Friday, December 9, 2011


You know, people call me shallow and mean-spirited from time to time. And I'm probably going to get that again from this piece. To those people, a quick pre-emptive "Fuck You" before we get moving. This has nothing to do with being insensitive, the people in this story need to be stopped. Post-haste.

From Michelle Duggar miscarries

According to this news flash from the desks of CNN, Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob (I'm sorry, there are actually people named Jim Bob out there??) recently suffered the tragedy of a miscarriage. The title of the article was enough to pull me in. Who is Michelle Duggar? And why should I care that she miscarried?

Well, Michelle and her husband, along with their gigantic family, are the stars of the new TLC program "19 Kids and Counting", which I am guessing is simulcast across the nation in church basements and abortion clinics, though likely pulling for different results. The Duggar family was on their way to the doctor to determine the gender of their newest bundle of joy, which would have been the couple's 20th child.

20. Assuming a full-term 9-month pregnancy, that would mean that Michell Duggar, 45, has spent 176 months of her life pregnant (19 kids * 9 months + 5 months for the miscarriage). That's a full 14 years and 8 months. Nearly a third of her entire life, or a full 50% of her child bearing years. Sweet Jesus.

While the family is understandably heartbroken by the ordeal, they have rallied to their faith to pull them through. Michelle was quoted as saying "The Lord is the giver of life and he can choose when that life is ready to go on and be with Him."

And here's where I start pissing people off. What right-minded, responsible person would ever even entertain the thought of having 20 kids? To explain their reasoning, the Duggars have said that they left the decision on the number of children they would have in the hands of the Lord. Well guess what, kids - this might just be Jesus' way of saying cut the shit.

See, this is a great example of The Bible being outdated and irrelevant. I understand that in the opening verses of Genesis the Lord decrees that man should "Be fruitful and multiply". There was a reason for that though. Back in olden times, the odds of actually surviving to have a child of your own to perpetuate the species was much lower than it is today. A family would have to have 8-10 kids in the hopes that at least a handful of them would make it to breed themselves. It was necessary for the survivability of our race. It made sense.

But now, thanks to giant leaps in medical technology, and the fact that we have fully-automatic weapons to defend ourselves from wild beasts rather than pointy sticks and poorly-tempered metals, our survival rate has gone through the roof. The average life-span has gone from like 30 to 80 (I'm pulling these numbers out of my ass, too lazy to research them, but they sound about right). We have reached a point in our evolution where this style of frantic rutting, basically throwing loads against the wall hoping something sticks, has become more of a handicap than a safety net. Over-crowding of the population is only going to become a bigger burden for society, and people like the Duggars who are blissfully popping out soldiers of the Lord with the vacant stare of the blessed are going to push us to a point of unsustainablity, if we haven't reached it already.

So, long story short, fuck these people. Or better yet, for the love of God, STOP FUCKING. I feel to sympathy for your miscarriage, Michelle Duggar. You officially have enough children to ensure you will never have to mow your own lawn again. It's time to put a stop to the madness.

Three Monkeys Say: They say Pot might lower sperm count. Good!!

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