God Hates Manatees

Yep. That's right. The cute, cuddly, cow faced basis for the myth of mermaids are under attack. And who could have enough hate in their hearts to turn the political sword against these gentle creatures? Who else but the bible-thumping Tea Party-ers!

In the Tampa, Florida area of Citrus County, Tea Party member Edna Mattos has taken up arms against the dastardly manatees, railing against wildlife preservation regulations that protect the endangered creatures.

We cannot elevate nature above people. That's against the Bible and the Bill of Rights.

Yes. Indeed. It is against the Bible and the Bill of Rights to shepherd the weak, and defend those that can not defend themselves. Nothing sounds more Christian and American to me. Get the powerboats, we're going manatee hunting.

The 63 year old Florida resident has picketed outside local court houses, and taken her battle to the web looking for support in lifting the federal regulations that protect these waters. Claiming that the wildlife protection is a federal conspiracy aiming to turn people into livestock and infringe upon their basic God-given American freedoms to do whatever the hell they damn well please, Mattos has received over 800 online signatures in support of her efforts.

Explaining the basis for her hypocrisy of wanting to remove the manatee protections and still enjoying taking her grandchildren to experience the creatures, Mattos says "If some of these environmental movements had been around in the days of the dinosaurs, we'd be living in Jurassic Park now."

Well, you just can't argue with that sound logic. Tossing in the towel. Sorry little seaweed-munching manatees. Jesus says we don't need your types around here anymore.



Sound the alarm. The manatees are coming.