Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It'll Tickle Your Innards!!

Ahh, finally. Someone taking a shot at one of those lazy lay-abouts that just wants to make up lawsuits. And by "Someone" I mean Pepsi-Co. Is using "someone" appropriate in this instance, seeing as the Pepsi-Co. is a person?

From Mountain Dew Will Dissolve Rats On Contact

An Illinois man is suing Pepsi-Co. for damages associated with supposedly finding a dead mouse in his can of the popular soft drink, Mountain Dew. And Pepsi-Co is fighting back. With science.

Apparently the lawyers representing Pepsi have just submitted an affidavit to the court from a veterinarian who makes some interesting claims. According to Lawrence McGill, due to the acidic nature of the beverage, after a period of 4 to 7 days the mouse (or any other small rodent, for that matter) would essentially liquify, with the soda removing all the calcium from the critters "bones and boney structures". After thirty days of submersion, the mouse would be rendered to nothing more than a gooey, jellied substance. As McGill put it, the only part of the mouse that could possibly be recognizable would be a portion of its tail.

Seeing as the plaintiff in this case opened his can of Mountain Dew 74 days after bottling, then according to Pepsi-Co's expert witness there is no way he could have pulled a mouse out of the can. More likely, the rodent would look like something out of the closing scene of Altered States.

You gotta wonder how much time the Pepsi legal department spent on weighing the numbers of the cost of a settlement, versus openly asserting that their soda can dissolve flesh and bone. Apparently they will lose less money letting this information out into the public than they would just paying the Illinois guy off for his silence. Which I find to be utterly mortifying.

Three Monkeys Say: Mt. Dew will tickle your innards, 'cause there's a bang in every bottle!!

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