Sunday, January 15, 2012

Humanity Astounds Me

Evening folks. Fear not. I haven't forgotten about you. And trust me, dear friends, today's post will be worth the wait.

From Items That Got Stuck Inside People Last Year

Now, I know how much we all love those little year end "Best of 20__" lists. But this one here tops the charts. Next time you go on a bender and wake up thinking you'll never drink again, just take comfort in knowing that no matter how wrecked you got, you didn't pull a stunt like one of these. Unless of course you are one of the people discussed in this collage, in which case I salute you. Way to push the envelope.

What this list from BuzzFeed describes is a broken down and organized compilation of the most popular foreign objects that had become lodged in various body cavities and thus had to be removed by medical professionals in 2011, separated by the orifice they became stuck in. Among the list of top offenders you'll find things like a strawberry getting stuck in someone's ear, dry ice getting caught in the throat, and even a glass vial of cocaine which became lodged in some unlucky woman's vaginal canal. Sweet Jesus. The list even has an entire list of items, from pen caps to paper clips, that had to be dislodged from the male urethra. That's right, kids! Penile penetration! So the next time you go on thinking you're some wild mother fucker, take a good second to really think about how far you're willing to go for your kicks.

Of course, as most of you degenerates probably expected, the list of objects that became stuck in people's rectums is by far the longest represented. Ranging from a golf ball to a, and I'm following BuzzFeed's description here, "Baby Bottle Used in Kinky Sex", the list goes from silly to staggering. Though on a personal note, I found the separate listings for various dildos to be a tad redundant. There's really no need to specify whether the toy vibrated or not, or whether it was made of glass, plastic, or rubber. Pretty sure we all just need to become very aware of the dangers of playing too rough.

Now, for those of you curious about how such a thing might happen, I imagine it might go a little something like this.

Three Monkeys Say: Thank you, Mr. Smith, for that delightful illustration.

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