost got their asses handed to them by the French? I'd want to keep that shit under wraps, too.
So basically (and again, all of this is according to Wikipedia, I'm just loving this too much to want to fact check it and have any of it proved wrong), Cinco de Mayo is just a huge farce to help the American public pretend it actually gives a fuck about foreign culture. I mean seriously, we celebrate a foreign holiday that isn't even celebrated in its native country! Celebrated since its inception throughout California, Cinco de Mayo has steadily grown in popularity with the increase in Latino culture not as a direct influence of that culture, but rather in an effort to make us seem like we understand and appreciate that culture. Until the 1980s that is, when it was just completely high-jacked by the alcohol companies who have capitalized on its celebratory nature to boost revenue.
God Bless America!
Happy Cinco de Mayo!