Friday, December 23, 2011

Is It The Shoes!?!

Monster Jam!!


...ahem. Sorry about that. Any time I hear a quote from an NBA Jam announcer, I feel compelled to go for the set.

Anyway! From Police pepper spray, shut down malls over Air Jordan shoes

Ahh. I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

Apparently still razzed on the high that can only come from bludgeoning the proletariat mercilessly with truncheons, bored riot police have massed together as the Occupy Wall Street movement kicks in its death throes and have moved against the malls. After all, once you've run out of the skulls of poor people to cave-in, you're going to have to start using your clubs and chemical agents on people who actually have money.

The cause for all the madness is the undeniable "hotness" of those super-fly new Air Jordan's, a bargain buy at only $180 a pair. Shoppers have become so unruly in their fervent pursuit of obtaining the pinnacle in foot-fashion that police have been called into malls near Austin and Seattle, responding with pepper spray and extreme prejudice. According to the article, there is even an unconfirmed report out of Washington D.C. of a man who was stabbed to death over the shoes. At a mall in Georgia, 20 squad cars were dispatched when shoppers broke down the doors to a store in their angst to obtain the kicks, and arrested a woman for leaving two toddlers locked in her car while she stepped into the six-sided ring of fire to do battle in the name of Saint Nick.

Of course, while I will more or less always be of the opinion that any time the police start firing pepper-spray into a crowd it is likely an example of authority abusing power, I have little sympathy for this mob. It's a shopping mall. Keep your elbows to yourself and just calm the fuck down, for Christ's sake.

I am just thankful that there is something deeply seeded in my constitution that will prevent me from ever understanding a story like this. The very thought of paying $180 for a pair of shoes, or better yet the $400+ price tag some are reporting having paid over the internet, chills my cockles more than the harshest Nor'easter. But honestly, come on people. This is supposed to be the season about spreading cheer, good will, and peace on earth, isn't it?

Three Monkeys Say: Guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher.

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